Threshold of Revelations

I had an epiphany yesterday. I don't get these often, so the fact that I had one tells me I should definitely write about it. Call it an end of year review, but I realized that I am a damn good person. I'm a performer at heart, so I don't suffer from low self-esteem, I suffer from No Self Esteem. That being said, I do like things about myself, but over the past year I had grown to doubt some of those things. Yesterday was like a snap back to reality as I stood looking out over the Pacific Ocean in the morning light.

The last four months I had lamented and grieved over the loss of my friendship/relationship with Jeff (I never use last names in this site because I protect the innocent...but if he ever mentions to me that he doesn't like me writing this or anything about him...well I have a ghost white butt he can kiss...this is my blog!), and it just hit me that I wasn't the one who lost out. I try to be one of the most loyal, non judgmental people I can be, and to have me call someone a friend is a big thing, as I don't take friendships or use that word lightly. These past 4 months, I've been feeling sorry for myself and what I had lost...and yesterday it really hit me that I didn't lose anything. He did.

My friendship was completely one sided. I gave continuously out of some psychological need to care for someone else. The problem was that I stopped caring for myself at the same time. In the five months I was with Jeff, my self esteem took such a beating and I kept coming back for more. Worst was that I was blind to what I was doing to myself at the time. Ain't hindsight a bitch?

Now some people would say that I am being a little bitchy here, and maybe I am. I'm not mad at him anymore. I really pity him. I was his only friend in the area, and as he admitted, really his only friend at all. I'm glad he found love, and for his sake, I hope he can keep hold of it, because you can only burn bridges once in this world before the fires start burning the roads. This is his problem, and I've somehow over the past 36 hours I just let go of all of it (could it be these "special" brownies my mom has been baking?).

So a threshold of revelations was hit today, a weight was lifted, and I'm just in a darn good mood. Time to have another brownie.