Pushing and Pulling

I called Jeff as I was driving down to Athens on Friday. The guy he has been corresponding with via e-mail has invited him to go to a show at his workplace. He works at the playhouse square and said he'd love to see Jeff.

Now I am insane. Why? Because Jeff is asking my advice, and I'm telling him to go to the show and meet him. What am I...a masochist? Fuck..."Please. I think that knife in my heart is a little loose. Could you twist it in?"

He calls me back an hour later...he waited too long and the show is sold out. I tell him to call the guy (he has his cell # now) and try to set up something after the show...but he chickens out. I don't know if I am relieved or not.

Spent the day on Saturday helping JP pack his place up for his move, then drove back to Cleveland. I wanted to go to the Erie Party (a big circuit party here), but Jeff didn't want to go. Instead we met at my place for our usual at Twist. Several Long Island Iced Teas later, I'm three shades to the wind, when the usual crappy thing happens. Jeff is very attractive, but doesn't know it. Other people do though, and when we go out places, men will approach him, and literally push me out of the way. Last night some guy actually asked if I would give up my bar seat so he could sit next to Jeff.

Long story but Jeff meets a new Jeff (forever now known as evil Jeff) at Twist. Evil Jeff, proposes that we all go to another bar, and as the night progresses, I am definitly feeling like the third wheel. The very jealous 3rd wheel. Evil Jeff insists on walking Jeff back to his place, which is where we are both staying. After I'm in Jeff's place, Jeff kisses Evil Jeff goodnight (mercifully I didn't have to see that), and I got to take care of the drunken mess of Jeff.

Sunday, I'm overwhelmed with sadness at the softball game...for reasons I can't say. I basically read something that was written about me, and it wasn't intended for my eyes, but still hurt. Top it off, Jeff tells me he's made dinner plans for that night with Evil Jeff, but he would like a "save me" cell phone call in the event he doesn't like the guy. Not a problem right?

So at the designated time, I call him only to hear that Evil Jeff has not shown up yet. I convince Jeff to forget about him and meet me for dinner with our Softball coach. Dinner is had, and I feel relief that Evil Jeff is out of the picture. That being said...my emotions are now on a roller coaster, and I'm feeling out of control. I've started writing in my black journal, hoping to get rid of these feelings, but alas...not yet.