The Sound of Silence

Last night a man masturbated under my bedroom window. (Well if that isn’t an opener)…I’ll start this by saying that I love my home, and my neighborhood, except for my next-door neighbor. I hate that man. Hate him with a capital “F”.

His front porch is directly below and across the driveway from my window. This in itself is not a problem, but it does mean that I can see onto his front porch and hear whatever is being said when my window is open. I don’t have air conditioning, so my window is open often.

Last night, since it was really warm outside, I left my window open. I was awoken when I heard moaning coming from that porch. Being the concerned and somewhat rudely awakened neighbor (it was 2:30 am) I looked out my window to see my neighbor lying on his back on the floor of his porch. At first I thought he was injured, until I saw the familiar rhythmic moving of the right hand. This man was masturbating directly under my window.

Now my friends ask, “well did you keep watching?” Sadly, that is the last thing I would want to do. My neighbor is about 6’, long unwashed hair, full beard…well… he resembles Jesus, except that Jesus at least was able to keep a job as a carpenter. My neighbor’s job is to remain as drunk as he possibly can get without passing out.

So I go back to bed, and listen to his moans, figuring it will be…what?…10 minutes before he is finished? If this man were clean and sober…I’d date him. He has got some serious staying power! By 3:30 this morning, I had given up all hope of sleeping and had begun to think of songs that might go with his rhythmic moaning.

Raindrops on roses and warm little mittens
(Moan)
Bright satin sashes and cute little kittens
(Moan)
Brown paper packages tied up with string
(Mooooaaaaannnnn)
These are a few of my favorite things!

By four o’clock, I’m moaning with him, but in harmony. His moaning is getting more frequent, so I figure it’s probably close to being over. Yeah…right. All of a sudden I hear a woman’s voice say “ARE YOU JACKING OFF?”

Before I could stop myself, I screamed “IT DEPENDS. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?” Needless to say, the policewoman was not pleased with my answer and told me to close my window. So I closed the window, and realized I couldn’t sleep. It was too quiet.