I need a Pick Me Up

So my bowling buddies and I go to Twist after having dinner. I haven't been in this bar since Jason Beat the crap out of me, so I was very apprehensive. First person I run into asks where Jeff is, so I have to launch into the standard "he has a boyfriend now so we don't talk" speech. This still hurts.

Now this bar does get to be a bit much, but it is walking distance from my house, and most of the guys here don't get too creepy. Not five minutes after arriving, this guy comes up to me, sits his big ass down on the pool table next to me and says "I just want you to know...looks don't matter to me." He then launches into a tirade about another guy at the bar. Something about a prostitute, a mother dying, and a really beautiful card (this sounds like a bad joke).

So if I haven't mentioned it before, I really am the original freak magnet. If I hold my arms up, every man that has emotional problems, lives with their mothers, or is mentally unstable, will be attracted like a moth to a flame. I have to beat them away with a mental metal pipe. So what lines have I had used on me?

Pick up lines used on me

1. I just want you to know...Looks don't matter to me.


2. Do you work for Fed EX? Cause you definitely look like you could deliver over night.


3. Was your father a thief? Because he stole the starlight an put them into your eyes.


4. You look familiar....have I slept with you?


5. Got any black in you? Do you want some?


6. Nice shoes....wanna F*ck?


7. I'm only in town tonight, and you are really hot. Would you like to hook up?


8. I just love a big ass...

I will say this, two on this list were used in the same night on me. My friends Brian and Kevin laugh every time we go out, as my love life usually provides them with entertainment.

Well back to Mr. Insult. I know he wasn't trying to insult me, but rather trying to impress upon me that he wasn't so superficial, but was the last thing I needed. So when the next guy (who wasn't bad looking) said "I think you're really hot, and I'm only in town for tonight, do you want to come home with me?" I was only more than happy to pay my tab and leave.

Now I have seen large ones in the past, but ...Oh...My...God... His Dick needs to be declared a weapon of mass destruction. I honestly couldn't get my mouth around it. And what a kisser...Where were you last summer?