The Fear of Hospitals
Get outta here you; I got nothing to say to you...I want a white nurse.
I hurt. Pain’s ...nothing, pain’s life. When they did my facelifts, I made the anesthesiologist use a local. They lifted up my whole face like a dinner napkin and I was wide-awake to see it. I can get anyone to do what I want: For instance: Lets be friends. Jews and coloreds! My people being the first to sell retail to your people, your people being the first people my people could afford to hire to sweep out the store Saturday mornings.
Sit. Talk.
Oh for Christ sake. Whatta I gotta do? Beg? I don’t want to be alone. Oh how I fucking hate hospitals, nurses, this waste of time...wasting and weakness, I want to kill...course they can’t kill this, can they?
No. It’s too simple. It knows itself. It’s harder to kill something if it knows what it is.
Like pubic lice. You ever had pubic lice? I got some kind of super crabs from some kid once; it took twenty drenchings of Kwell and finally shaving to get rid of the little bastards. Nothing could kill them. And every time I had to itch I’d smile, because I learned to respect them, these unkillable crabs, because...I learned to identify. You know? Determined lowlife. Like me.
You’ve seen a lot of guys with this...I’m going to die. Soon.
That was a question!
I appreciate the...the honesty, or whatever...If I live I could sue you for emotional distress, the whole hospital, but...
I’m not prejudiced; I’m not a prejudiced man.
I've been thinking of this scene lately, especially since I went to the hospital on Sunday. I really hate that hospital smell and not having anyone to talk to as I am waiting my turn for x-rays, and treatment. I always feel so vulnerable in that situation. That was the first time I've even recieved medical treatment since I got back to the states.
I found it interesting that I swore that I would never go through a hospital situation again alone...and there I was, sitting alone in the hospital waiting room, watching CNN, while some person is dying of TB on my left, and some small child is puking up the contents of what can only be described as an entire candy store. His mother seemed bewildered "I don't know why he's so sick". Lady...if I ate all the halloween candy in K-mart I'd be puking too.
I actually tried called Jeff and asking if he would go with me to the ER. No answer. Why am I not surprised? Realized that if I'm on my own, I got to face the hospital fear and just do it. The minute I gave them my medical history, they were scheduling a battery of tests including the ever so fun EGD. Thanks, but I'd rather not have a tube put down my throat.
Off to more fun thoughts! I will be seeing Philip on Saturday! His boyfriend is turning...shhh...30. So I'm driving to Columbus to see the happy married couple, but also to get out of town for a day. Just a way to renew my energy.
Also...maybe a little shopping therapy as well.
