Suicide Friday

So tommorow I risk my life and jump out of an airplane. What good does this do me? I've known for some time that some personal relationships in my life are about to change (Jeff and I are just way too close), but is change always a good thing? It's inevitable, and I can either support the change or resist and be miserable.

Had way too much to drink tonight...partly out of fear of jumping, partly becuase once you cross a certain drunken line, reasoning leaves you and you have no problem ordering the 3rd pitcher of beer. Or did Jeff order that? God knows I'm glad he lives so close to the bar. Nothing like walking home and not having to worry about a DUI.

That brings up the whole other feelings. Should I feel guilty that Jeff and I screwed around when he is meeting a potential new boyfriend tomorrow night? I actually do, and it's weird for me. I feel like this relationship/friendship may be doomed now that we had sex. Damn my sex drive! Things are getting weird. I feel it.

My feelings are caught up in this now, and I'm hurting myself.