My New Mantra

	You keep saying you got something for me Something you call love but confess You've been a'messin' where you shouldn't 've been a'messin' And now someone else is getting all your best Well, these boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you You keep lyin' when you oughta be truthin' You keep losing when you oughta not bet You keep samin' when you oughta be a'changin' What's right is right but you ain't been right yet These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you You keep playing where you shouldn't be playing And you keep thinking that you'll never get burnt (HAH) Well, I've just found me a brand new box of matches (YEAH) And what he knows you ain't had time to learn These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you Are you ready, boots? Start walkin'
Thanks, Nancy Sinatra

Tonight...Bowling league. Once again, I get to make a fool of myself in front of way too many people as I score a whopping 100 per game. Will I get better? Not as long as this hand stays broken.

I'm thinking about heading to Union Station afterwards. I'll take pictures of all the costumes that are really good.

Flattery

So on my "single and desperate" profile (an online dating system...with lots of really creepy people....and only a few good ones) I get the following comment.

Great profile, marvelous journal entries (see... somebody's reading 'em!), fabulous sense of humor, and you're cuter than a human has any right to be! You deserve more than a 10, but 21st century technology hasn't advanced far enough to allow that. Best wishes to you!

Flattery...and laughing at my jokes will get you everywhere with me.

Took an exercise class from Sean yesterday at the YMCA. This man has a butt you could bounce a quarter off of. I think his whole body contains about an ounce of fat. He had the class doing mega squats until I literally was moaning in pain. I am officially naming him "Sadist"! Today...I can't even sit at this desk without hurting.

Lunchtime Angels

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This is the story of three lovely ladies who had lunch with me.

Meet Holly: Glamorous, dark haired, and dangerous. Able to steal the hearts of straight men, and can kick balls clear to right field.

Meet Michelle: Small yet powerful, she takes the shortest path to the object of her desire, which is the hearts of ladies everywhere!

Meet Stephanie: Men can't have her, women want to be her! The most powerful of the three, she is the diplomat who radiates such light she can put a smile on the face of even the most bitter queen.

And who am I? The testosterone of the bunch, able to leap on tall men in a single bound, who speaks faster that a speeding bullet, and who writes up stuff like this while the system uploads records to the database. I meet these "angels" for lunch on a weekly basis, and my life is all the richer for it.

Dating After Turning 30 Part 2

The following piece is a continuation of my October 20th piece. I am still playing with this to use in the comedy routine. Please feel free to rip this apart. Sadly...it's true.

---

So in looking for advice on meeting men, I ask the queen of love interests, my mother. My mother has no problems getting into relationships. Her problem is staying in them. She turned 50 this year and has been married 17 times. I've had to call so many different men daddy it's no wonder that I'm gay.

And it really gets embarrassing when I introduce her to someone new. Mom, I want you to meet Tony! Tony this is Irene O'Connell-Doyle-Marcantonio-Kolczynski-Goldberg-Guttierrez-Nguyen-Popadopolis-Lazzarino-Rasmussen-Murphy-McKendry-Vardy-Massihzadeh-Koch-Guttierrez-Valdez-Smith. My mother's vagina is a revolving door.

People always ask me "why does she get married so often?" Well, I think because she was raised Catholic, she doesn't believe in sex outside of marriage. She does believe in the quickie divorce though. She has a friend who rents her an apartment in Reno just to establish residency.

My mother is the hippy who has never grown up. She works as a sculptress who and lives on a commune with 25 other pot-smoking artists. Need I say more?

Her first marriage was to my father at the ripe age of 17. Thus, I am the living proof that pulling out doesn't work. After I was born, she had her tubes tied because as she put it "I am never going through that pain again". Did I mention that she was raised Catholic and has mastered "Catholic Guilt"?

After divorcing my father, she decided it was time to celebrate diversity by attempting to marry men from nearly every nationality in the world. She's had 2 Italians, a Muslim, a Jew, a Mexican, a Mormon (because who else would have been married as much as she has?), and her most recent conquest...a WASP.

This past July, she called and said, "Guess what I did?" She was traveling across country in her 1973 VW bus when she met an artist in Climax, Georgia (you know....as a comic...there are some things that are too easy).

Two weeks after meeting, they were married. I'm 33 years old and my new father is a 30-year-old bisexual painter. I officially want to murder my mother and sleep with my father. For her wedding present, I sent her a gift certificate for marriage counseling.

Now my mother insists that I really don't need a man in my life. She says I need two. She wants me to find a monogamous threesome relationship. This way, I will always be sexually satisfied, and if one of us gets laid off, we still have two other incomes to sustain the "family". I have enough difficulties finding one man and my mother wants me to find two?

So when I visit her for Thanksgiving, not only do I get to meet my new father, but my mom is trying to find some nice men (and I do mean plural) for me to date. This is why I go to therapy.

Me and My Mom

Got back from Chicago...exhausted. Note to self...NEVER...EVER....do six auditions in one weekend. I could barely keep tabs on who I met.

Stopped at the Cliffton Web and stopped to say hi to Tony. I haven't seen him in weeks and wanted to find out how his trip to Denver went. Invited him to go with me to the Clam bake tonight. The dinner was huge. I've never had a clam before, so I tried one. Does anyone know if they always have the texture of rubber?

I ordered the steak, which was absolutely huge. 18oz T-bone! I was so full I couldn't eat the potato or corn. Even now....3 hours later...I can still barely breath. The party was a lot of fun though.

Afterwords, we went back to my place to watch a bit of television. I'm blaming the wine...but one thing led to another. Maybe I should start carving notches in my bedroom door.

Started working on the next comedy bit, discussing my mother and her marriages. Hopefully I will have it ready by tomorrow.

Chicago!

I'm here in Chicago, and loving life. I did my first three auditions and they seemed to go really well. I really meshed with the director of Comedy Sports. For now...I'm just resting before the show.

I went last night to see Chicago the musical. I hate to say it, but I was really dissappointed. The woman who was playing Thelma just didn't seem to have a very strong voice. Maybe it was a bad night or something, but she didn't really "own" any of the songs.

After the show, I met Steph, Michelle, and Julie at Picwick and Frolic. Julie was doing a performance at the Midnight Martini Show. Now she "owned" her song, singing "At Last". I'm surprised she isn't performing full time, she has the voice for it.

A Temporary Fix to Loneliness

11 PM
A call is made
Lying to myself
Only one
Night
Enough to feel close to someone...anyone

1 AM
Holding
On to a false image of love but
Lost in a false passion
Listening to each other
Only our hearts are elsewhere
Wishing for something more

3 AM
Every sound is amplified
My thoughts race
Placing my head next
To his
Yearning for more

6:00 AM
Early morning alarm goes off
Morning rituals start
But I need to change because I'm not
Alone?
Ready to start a new day.
Ready to commit a night to memory.
Already wondering if it was right
Scared to wake him
Signaling the end of something nice
Even if it was only for one night of
Denial


As it's pretty obvious...I hooked up with someone last night. Nothing serious, just felt extrememly lonely, and was needing comfort of another person. He's a good guy, and I've known him for while, so it isn't like it was random. Hell...who are you to judge?

Sisters

SISTERS

Now there was a time when they used to say That behind every - "great man." There had to be a - "great woman." But in these times of change you know That it's no longer true. So we're comin' out of the kitchen 'cause there's somethin' we forgot to say to you (we say) Sisters are doin' it for themselves. Standing on their own two feet. And ringing on their own bells. Sisters are doin' it for themselves. Now this is a song to celebrate The conscious liberation of the female state! Mothers - daughters and their daughters too. Woman to woman We're singing with you. The "inferior sex" got a new exterior We got doctors, lawyers, politicians too. Everybody - take a look around. Can you see - can you see - can you see There's a woman right next to you.

For some reason, I felt the need to summon up my inner bitch today.

Work...is work. Although it has been very busy. Nothing like the daily grind to drag you down.

I finished working my routine for Saturday. I'll rehearse it Friday and Saturday morning. I've scheduled 6 auditions for comedy clubs in the Chicago area this weekend, so we'll see where it leads me.

Called Joe and thanked him again for getting me this gig. I guess if I'm coming out of retirement, I should do it in another city where it just feels safer. That way when I bomb...nobody knows me. He's looking to work some new plays and want's to know how mine is coming. I can feel the heartburn starting. I'm nowhere near being ready to have this play produced. I still need to finish it, and I'd rather have it workshopped a bit first. I'm been feeling out friends to see who might be willing to read and be brutal.

Jim came over last night. He's all excited about closing on his new house. He's been looking all summer, so this is definitely a closing of a chapter on his life. His parents aren't too thrilled, but he is the baby and his buying a home is making them older.

When Hump Day Doesn't Involve Getting Humped

Somehow Wednesday seems to be the day I have the hardest time writing, and I don't really know why. So maybe this is supposed to be my brain drain day.

Got up this morning, and got to work by 7. Was covered in work by 8:30 and I haven't seen the light of day since. Way too many people want way too many things off me. Kinda feels like a gay troll bar.

Second day in a row that I went out to lunch. Yesterday, Dan...the guy who gave me his card from last week. How can I put this cleanly....he is very flirtatious. Not always a bad thing, but he does need to watch what he sends from a work email account.

Today...lunch with Cindy Lauper and Gwen Stefani. Ok...not really, but I think I had better company. Holly and Stef met me at the Sheridan for Lunch. Semi-cute waiter...service really slow...but I'm feeling generous enough to tip decently.

Hostess asked if we three ladies wanted smoking or non...(uhhh...does this shirt give me big man-boobs?) Can't a tenor voiced fairy take two of his favorite people to lunch without being accused a gender bender?

I'm starting to look forward to the weekend.

• Friday - Chicago at Playhouse Square, then off to Pickwick and Frolic to see a Stef's friend sing.


• Saturday - flying to Chicago to do a comedy show at a club in Evanstan, Il.


• Sunday - I've got three auditions at some other clubs in Chicago, then back on the plane to get home in time for a clam bake party at Mike and Joe's

So Jeff emailed me yesterday. Hmmm, lets see...well look at this...it's been two weeks since he last emailed...I notice a trend. Supposedly the reason he hasn't written was because he is rebuilding his computer. Too bad my online tracking service has him recorded as already logging in a few days ago. He feels the need to lie...go ahead. He's out of my life now. The difficult part is finding someone to fill that void created.

Somewhere That's Green

A matchbox of our own.
A fence of real chain link!
A grill out on the patio.
A disposal in the sink.
A washer and a dryer and
an ironing machine
In a tract house that we share
Somewhere that's green...

He rakes and trims the grass.
He loves to mow and weed.
I cook like Betty Crocker
and I look like Donna Reed.
There's plastic on the furniture
to keep it neat and clean.
In the Pine-Sol-Scented air,
Somewhere that's green...

Between our frozen dinner
and our bedtime: Nine-fifteen,
we snuggle watching Lucy
on our big, enormous
twelve inch screen.
I'm his december bride.
He's father, he knows best.
Our kids watch howdy doody
as the sun sets in the west.
A picture out of Better Homes
And Gardens magazine
Far from skid row
I dream we'll go
Somewhere that's
green...

Dreaming about something that you really want is problematic. The good part of dreaming is that it helps you define goals and if you are really motivated, you can work out plans to reach those goals.

The bad part of dreaming is when you meet people who have already attained those goals and are striving to reach higher. Part of you gets jealous and wishes you had had it as easy, to get those things in life that you want.

Dating After Turning 30 PART 1

I remember dating in my early 20's and how easy it was. You, met someone, fell in love...or lust depending on how good looking the person is...and you dated until one of you (or both) decided that it was over. You kept it civil and moved on to the next person. It was like a relationship assembly line.

After 30...Relationships aren't just you and the other person. It's you, the other person, and enough baggage to fill a freaking u-haul truck. When and where did these issues come about?

• You like him, he likes you, but there isn't that "spark".


• You like him, he likes you...he's in a relationship.


• He likes you, you like him...he's living with his mother who hates you


• He isn't codependent...unless you want him to be


• You like him...he likes someone else who likes you

And in my case, I only meet people from one of four categories...freaks, geeks, creeps, and alcoholics. It's up to the person to classify themselves into one or the other. So I've been trying to break out of the categories by finding new venues in which to meet people.

I try to meet men in a bar, but with the lighting as low as it is, and the loud music, I've found out the hard way that the "man of my dreams" is really lesbian with a good hair cut.

So I've tried meeting someone online...but that has its own disadvantages. For example. Earlier this summer I had been conversing with someone who shall remain nameless (Dan Nicholson of Mentor Ohio). Now he and I had met online and had been conversing for nearly two months before we finally decided to meet in person. After two months talking to this person, I had an image in my head as to what he would be like. I knew what he looked like as I had his picture, but I had not yet heard his voice or had seen him in person, so I jumped at the chance when he offered to meet.

He had gotten free tickets to a play and invited me to go along with him. So I agreed to meet him in front of the theater at 7:30. I dressed nicely, and was prepared to meet my future husband.

A man who resembled the picture came walking up to me, smiling, wearing a tasteful camel sportcoat and a pair of black pants. He said, "Are you Steve?" Apparently I'm not the only person meeting someone from online. Steve shows up...damn...if those two goodlooking guys can meet online...I'm going to meet my future husband!

As I am waiting for Dan to show up, I am surveying the crowd. This is the opening night of Cats and all the beautiful people are out being seen. Across the lobby I see a flash of purple, but before I can investigate I see this dark haired god walking my way. Sucking in my stomach and sticking out my chest (because that hides any extra weight), I flash this man a killer smile. He smiles back (this is Dan!) and says "do you have an extra ticket I can buy?". Smile collapses and my stomach expands, knocking the guy over into the crowd of people. Not Dan...

I then hear it...the lisp. "X-cuth me. Are you Patrick?" I turn around and see a man/woman/drag queen in a neon purple sequin sports coat, and green pants. He looked like grapes on a vine. I shudder as I say..."Dan?" He squeals in delight.

Now I have learned something about meeting people online. If you e-mail for too long, your imagination will eventually fill in for things you don't know. Like the sound of someone's voice. I was expecting to hear the Marlboro man...not someone who makes Brittany Spears seem masculine. If I wanted a woman, I'd have been straight.

So I'm stuck...but I'm going to make the best of it. We walk to the bar, and people are getting out of the way to avoid being blinded by the reflecting light of the sequins. In fact wherever you look, you can see tiny dots of purple on all the walls of the lobby, which is covering up for how red I am. I order a triple scotch...for obvious reasons. He orders a "white wine spritzer, pleaze".

Thankfully the lights begin to flash and it is time to take out seats. Yes...we have excellent seats in the center of one of the first rows. Imagine me following the walking grapevine as he "sashays" down the aisle. I honestly thing people in the audience thought he was part of the show until he took his seat. As we settle in, and I beg God for a merciful lightning bold, I hear this sort of evil snickering to my left and look to see Jason, the last guy I dated, sitting with who could only be his mother. Now this is a big difference between gay men and gay women.

Gay women, date, move in, break up, and stay friends...and eventually introduce each other to new girlfirends.

Gay men...we are evil bitches who want vengence when we get dumped! We will tell every friend we know every detail (which of course is always biased against the other person) and leave out the part about how we cheated. And we rarely want to EVER see an ex again, unless we are on a date with someone who is more attractive. This was not the case that night.

Jason and I dated only a few times until he dumped me like an old piece of trash.
Wow....this can't get any worse huh?

It does. Jason's mother seems to want to have a conversation with me (we had never met before) and she pries out of me that I am a single gay man. She suddenly says..."My son Jason is gay. Why don't you two go out sometime"? Jason is now visibly uncomfortable, my scotch is just not kicking in fast enough and Dan is singing along to whatever the hell music is being sung.

I answer with "If he still has my number, have him call me", and turn to ask Dan if he wouldn't mind switching seats. He has tears in his eyes as he is singing along with something about a stupid cat. I lower myself down so I can't be seen by the people behind me.

Next thing I know...I hear applause. I look to my right, and Dan is gone. Jason and his mother are gone. Looks like the triple scotch worked all too well and I fell asleep before intermission. And both boys left me. Now where is that beautiful God who wanted the extra ticket?

World Series Interruptions

So I'm sitting here, watching the World Series, realizing that if this is the way the game is going to be played, the Florida Marlins haven't got a chance of winning this. They are just playing so poorly tonight, and even though I am a Yankees fan, I'd at least like to see a decent game.

Friday night, dinner at Vivo in Cleveland before seeing the show at the Playhouse Square. I've seen Eddie Izzard do so much better, and I just don't think this was his best show. John and I met Holly and Pat at the show and we went for drinks afterwards. Holly I honestly have to say was the most fabulous looking person in the theater (maybe even out dressing Eddie). She truly looked dressed to kill. After going out for drinks, John and I, who had both been up since before 5 were ready to go to sleep. So back to my place.

Saturday at Cedar Point was a bit stressful at first. The lines were absolutely horrendous, with the shortest line being 45 minutes. Top Thrill Dragster had a line of over 3 hours, and the Millennium Force was running at 2 hours. Needless to say we didn't get to ride all the rollercoasters because of it. Next year I'm going to visit in May when all the high school kids are still in school. The lines are nearly non-existent at that point.

So today, John left this morning, just before 10:00. Was it nice to see him? Yes. I've always enjoyed his company, but realized over time that it was his friendship I loved and valued, but we just grew apart while living apart. It still is a little wierd between the two of us, but time is helping with that weirdness.

Now...back to the writing.

Unraveling or Unwinding

So I am barely able to keep awake this morning. The comedy show on Wednesday went really well. I guess this means I'm out of retirement. Now I need to make my next plan. I see that there is a show in Dayton next Wednesday (amateurs only...but I've been out of the business for 6 years...I can call myself an amateur). I'll give them a call and see where it goes.

Tonight, I get to see a performer I haven't seen in a long time. While in school I had the fortune of meeting Eddie Izzard, and tonight he is in town for his tour. John is also a fan, so we are planning on seeing the show together. Thank God I bought the tickets when I did...we got the last two in the house.

Tommorow we are both going to Cedar Point for a little end of season roller coaster therapy. I gotta give John credit...he hates amusment parks, but will tough them out because I'm such a fanatic.

NEW YORK WINS!!!

It only took 11 innings, but the curse continues with NY winning and going on to the World Series. I feel a potential wager in the future. Take me out to the ball game....Take me out I am loud!!!!

---

On a serious note, some crazy woman calls me last night threatening to out me at my work place, to my family, and ruin my life. She seems to think I am dating or screwing her husband. Lady:

1. Just becuase I know your husband from the gym, and he has my number does not mean I am screwing him.
2. Go right ahead and call my family...they already know, as well as my employer, and anybody who reads this journal. Want to get me fired?...I've been laid off 4 times in two years...I'm freaking used to it.
3. You need to get over your dried up old self and file for divorce.
4. Who is your husband anyway?

I am way too over this drama.

My Slumlords

The one thing I dislike about renting is that I have a landlord. I hate my landlord. I hate her with a capital "F". I hate everything about her. She has only one thing on her mind...the rent. If it's even 1 second late...(knock, knock, knock)...ughh...the sound of four fat knuckles leaving mayonaise on my door. And I know that I am in for a nose full of polyester fumes because when she comes barreling down that hallway, her thighs rub together like two cast members of the dirty dancing road show.

I even hate her car. A 1970's Pinto. It used to be salmon color, but the paint color is gone and now it just smells like fish. She gets over $600 a month from me. You think she would get a net to catch the pieces of car that fall off as she drives down the street. Well last night the car alarm went off on that piece of trash. 3 am... as in Ass Mine...Bite it.

She acts like my apartment is a mansion...and I'm an illegal immigrant maid. Last week, someone dropped a piece of trash on the sidewalk, and she called me to pick it up. She called me "Jose". Look at me...you can't get more Wonderbread than me.

-Ms. Beat

Explaining Gaydar

Cruising on a work day afternoon

So I'm sitting here at work, answering one of the many phone calls when I see this guy walk in to drop off some items to the executive secretary. Ding ding...gay-dar starts going off. Now I admit it, I can be a bit naive, but he said hi, and I at least said hi back without looking like an idiot. Waited 10 seconds before asking the secretary who he was.

She responded, "How do you know he was gay?"
"Gaydar."
"What's gaydar?"
Sigh...my eyes are rolling into the back of my head. "The ability of gay people to pick up on other gay people. Couldn't you tell?"
"He's just soft spoken."
"He's wearing good shoes, hasn't got a hair out of place, is wearing cologn and maintained eye contact for longer than 10 seconds. If that man isn't gay...neither am I."

Who was right? Well I can't be sure, but he came back down here to give me his number.
:-)

Now Appearing!

So a comedy club in Canton Ohio called me last night. They were at the audition last week and liked my work (the owner owns both clubs). They would like me to do the opening act tonight. Seems that someone who was supposed to work can't do it.

Canton Ohio...huh? Little over an hour drive? I'll be there. So I have to haul booty after work tonight to get there on time. Good thing I had material prepped...although I may skip the gay humor. I really can't see the audiences of Canton enjoying my comments about finding a boyfriend.

That being said, I can easily change my routines to match a straight person. He becomes she...etc. It's one of the things I felt uncomfortable about when I first started doing this. Be true to myself?...or be what an audience wants me to be?

My old agent (and mentor) was big on one thing..."Take What You Can Get". It's been good advice. I've played something close to scenery on stage before...but every little bit of exposure has helped me along the way. If I was to talk to Tony now...I could hear him scream "Straighten it up and make fun of them".

So am I ready? yes. Apprehensive? Oh, Yeah! I think I need another Triple Venti Latte from Starbucks

How My Mother Ruined My First College Date

My Alma mater recently contacted me asking for money. I'm surprised they wanted anything to do with me after all the trouble I caused.

I decided to go to college after taking a 3-year hiatus to live and work (starve) in NYC. Out of the blue, I applied and was accepted to the University of Colorado at Boulder. Now it was my mistake, but I was so excited that I called my mother and told her all about my getting accepted to college. My mother congratulated me and commented that she was a bit jealous that I was off on a great adventure. That was the last time we spoke until I moved. My mother at that point told me I should expect a surprise package.

Like most young people going off to college, I was excited, anxious, and unlike my peers shocked. My mother, so overjoyed that I had decided to go to college, decided that I should have company. She applied, was accepted, and arranged that we share a dorm room. Let me tell you...it made some great advances on my social life.

So I move into the dorm, and my mother makes more friends than I do. Now of course, this could be because the woman has more pot in the dorm room than all of Jamaica. Walking into my room smelled like a freaking greenhouse. My mother did try though and arranged a date for me with one of the only other gay men in the dormitory.

We had a nice dinner out, and came back to my room to talk. Mom was cool enough to let us alone, although she did feel the need to point out where the condoms were located. She had just baked cookies and had them cooling on the desk. Thoroughly embarrassed, I excused myself to go to the restroom. Upon returning, I noticed that my date was eating the cookies. A lesson to all people who meet my mom...NEVER EAT ANYTHING SHE BAKES.

My mother had dropped a hit of LSD onto each of the cookies. This poor fool had never even drunk alcohol, but had just eaten 4 cookies. I had no choice. I had to eat some cookies as those of you who have taken LSD will attest: you never do that stuff alone. Several hours later, my mother came back to the room. Her reaction: "Aww...you're tripping without me?"

He never did call me back after that date.

---

Hit a writers block last night, but I think it had to do with the stress of work. Yesterday was just a hell day and today is not looking much better being "Conference Call Tuesday".

Tonight, I have to face the music with the finance committee at the local church. I am not looking forward to that. How did I ( a person who does not like dealing with accounting) get involved as chair of a church finances? Because nobody else wanted to do it.

Same thing as being the webmaster for the softball league...nobody else wanted to do it and I didn't have the smarts to say no. Sombody shoot me now!

At least I finally registered the domain name and have begun preparing the website for traveling spotlight. I hope to actually have a working site by the end of the month. I found a group of pictures I would like to use (if the artist is willing to let me use them). If not, my mom has offered to send me some pictures that I might be able to use. I'd prefer to not use her works, as I really want this to be my site.

Time to prepare for the next conference call.

Love and Hate

Is it just me, or does anyone else notice the mundane things? I’m sitting here thinking about an art piece an acquaintance is working on. He is working on the representation of Love and Hate in color. Why is it that red usually represents the two emotions? Not to mention that in theater, murder is almost universally represented by red lighting. Even in the film version of Chicago, during the Death Row Tango, each of the descriptions of the murders has the women bathed in red lighting. Love and hate do seem to go hand in hand though. How often do we love to hate a particular character or person?

Phillip called me and told me his mother was just absolutely impressed with me. *Smile * She commented that she was a little surprised I was single as I was “so handsome”…Lady…come home with me and tell me that when I get dressed every morning. I need that kind of positive reinforcement.

I’m a little slammed here at work today, and because of that I am really looking forward to running after work. I need to burn off some stress before I murder the next person who telephones me.

I’ve started to focus the writing a bit more recently. Trying to concentrate on one image, or one situation and writing about it from different angles. In this case, I’ve written a scene from one person’s point of view, and I plan on working the same scene this week from the opposite person’s view.

John called me at work today. He loves his new job at Marietta College, but he's stressing over the loneliness factor. He isn’t used to moving around as much, and unfortunately being an introvert, he is having difficulty making connections. My advice, give it time. It takes nearly a year to really meet people. Use the year to really get to know the area. Find the people and organizations you like to be around.

Why Philip Means So Much to Me

Philip sent this email to me after reading my Sunday post. Friends like this are what it is all about:


My mom will like to hear that you wrote about her..she said she hasnt had
that much fun in a long time..she is a people watcher and like me ,seems to
be able to read peoples soul..at least enough to know wheather they are good
or bad.Helen said she caught my mom looking at Annie(the half asian girl who
sat next to Helen)in a not so nice way...apparently Annie was picking
toppings off of the pizza..not her own piece but right off of a pie on the
table..my mother frowns on actions like this and probly couldnt contain her
disgust!! Now you see why I am such a picky wierdo!!
You will never be a third wheel..Brian and I have plenty of alone time
and hopefuly have many years ahead of us as a couple. Its nice to have you
around and I hope to see much more of you. You are one of the few people i
trust in this world..its always been obvious to me that you are a special
person..not the kind that rides a short bus,but a good natured,pure of soul
type of special person. Its funny that we would become friends over the
internet like we did but to me that just shows that it must be fate...I
think certain powers have worked in my favor over the last year to have sent
you and Brian to me from such a distance.I am convinced more than ever that
men are afraid of you and they can tell right away that they wont be able to
fool you for long..so anyone with anything less than 100% self confidence
and self love would shudder in fear knowing that you can look right through
them..directly to thier weaknesses and shorcomings and yes sometimes even
thier malicious intentions.this could turn out to be one of those good
qualities about you that causes you suffering but in the long run its worth
it because anyone in your life will be real if they plan on staying for
long.
To put it in simple terms..you are like a corvette..you are beautiful and
sleek with tons of power..but only people who really know how to drive and
want to put effort forth to maintain you will kick your tires...everyone
else will have Ford Escorts for boyfriends and fall into a complacent
attitude about driving.
There is some of my car lot wisdom!! Hey..thats it..I bet your perfect
match could be found at a chevy dealership..or maybe a car show...you know
we have a pretty large chapter of LLambda gay car club here in columbus and
let me tell you some of those guys are quite fine and have it together
enough to buy fun cars and enjoy life. Next spring when they have thier
first show ...usually at Goodale..we will attend.
I am really thinking about you and pulling for you to come back to
happiness...screw Jeff and his snotty,superficail ways!! Dont let his issues
hurt you any longer. Any one who you call a friend should bow down and
praise god...if they dont then they should bow down and kiss somthing else
not to be mentioned in a corporate email.
I love you very much and am so glad our paths have crossed..you have
been a shining light in my life and I hope you continue to shine for me
forever.

Taking The Road Less Traveled

It's amazing how gettting away for a day can improve your outlook on life in general. I've just been in a great mood since this morning. Maybe because I bought three pairs of shoes today...if only it was that easy. Went to Columbus on Saturday morning to see my friend Philip and his boyfriend Brian. Philip went all out for the birthday and had a huge party at a local resturant. I don't even want to know what it cost him, but seeing the look on Brian's face (and just seeing how happy he is) made it wort it. The two of them are almost too cute. Funny thing is that even though they are completely into each other, they never make you feel like a third wheel.

I finally got to meet Philip's mom (who was absolutely incredible). That poor woman lost her husband last year after more than 30 years of marriage, and has such a wonderful relationship with her son. It makes me a little jealous of Philip. Sure...my mom is cool. How many people have mom's that set their sons on dates? However my mom has never really been a mother, and has really been more of a friend. Sometimes it would be nice to have a parent.

Of course, Philip wants to find me a boyfirend in Columbus, thus giving me a reason to move down there. I'm not against the idea, but I'm not really looking for a boyfriend now. I've got so many creative things going on in my life, and my writing is starting to really take off. I wouldn't turn down a boyfriend, but I'm really not going on the active search.

As for Jeff I think it's basically a done deal that the friendship is over. I emailed him on Thursday night saying that I still wanted us to be friends and would like to keep in touch with him over the winter. He hasn't emailed me back. C'est la vie! I'll wish him well...but I need friends who maintain active friendships, and not go absentee. He's got his issues, and I can only work on my own. He's admitted himself that his has screwed up friendships in the past and pushed people away. I guess ours was one of them.

Back to writing tonight.

FULL CONTACT KICKBALL

So last night was the tournament for our kickball league. Now I joined this league because I can be a bit competitive (a lot) and figured hey...it's kickball...let's just have fun. I should know better. Our first game was against the True Value Hardware team (AKA...breeding like bunnies).

From the beginning, this team has been the thorn in our sides. They have argued the most mundane rules, and have had a problem playing a gay team (calling us she/he/it).

So as I was running in for home base when the pitcher beamed the ball at me from the distance of about a foot. Knocked me over (but made a really spectacular fall).

We lost but it was a miserable loss, with team mates fighting against other team mates. It nearly came to blows at times, but at least it is over.

The post game party was at Curt and Don's house, where we watched survivor. Got home by 9:30 and was tired enough to just go to bed.

Bowling wasn't too bad tonight. I have an average of 109 from last week's games. Tonight I scored a 146 on one game but my second game of a 101 brought that average back down. It amazes me as to how some of the people on this league are scoring 230 averages. How do you learn how to bowl in the first place? For me, it's all pure luck.

Hair

So I went this afternoon to a new hair stylist. I have been living in this town since February and still haven't found one I really like yet.

That being said, I know everything about this woman, including that Denise has been single for 14 years. Her first husband and she divorced when he came out of the closet (uhhh...she has sissors in her hand...maybe I won't come out to her), she had dated someone two years ago, but he left her at the altar. She has four dogs, and felt it was necessary to tell me that her dogs are more loyal than most men. ( I had to agree...hey...she has sissors in her hand and she is working on my hair).

Now I don't have very thick hair (uhh thanks mom), but I'd like to have my hair looking neat. This woman took 1 hour and 30 minutes to cut my hair becuase she would not stop talking!

So...Now taking applications for hair stylist!
In honor of the haircut...I thought I'd put in a little piece from the musical Hair.

When the Moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius
The Age of Aquarius
Aquarius!
Aquarius!
Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation
Are the mind's true liberation
Aquarius!
Aquarius!

The Sound of Silence

Last night a man masturbated under my bedroom window. (Well if that isn’t an opener)…I’ll start this by saying that I love my home, and my neighborhood, except for my next-door neighbor. I hate that man. Hate him with a capital “F”.

His front porch is directly below and across the driveway from my window. This in itself is not a problem, but it does mean that I can see onto his front porch and hear whatever is being said when my window is open. I don’t have air conditioning, so my window is open often.

Last night, since it was really warm outside, I left my window open. I was awoken when I heard moaning coming from that porch. Being the concerned and somewhat rudely awakened neighbor (it was 2:30 am) I looked out my window to see my neighbor lying on his back on the floor of his porch. At first I thought he was injured, until I saw the familiar rhythmic moving of the right hand. This man was masturbating directly under my window.

Now my friends ask, “well did you keep watching?” Sadly, that is the last thing I would want to do. My neighbor is about 6’, long unwashed hair, full beard…well… he resembles Jesus, except that Jesus at least was able to keep a job as a carpenter. My neighbor’s job is to remain as drunk as he possibly can get without passing out.

So I go back to bed, and listen to his moans, figuring it will be…what?…10 minutes before he is finished? If this man were clean and sober…I’d date him. He has got some serious staying power! By 3:30 this morning, I had given up all hope of sleeping and had begun to think of songs that might go with his rhythmic moaning.

Raindrops on roses and warm little mittens
(Moan)
Bright satin sashes and cute little kittens
(Moan)
Brown paper packages tied up with string
(Mooooaaaaannnnn)
These are a few of my favorite things!

By four o’clock, I’m moaning with him, but in harmony. His moaning is getting more frequent, so I figure it’s probably close to being over. Yeah…right. All of a sudden I hear a woman’s voice say “ARE YOU JACKING OFF?”

Before I could stop myself, I screamed “IT DEPENDS. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?” Needless to say, the policewoman was not pleased with my answer and told me to close my window. So I closed the window, and realized I couldn’t sleep. It was too quiet.

Do You Ever Feel Like You're in a Box?

The walls surround me Reinforcing my position Alone Preparing for something Prepared for nothing Endlessly waiting Determined

Work day…like any other. Way too many calls coming in from way too many people. Tuesday is what I fondly call “Conference call Tuesday!” I’m in conference calls from 8:30 until the end of the day, but somehow I’m still expected to return my voice mails. Yesterday I hit a record of 167 phone calls. Today I will return them....NOT!

After work yesterday, I wanted to go work out, but really felt the need to just decompress. So down the street with my yellow book to the Starbucks for a little coffee and some writing. I should explain. I have several different writing journals, each with different meanings.

1. Green: my art journal. Mostly sketches, pictures that catch my eye, color combinations I might want to do in a future picture.
   
   
2. Yellow: Comedy and theater journal: This journal is the one where I prepare all my comedy routines, as well as observations of people in my environment. I usually take this journal to coffee shops and will write down random things I hear and figure ways to use them in future comedy monologues.
   
   
3. Black: The dark journal. I have a will that makes one very explicit instruction. Burn the black journal. This is the journal that I let nobody ever read, including myself. I only write things I may be afraid to face.
   

Thus my life is color-coded. I guess it’s better than having my life bar coded.

So off to grab a "Why Bother?" (decaf nofat latte), grab a seat, and take in some scenery. The one thing I hate about the Starbucks near my home is that it is a singles bar without the alcohol. I’ve seen more random hookups start there that at the local gay bar.

Ended up running into Pat and Car who had just gotten out of an AA meeting. Sad as it may sound, I am awfully glad when I speak to these two people. Any time I think my life may have been bad, just listening to some of the things these two have been through is enough to make my life a bed of roses.

Somehow the conversation turned philosophical regarding self-esteem and self worth. I made a point that a lot of people go into theater for the wrong reasons, looking for self esteem. The audience applauds you, and therefore you feel loved. The problem is how hard it is to get work in theater (even unpaid work). I auditioned 568 times in New York before I got my first part. I had to learn that auditioning was the real performing, and luck had a lot to do with it.

After the conversation, we went over to see Car’s new house. He’s bought this mammoth home that has been converted into three apartments. Car is looking at it as an investment. I’m looking at it as form of bondage. He will be tied to that mortgage for the next 20 years. Must be my fear of commitment lobe going off.

I have to admit that the house is incredible. Huge porches in both the front and back, and a far enough distance off the road that traffic noise really isn’t an issue. To be perfectly honest though…I like my place better. It’s quiet, off any busy streets, and I have two floors (so I can hide my laundry when people come over).

So because of the busy night…My personal writing is now behind a bit. Tonight...6 good pages. That's my goal. Oh...and to meet a sane single man in Cleveland...maybe I'll get 12 pages done.

The Fear of Hospitals

Angels in America: Perestrokia---Tony Kushner

Get outta here you; I got nothing to say to you...I want a white nurse.
I hurt. Pain’s ...nothing, pain’s life. When they did my facelifts, I made the anesthesiologist use a local. They lifted up my whole face like a dinner napkin and I was wide-awake to see it. I can get anyone to do what I want: For instance: Lets be friends. Jews and coloreds! My people being the first to sell retail to your people, your people being the first people my people could afford to hire to sweep out the store Saturday mornings.
Sit. Talk.
Oh for Christ sake. Whatta I gotta do? Beg? I don’t want to be alone. Oh how I fucking hate hospitals, nurses, this waste of time...wasting and weakness, I want to kill...course they can’t kill this, can they?
No. It’s too simple. It knows itself. It’s harder to kill something if it knows what it is.

Like pubic lice. You ever had pubic lice? I got some kind of super crabs from some kid once; it took twenty drenchings of Kwell and finally shaving to get rid of the little bastards. Nothing could kill them. And every time I had to itch I’d smile, because I learned to respect them, these unkillable crabs, because...I learned to identify. You know? Determined lowlife. Like me.
You’ve seen a lot of guys with this...I’m going to die. Soon.
That was a question!
I appreciate the...the honesty, or whatever...If I live I could sue you for emotional distress, the whole hospital, but...
I’m not prejudiced; I’m not a prejudiced man.

I've been thinking of this scene lately, especially since I went to the hospital on Sunday. I really hate that hospital smell and not having anyone to talk to as I am waiting my turn for x-rays, and treatment. I always feel so vulnerable in that situation. That was the first time I've even recieved medical treatment since I got back to the states.

I found it interesting that I swore that I would never go through a hospital situation again alone...and there I was, sitting alone in the hospital waiting room, watching CNN, while some person is dying of TB on my left, and some small child is puking up the contents of what can only be described as an entire candy store. His mother seemed bewildered "I don't know why he's so sick". Lady...if I ate all the halloween candy in K-mart I'd be puking too.

I actually tried called Jeff and asking if he would go with me to the ER. No answer. Why am I not surprised? Realized that if I'm on my own, I got to face the hospital fear and just do it. The minute I gave them my medical history, they were scheduling a battery of tests including the ever so fun EGD. Thanks, but I'd rather not have a tube put down my throat.

Off to more fun thoughts! I will be seeing Philip on Saturday! His boyfriend is turning...shhh...30. So I'm driving to Columbus to see the happy married couple, but also to get out of town for a day. Just a way to renew my energy.

Also...maybe a little shopping therapy as well.

Nice Love Handles

So I admit it. I fall into the trap of working out daily, but I’m not sure I can completely answer why. I’d like to say it is strictly for the health benefits, but it’s more than that. Part of it is a narcissism that I have.
We all want someone to admire our looks, and therefore we want to strive to look like those we admire. It’s how we define beauty and more often than not, how we set unreasonable body standards for ourselves. Do I want to look like Brad Pitt? Well yeah…but why? Probably because I perceive that if he walked into a gay bar in town here, he wouldn’t be lonely for long.
That being said, I see a lot of really good-looking guys online, who are single. What does it mean? Are they not getting approached either? What defines beauty? Will that pint of Ben and Jerry’s really hurt me?

I was speaking to my friend Corisa over the weekend, and have agreed to create her website for her. She has finally gotten enough pieces together that she is ready to open her online gallery. I haven’t created a website from scratch in a few years, so this is going to be fun. She wants to have her pieces online for sale by Thanksgiving. Nothing like pressure huh? I told her I’d do it for the price of one of her paintings 36”x40” or larger. Figure for the amount of work I will be putting into it, she can do that much. Of course I know that I will probably skip that charge and make her just workshop my writing later. I want to have a finished first draft by Thanksgiving. It’s Corisa that has inspired me the most recently (ok…that is not completely true, but I am not ready to admit to anyone the real inspiration), but it is Corisa that has convinced me to start writing once again. That being said…I swear she is a living muse, and the piece I am working on has become my XANADU. Of course…if I keep getting stuck in the dialog, I may need to start taking Xannex.

I don’t understand our pill popping society lately. Too depressed? Take a Paxil to cheer you up. Have heartburn? Take some Prilosec. We have pills to make you lose weight, and pills to help you gain it. Why do we look to treat the symptoms and completely ignore the causes? Is there a pill I can take to stop this rational type of thinking?

A THREAT

So I went to the hospital today. The right hand has been giving me a lot of pain since the Monday from hell. Low and behold..I have a broken hand. How fun! I'm putting this in writing.

JASON...IF I SEE YOU IN PUBLIC, YOU WILL BE VERY SORRY YOU EVER HIT ME!

Went to dinner with David this evening at Bahama Breeze. Chain resturant, but not bad. I feel way too full and I have more than 1/2 the meal in my fridgerator. He interviews for a job in Florida next weekend. I'll keep my fingers crossed for him.

Haven't heard back from the comedy club yet. Bad sign. I think I may have been cut. Oh well. Nobody said auditioning was easy. It just gets less and less painful getting rejected. Kind of like asking people out on dates. The more rejections you get, the less it hurts.

It is definitely time for bed.

Happy to be Home

Ahh where to begin. Jeff emailed me after hearing what had happend this week. Amazing what guilt does to people. I don't think he really should feel that guilty as he is only living his life the way he always does. His motto is "It's all about me".

I've thought about the flaws in that motto over the summer and it seems that it makes you inheriently a very selfish person who eventually will be alone as you are never willing to compromise. It's our biggest difference. My motto has alwasy been "it's all about you" and it is just as flawed, as I can easily become a doormat. The ideal is to find the balance between the two.

Jeff is one man person, and has a difficutly maintaining a balance between relationships. It's not a bad thing for him as it works, but it does make it very difficult to remain friends with him. I figure I won't hear from him for another two more weeks.

So I went bowling with the gay league here. I've learned something...I truely stink at the game. My best score was 114. My co-teamates are scoring 220's. I am the handicap.

This morning...I had my last audition at the comedy club for a spot on their next show. 30 of us battling for 15 slots. I worked the gay angle which seemed to work well. One of the comics was an African American woman who deserves to make it. She was absolutely hilarious. Worked the white guilt avenue. She is going to make it far.

Someone yesterday renewed my faith in the kindness of strangers. So if you are reading this...I owe you a sincere thanks Paul. I won't forget your words.

I did some writing today...finished about 30 pages. I still have trouble with dialog, as it can seem too contrived. Once the scene is completed, Ill copywrite and then post it for feedback.

Bed time.

Shame and Humiliation!

Friday! It couldn't have come soon enough. This week has been hell and I just want it to be over. I went on a date Monday with someone I thought was a great guy. Granted before Monday, we had only talked via email, but he still seemed great and I grew to trust him after talking for about a month. So I went to have a drink with him at the local bar. Usual chit-chat…blah, blah, blah. After one beer, I was ready to go home, as it was a work night. He walked out with me to the parking lot, and asked if he should follow me home, or if I should follow him. Now…I’m living by my new motto “whore no more”, so I’ve already decided to not have sex with this guy that night, and I tell him so. Next thing I know, I’m on the ground after he punched me in the face. He got a few good kicks in as well before I finally got away. It's not like I had been leading him on. This was a first date, and a work night.

Am I humiliated? Yes. Devastated? I don’t know. I have a black eye, which is just so attractive. I think the worst part of the fiasco is that I had nobody I could call to cry on. My best friend, Jeff has had nothing to do with me since he met his boyfriend (and after the way he’s treated me over the last 6 weeks, I don’t think I want to tell him everything anyway). I’ve always been one to make my friends my extended family, which is why his ending most contact with me has hurt so much. I haven’t been abandoned like this since my dad kicked me out when I was 17. I keep switching between “screw him” and “I miss him”. I do wish him well…he’s waited three years to find someone, and the person he found is such an admirable person that I have to be glad for him.

I’m really just so ashamed. How could I not have known that the Monday guy was a freak? I’ve been known to be a freak magnet, so if they want me…it’s a good sign to run away. I just wish I had someone to talk to about the whole incident. Instead I have the journal that will probably never be read.

I’ve kept to myself most of this week, in hopes that nobody would see me. Made it all the way to Thursday, before I had to go to the kickball game and face my team. 11 lesbians all wanting to kill a man…sounds like a typical Saturday night. I’m just in such a funk, and I’d like to say it is all because of Monday…but I’d be lying. It’s just a number of things that have all built up. I think I may go for a run tonight to clear my head. There is something about hitting the sixth mile and how everything suddenly feels better…I can’ t describe it, but it always clears my head.

Starting Over

I feel a little stupid switching over to an online journal. I've kept written Journals for 10 years now, and I broke up with someone for reading it, so why the hell would I publish them for the world to see?

My life has been nothing but flailing around for the last 7 years, and only recently have I realized it enough to take drastic action. The problem comes when I think what that action might be.

So I'm sitting here at work...preparing for the next change in my life. I've taken 7 years off to nurse a failing relationship, suspended a career, and move into the middle of nowhere Ohio so that I can start out all over again. Is it even possible to start my former career over again? I did stand up comedy as a way to deal with the life I was raised in...now I make my own life. How much of my life do I find humorous? Will anyone else?

People who don't really know me remark at how happy I always am, and no matter how bad things get, I always am in a good mood. It's all part of the personality of being "on". About the only thing that studying theater taught me. You always have to be "on", engaging people as much as possible, never making them think that inside you are having a bad day and would rather be alone.

Now I have chosen to let certain people see the off side of me. John, my family, Philip, and most recently Jeff. Up until the latter, I've had positive experiences, and made more intimate friendships. With the latter, I trusted someone and it backfired in a miserable way. Can I forgive him? Yes. Will I trust him ever again? Probably not.

So back to the life changes. I think it may be time to make a decision to move out of this town. The job situation in Cleveland is bleak to miserable. Everyone is laid off, and my steady work as an Office Temp Extroidinare (corporate whore?) is really not making me excited to get up in the morning.

I miss the real city. I miss performing in the theater. Chicago has always felt like home to me, and even though the job situation is just as bad there, at least the city feels like a home to me. Of course, if I don't find a job...it could be awfully nasty there.

When did this happen? Fear? I've moved so many times in the past (never living longer than a few years in an area) and have never been afraid to completely uproot and switch cities. Now suddenly I'm afraid of what could happen. No fear...it used to be my motto. I need to reclaim that.