Starting Over

I feel a little stupid switching over to an online journal. I've kept written Journals for 10 years now, and I broke up with someone for reading it, so why the hell would I publish them for the world to see?

My life has been nothing but flailing around for the last 7 years, and only recently have I realized it enough to take drastic action. The problem comes when I think what that action might be.

So I'm sitting here at work...preparing for the next change in my life. I've taken 7 years off to nurse a failing relationship, suspended a career, and move into the middle of nowhere Ohio so that I can start out all over again. Is it even possible to start my former career over again? I did stand up comedy as a way to deal with the life I was raised in...now I make my own life. How much of my life do I find humorous? Will anyone else?

People who don't really know me remark at how happy I always am, and no matter how bad things get, I always am in a good mood. It's all part of the personality of being "on". About the only thing that studying theater taught me. You always have to be "on", engaging people as much as possible, never making them think that inside you are having a bad day and would rather be alone.

Now I have chosen to let certain people see the off side of me. John, my family, Philip, and most recently Jeff. Up until the latter, I've had positive experiences, and made more intimate friendships. With the latter, I trusted someone and it backfired in a miserable way. Can I forgive him? Yes. Will I trust him ever again? Probably not.

So back to the life changes. I think it may be time to make a decision to move out of this town. The job situation in Cleveland is bleak to miserable. Everyone is laid off, and my steady work as an Office Temp Extroidinare (corporate whore?) is really not making me excited to get up in the morning.

I miss the real city. I miss performing in the theater. Chicago has always felt like home to me, and even though the job situation is just as bad there, at least the city feels like a home to me. Of course, if I don't find a job...it could be awfully nasty there.

When did this happen? Fear? I've moved so many times in the past (never living longer than a few years in an area) and have never been afraid to completely uproot and switch cities. Now suddenly I'm afraid of what could happen. No fear...it used to be my motto. I need to reclaim that.