Surviving Cancer

It's been three years. It still scares me that I'm supposed to be dead already. Today 3 years ago I quit my job the day after my last chemotherapy treatment, purchased a one way ticket to Africa (thank God I had the passport already), and fully accepted that I wasn't returning.

What the hell do doctors know anyway? 6 months to live my ass. 10% survival rate? I should have played the lottery instead of running up the credit card debt. I wasn't supposed to pay all this crap off. I was supposed to say fuck it...the government can collect from my ashes.

I can't be too mad though...I am alive. I still have two more years before I can be deemed a miracle, but as of the last check up I was listed as no evidence disease. Now I only wish I had the health insurance to actually get checked as often as I am supposed to.

It's funny how people treat you when you say you are living on borrowed time. I've told people that I'm in remission only to have them make the quickest excuse they can to get away. Get with the program people...Cancer is not communicable (is that even spelled right?)!

I'll never forget getting off that plane in Cape Town. I had studied African music, dance and culture in College and none of it prepared me for what I was about to see. The shantytowns and the homes made of discarded metal. Mom would have had a field day making artwork out of some of those people’s homes. I can hear her asking ”excuse me…can I have your roof?” I was just so damn angry with everybody I didn’t even enjoy the first few weeks. John was supposed to come with me to Africa, and hold my hand when I died, not say “I have to teach this semester…sorry…can I meet you there?”

No…no more blame. I was just as bad for not telling him I was going until the day I was leaving. We’ve made up, healed, and broken up. I do love him…I’m just not in love with him.

So as I do every year on this day, I ask myself what would I like to change if I was to die in six months. First up there has got to actually be in love. I’ve developed feelings for certain men; some who haven’t returned those feelings back, but have never really truly had the feelings of being in love. I thought I had recently…but only got my heart crushed in the wake. I wonder if it ever will happen? Anyone know any single, sane, attractive gay men?