Entertaining Insecurity
Saturday night I faced one of my biggest demons, or at least I was prepared to (I'll admit...the quadruple dose of Paxil assisted in the anxiety department). Using every bit of self esteem I could muster, I prepared to see my former best friend Jeff at a party, where I would very likely have to say at least "hello". I'm not going to pour over all the details of how the friendship ended so badly again, I've already blogged it, but for those who really want to know...check out August 8th to the 14 and most of September.
The results of the evening....Jeff never showed up. I stressed for no reason...but I'm at least proud that I faced this, as just hearing about him over the past few months has felt like a knife to the chest.
Monkey pulled me aside to say she was sorry to hear about the demise of Jason. I'm not too sad though as he will make a great friend, and it was moving so quickly I knew it was doomed for the dating cemetery. He wasn't ready for anything serious having just ended a relationship a month ago and I can tell he is rebounding harder than a Slinky.
So seeing as I was a bit tense expecting Jeff to show up, I chose to stay a little off to the sidelines and watch the group of people interacting a bit. This was a musician party, where everyone either sang, or played an instrument, and while watching I found something a bit interesting. There are two different types of people that go into theater and performing. Those who seek the validation and approval of others, and those who don't need it. It comes with the level of confidence in one's own performance, as well as why one performs...for the art or for the applause.
One of the women that was singing that night had a very interesting personality, one where she had to be the center of attention. When others performed, she felt the need to sing along louder, and pretty much attempted to dominate the "Show", but when the focus switched off her, she would leave the room. It makes her seem to be very insecure in herself.
In comparison, another performer, Julie, never felt the need to take focus. She sang solo for the fun, and performed along with others. She performs because she likes the moment it allows her and I can tell that she sings alone because she enjoys it.
Where do I fall? Well without trying to sound smug...I tend to fall in the second category. Yes...I like applause, but I'm just as happy playing supporting roles that nobody really pays attention to. I've been performing professionally since I was 17 and I have never read a review once that has been written about me (Although some friends have tried to get me to read them). When I perform onstage, I usually will not ask my friends if they liked the show, but would rather just thank them for coming.
In my comedy gigs, I'm taking a group of people on a tour of my life (or in actuality...my stage life...some things are personal), and I try to make some solid points on that tour. "I may be gay...but my life can be just as boring as a straight person's", "it's ok to be alone", "my mother has created the need for therapy" and sometimes "exactly how does my ability to get married destroy the marriages of those currently married?" If people don't like the show...I'm ok with that. They still heard what I had to say and can process that as they wish.
So why am I saying this? I guess it's more just a rambling, as well as coming down from a Paxil high.
