Crashing and Burning

I'm hitting such a low point here. Jeff and I have a standing "date" (I don't know what to call our interactions anymore) to watch television together on Thursday nights. This Thursday, while watching the show, he got a call from someone. Immediately he left the room, went into his bedroom, and shut the door so I couldn't hear the conversation.

After waiting 25 minutes for him to get off the phone, I up and left. I figure it must be the guy he has been trying to meet for the past few weeks, and I find myself very jealous here. The problem is that I am also happy that Jeff is interested in someone, and this guy is a good guy, as opposed to the guy he met last weekend.

So once again, I'm putting my own feelings in the trash here and letting Jeff pursue what he wants. Meanwhile, we are supposed to go to Kings Island this weekend and I really don't know if I want to go with him now. How happy am I going to be, riding for 4 hours to an amusment park, listening to how much he likes this guy he's never met, then spending the night in a hotel room with him, wondering what the hell is going on. If I hadn't already paid for the tickets, I would have cancelled this trip already...but now I'm stuck.

I don't blame myself totally on this either. Jeff is getting something out of this...although I'm not sure what it is. He leads me on, and when I respond too much, he pulls away. It's like a really bad cat and mouse game, where he is the trap.

Devastated and Desperate

So today I am working my butt off at Eaton, getting files ready for upload into the database. Around 2:00, Brian calls me into a conference room and closes the door. I’ve been through this before…the closed-door routine is not a good sign.
“As you know, we have had budgetary issues in our department. Because of this, we have to make some cuts, so today will be your last day with us. Since you have worked here so long, we are letting you stay until the end of the day so you can say goodbye to anyone you would like to say goodbye to”. THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING 4TH TIME IN 2 YEARS!!!! I can’t take being unemployed anymore! I don’t need to make millions, but it would be nice to make enough that I’m not living paycheck to paycheck. I’m still ticked that they didn’t let the other temp go, but I had a feeling it would be me as I was paid double what she was getting paid.

Fuck you George Bush! How about telling corporations if they want their taxes lowered, we will base it on the number of jobs they create? That would make too much sense.

As for my situation, I am pretty much screwed. I have enough money in the bank to pay August bills and then I am up the creek. I'll have to sell of the last of my stock and pray to whatever god there is that the agency places me somewhere else soon. REAL SOON

Pushing and Pulling

I called Jeff as I was driving down to Athens on Friday. The guy he has been corresponding with via e-mail has invited him to go to a show at his workplace. He works at the playhouse square and said he'd love to see Jeff.

Now I am insane. Why? Because Jeff is asking my advice, and I'm telling him to go to the show and meet him. What am I...a masochist? Fuck..."Please. I think that knife in my heart is a little loose. Could you twist it in?"

He calls me back an hour later...he waited too long and the show is sold out. I tell him to call the guy (he has his cell # now) and try to set up something after the show...but he chickens out. I don't know if I am relieved or not.

Spent the day on Saturday helping JP pack his place up for his move, then drove back to Cleveland. I wanted to go to the Erie Party (a big circuit party here), but Jeff didn't want to go. Instead we met at my place for our usual at Twist. Several Long Island Iced Teas later, I'm three shades to the wind, when the usual crappy thing happens. Jeff is very attractive, but doesn't know it. Other people do though, and when we go out places, men will approach him, and literally push me out of the way. Last night some guy actually asked if I would give up my bar seat so he could sit next to Jeff.

Long story but Jeff meets a new Jeff (forever now known as evil Jeff) at Twist. Evil Jeff, proposes that we all go to another bar, and as the night progresses, I am definitly feeling like the third wheel. The very jealous 3rd wheel. Evil Jeff insists on walking Jeff back to his place, which is where we are both staying. After I'm in Jeff's place, Jeff kisses Evil Jeff goodnight (mercifully I didn't have to see that), and I got to take care of the drunken mess of Jeff.

Sunday, I'm overwhelmed with sadness at the softball game...for reasons I can't say. I basically read something that was written about me, and it wasn't intended for my eyes, but still hurt. Top it off, Jeff tells me he's made dinner plans for that night with Evil Jeff, but he would like a "save me" cell phone call in the event he doesn't like the guy. Not a problem right?

So at the designated time, I call him only to hear that Evil Jeff has not shown up yet. I convince Jeff to forget about him and meet me for dinner with our Softball coach. Dinner is had, and I feel relief that Evil Jeff is out of the picture. That being said...my emotions are now on a roller coaster, and I'm feeling out of control. I've started writing in my black journal, hoping to get rid of these feelings, but alas...not yet.

What am I Doing to Myself?

Ok...Honesty is the best policy right? So why can't I be honest with myself about my feelings for Jeff? I admit it...Even though I have been warning myself, holding myself back, and Phillip has been warning me, I've developed feeling for Jeff. I've known this since June, but have been fighting it consistantly.

I am destined to get hurt here, and what sucks is that I almost don't care. We spend too much time together, and in some ways, we are way too alike. So now when he tells me that he is corresponding with someone online, I feel like a knife is being put to my chest. Yet I'm swallowing my pride and pretending it isn't bothering me, meanwhile, I am miserable. I'm digging myself a hole and I'm not sure that I can get out of it. And still, I hold out hope.

The guy he has been writing to flakes out on him...appears and disappears. Maybe he's interested, maybe he isn't. Blah-blah-blah. Maybe my heart breaks, maybe it doesn't.

So Now What?

Where to begin?

We had the wake...and as I predicted, I fell asleep on the couch. I heard Jeff putting away all the rest of food (we got pizza) and woke up a little disoriented. Jeff gave me the option, share his bed or take the couch. He wasn't about to give up his bed. I decided to take the bed as it was more comfortable...but really, I just wanted to be close to someone.

We created the imaginary "chastity line" between us on the double bed, but suddenly that bed was beginning to feel like a single. When did the bed get so small? Like the last weekend, we started talking again, and the conversation turned to sex again (oh for God's sake...admit it, we're both horny). After way too long of this going on, I ask what we are doing? Are we acting on this sexual tension, or not? We did, and agreed we are friends.

Next day we were off to Six Flags for a day at the park. Way too much fun although it was a bit chilly, and by the time we were driving home, I was barely able to keep awake.

As for Jeff and me...well I'm not sure where it will go. We both have a bit of difficulty communicating what it is that we want. This may have been a one time thing...and I don't regret it. He's a special person.

Now Serving Number 17

Mom called and left a voice mail for me. Seems she found a man while on the way home from Miami. She married him (this is the 17th marraige) and is now traveling in Europe. So the message "hey...It's Irene...I got married...I'm in Germany...love you...bye".

No contact telephone number...no clue who the guy even is. She wasn't even dating when I saw her a month ago. And people wonder why I have issues? She ticks me off that I can't even tell her about Bruce. His mother and she are good friends. She's needed.

Jeff's offered to get dinner and we can have a traditional Irish wake for Bruce on Friday night. Brings up the old joke, what's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk at the Irish funeral. So in honor of bruce, we'll have Tequilla on Friday night. It means a lot that Jeff was willing to be there for me right now. Of course, I haven't slept much this week, so the alcohol will probably put me to sleep.

Rest In Peace

Bad news day starts with a report on public radio that a corporation whose headquarters are out here is being bought out. This makes me a bit worried for Jeff, as he works at the company being bought out. We've both said before how Cleveland holds nothing for us, so I can only assume that he will move if laid off. Figures.

As I'm getting ready for work, I get a call this morning. My oldest friend died in a caving accident this past weekend. I tried to call my mother and let her know...but she hasn't gotten back to Berkeley from Miami yet. I have very bad feeling about this. What the hell is she doing?

As for Bruce...I'll miss him dearly. Bruce was supposed to be the man I'd talk to when I was in most need. I've told him everything, even about Jeff and where things have been there. I've told him things I'm most ashamed of, including my lowest moments. He knew me more than anyone, and has been to every one of my performances. Now all I have of him is a picture.

Bruce, you were my encouragement when I needed it most, and you were the reason I followed my dreams. You will always be the rock in my life.

Bruce...I'll miss you. I look forward to seeing you in the next adventure.

Bloody Sunday

U2

I can’t believe the news today
Oh, I can’t close my eyes and make it go away
How long...
How long must we sing this song?
How long? how long...
’cause tonight...we can be as one
Tonight...
Broken bottles under children’s feet
Bodies strewn across the dead end street
But I won’t heed the battle call
It puts my back up
Puts my back up against the wall
Sunday, bloody sunday
Sunday, bloody sunday
Sunday, bloody sunday (sunday bloody sunday...)
(allright lets go!)
And the battle’s just begun
There’s many lost, but tell me who has won
The trench is dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart
Sunday, bloody sunday
Sunday, bloody sunday
How long...
How long must we sing this song?
How long? how long...
’cause tonight...we can be as one
Tonight...
Tonight...
Sunday, bloody sunday (tonight)
Tonight
Sunday, bloody sunday (tonight)
(come get some!)
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Wipe your tears away
Wipe your tears away
I wipe your tears away
(sunday, bloody sunday)
I wipe your blood shot eyes
(sunday, bloody sunday)
Sunday, bloody sunday (sunday, bloody sunday)
Sunday, bloody sunday (sunday, bloody sunday)
(here I come!)
And it’s true we are immune
When fact is fiction and tv reality
And today the millions cry
We eat and drink while tomorrow they die
The real battle yet begun (sunday, bloody sunday)
To claim the victory jesus won (sunday, bloody sunday)
On...
Sunday bloody sunday
Sunday bloody sunday...

I Am, I Am Superman

I am sitting here in my home a little shocked at my self control. Jeff and I went out on last night, and since we had been drinking, I let him crash in my bed and I took the spare room. Yes...I was the perfect gentleman.

This morning, I checked around 7 and he was awake, so I laid down next to him in the bed and we spend the day talking. About what? Well everything really, including sex. Somehow...there is a wierd sexual tension between us that seems to be forming. I'm not sure what to make of it. After spending a day discussing your sexual desires, it took every bit of willpower to not do anything, but I kept it innocent. I don't want to screw anything up friends wise.

That being said, my friend Philip keeps telling me that I should try to make this more than a friendship. "You would be perfect together. You like the same things, and you find him attractive". Falling for your best friend...maybe not a good idea. We do love the same things though.

Speaking of common interests, next week we are going to go to Six Flags.

Back from BFE!

Well I got back from Athens yesterday and it was back to work today. I hate that town...middle of nowhere. It was better when I was living with John, but even then I still hated living there. I need the city...of course Cleveland isn't that large of a city, but I do like it better.

Jeff came over this evening to pick up his fish. I asked how his trip went and it looks as if it didn't go well at all. I'm guessing there is more to this friendship to whoever it is in DC. When I asked him what had happend, he said that he had hurt the most important person in his life. When asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said he wasn't ready. I've never seen him so down though, therefore I'm giving him a wide berth. He can tell me when he is good an ready.

It's Already July???

When does it get warm in Cleveland? It's been cold and rainy all of June and I miss the sunshine.

Today in 1987 my father died. 16 years? Can't be. I love when people ask about your family and you say your father is dead. They always say somehing like..."I'm sorry." What for? Did you kill him? Get over it...I am. My grandmother is distraught that I've never gone to his grave site. Why? He kicked me out for telling him I was gay, took my savings account and loans out in my name, and wanted nothing else to do with me. That relationship ended the day I left that household.

Jeff called and asked me a favor. He's going to DC for the holiday and needs a pet sitter. Not a problem, bring the fish over. We'll have a party. Of course, I would rather his pet had been a dog.

As for my plans...I have none really. John suggested I come down to his place and take a visit. I may take him up on the offer, but it will mean driving a fish to south eastern ohio. Not a bad idea. It would be kind of funny to do a photo montage of Jeff's fish going on a vacation.