The Boy is Back in Town!

So I just got back from Indy and the comedy show. For those of you who perform...you'll understand this...but sometimes when performing, you can be so into the moment, so into the experience, that the entire event becomes magical. No performance is exactly like another one, even when it is the same show, but two of the shows this weekend were absolutely magical. The audience was in the moment, I was in the moment and their was a connection between us. Those moments are the moments I live for in performance!

The second show on Friday night I had something unexpected and completely hilarious happen. During the middle of my bit, my cell phone started ringing. Imagine me onstage, looking a bit stunned as my pocket is playing "I Will Survive". I had two choices: let it ring (which means the song will play three times) or answer the damn phone. I answered the phone. It was my friend Cory calling to wish me luck on the show that night. Imagine me "well Cory...thanks for calling...There are some people that want to say hi...audience...let's all say hi to Cory!" The audience all cheered and I sheepishly turned off my cellphone after saying goodbye. Lesson learned.

Spoke to Peter on Saturday, as he had sent me a text message saying hi. We made plans to meet for lunch today, as I would be driving through Columbus where he lives. So on the way home, I called him and told him (on his voicemail) that I was about an hour away from Columbus this morning. Arrived in Columbus, and no Peter. He didn't answer his phone, so I hung out at the mall in the area, hoping to hear from him. Left an hour later...a little dejected.

He called me a few hours later apologizing and telling me that his mom had made a surprise visit to take him shopping. Sigh...I'm a bit bummed out...but those things happen, and at least he did call. Hopefully he'll come up and visit next weekend (I'd really like to see him and take him out). *Grin*

So....next comedy show is in San Francisco the Saturday after Christmas. Time to revise and kick out what didn't work and make the routine a bit better.

Sangria Wine Hangovers Suck!

Last night I finally got to meet Sharon in person. She works in the computer support center of the bank I work at, so we talk on the phone daily, but I've never seen her face (she works in the western suburb). So I finally get the treat of meeting her in person. She's hot! I'm surprised some guy hasn't snatched her up yet. She was hilarious to hang out with, and her two other friends were just as nice. So...two cosmopolitan (I know...how gay can I get?) and dinner of raw fish, and we are heading over to another place for some Sangria wine.

This sangria was fresh made, and we shared a pitcher and 1/2 between four of us. Let me tell you....that wine packs a serious wallop! I am sitting here typing this, already having consumed my second aspirin of the day. I did sleep for a good 4 hours though.

I decided to take Bill's advice and go to Kevin and Brian's house for Thanksgiving. So I am spending this morning finishing my laundry and working on my comedy bit (just the final tweaks) before heading over for gluttony fest. I haven't eaten anything so I can eat a little of everything they have made.

While watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, I began to wonder. The commercialism of Christmas is so ridiculous. Nearly every float had a performer singing Christmas music, and every advertisement is about buying "things" to give to people. I actually prefer made gifts and things that come from the heart. In my case the two best presents I have ever received were a box full of groceries, and a song that was written and composed for me. Both gifts were from the heart, and I've never forgotten them. It just surprises me how much we all (myself included) get caught up in the buying of "things". This year...maybe I'll just bake bread.

More Words of Wisdom

You have a choice in life: You can either flick yourself in the head over and over, for months at a time, causing a consistant pain -or- get yourself a really good frying pan and just wack yourself really hard just once. Which will hurt less over the long term?

Car (mentor extroidinare!) gave me those words of advice back in August when I hit a real low point, and I took those words to heart. I had been hurting myself very slowly over and over, and decided it was time to just make it a really painful blow and just get over it and heal. Since then I have a 12lb frying pan hanging in my kitchen to remind myself that sometimes it's better to just get the painful stuff over with.

I've noticed that I can be a true glutton for punishment at times. I try to take care of myself, keep out of trouble, and keep things positive, but every once in a while I do something that is such a kick to my emotional or spiritual well being that I question my intelligence.

I did something stupid today while surfing the Internet, I was checking on some old friends I haven't seen in a long time. Looking up information, I found something I shouldn't have found and it really just stung me emotionally. Serves me right for surfing at work I guess. I haven't felt this hurt in a long time, and my mood is basically shot for the rest of the day for sure. Thank God I get to be alone tomorrow.

Spoke to Peter last night (ok...mood is brightening up), and suggested he come up and visit up here next. He seemed to be into the idea. He's off work next week (lucky dog), and I'll be in town the whole weekend, so it could be an advantageous visit. He's hard to read, so I don't know if he is into the idea or not.

My neighbor Michael is moving out today. I hate to see him go, as he was such a good neighbor. Never played his music loud, always said hi, and would get your mail when you were out of town. I don't think the landlords have found anyone yet, but I sure hope they find a nice sane tennant, who is just as quiet.

Tonight I get to eat dinner with Sharon and some of her friends. We are going to Sushi Rock in the warehouse district. I can hear the tuna rolls and salmon calling my name. Not to mention a nice martini. It's been a hard week.

Fear is Setting In

So I realized that in two more days, I leave for Indianapolis for the next comedy show. Mortal terror has kicked in as I realized that I will never feel completely ready for this show. Then again...I've never felt completely ready for any show. so although I am rehearsed and written, I'm feeling a little nauseous.

Went to Brian and Kevin's house for coffee. They are making Thanksgiving dinner for Kevin's family (dinner for over 12...small family?). So they are making a ton of food. Brian was asking if I want to come to Thanksgiving dinner with them, but I really want to just take that day for myself. I figure this will be a good time for me to work on the routine, and take some time to relax.

Someone mentioned that I haven't posted in a while, but I realized she may be checking my old blogger site. Mary Lou, and anyone else...my page is now www.travelingspotlight.com. Sorry for the confusion to anyone who had linked to the old site. I just decided it was time to get my website and then eventually I can use the site for promotions.

Mom called and she has gotten me an opening act during the Christmas week out in San Francisco. I'll post more details on the club as I find out.

Friday already?

Very slammed at work, and hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel (preferably not the "final" tunnel).

Shamus is going to come along bowling tonight, giving us a fourth person to bowl on the team (which we never usually have). Best part...he is a worse bowler than I am, so I won't look nearly as bad.

I'm going to see Noises Off, the play that Michelle is assistant directing, on Sunday at 2. Yipes...boss is coming. Time to look busy.

Missionary Positions

For some reason...this song has been stuck in my head for the last couple of days.

Well I was born an original sinner.
I was born from original sin.
And if I had a dollar bill
For all the things I've done
There'd be a mountain of money
Piled up to my chin...
My mother told me good
My mother told me strong.
She said be true to yourself
And you can't go wrong.
But there's just one thing
That you must understand.
You can fool with your brother -
But don't mess with a missionary man.

Don't mess with a missionary man.
Don't mess with a missionary man.

Well the missionary man
He's got God on his side.
He's got the saints and apostles
Backin' up from behind.
Black eyed looks from those Bible books.
He's a man with a mission
Got a serious mind.
There was a woman in the jungle
And a monkey on a tree.
The missionary man he was followin' me.
He said stop what you're doing.
Get down upon your knees.
I've got a message for you that you better believe.

Holy Cow!!! I can get married in Massachusetts? Now all I need is a potential husband! Anyone reading want to take me up on the offer? Hello? Is this thing on?

The Mirror in the Uk published this article for Bush based on his impending visit to London.

THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO GREAT BRITAIN Nov 17 2003

That's this itty bitty country due east of the States where folks talk kinda weird, Mr President

By Ruki Sayid And Damien Fletcher


1, LONDON is the capital of the UK which is an independent country and not your 51st State.

2, OUR Sovereign is Queen Elizabeth II (that's pronounced second not eleven). You must not put your arm around her and call her "honey" or "l'il lady". She is to be addressed as "Your Majesty" or "Ma'am" at all times.

3, HER eldest son is called Prince Charles not "Chuck". Don't talk to him about butlers, valets or ask him if he's seen any good videos.

4, WHEN you sit down to a state banquet you use the cutlery starting from the outside. Big Mac and fries won't be on the menu.

5, THE RAF won the Battle of Britain not Tom Cruise or Bruce Willis.

6, WE live in a democracy and as such have the right to demonstrate so if your route is lined with thousands of anti-war protesters, don't ask for them to be extradited to Camp X-ray.

7, WE say trousers not pants - unless of course we are referring to your foreign policy.

8, WILLIAM Shakespeare, our greatest playwright, wrote Romeo and Juliet, not Zefferelli. Don't ask to meet Will - he's dead.

9, BE sure to register for the congestion charge when your motorcade drives through London or mayor Ken Livingstone will hit you with a £40 fine for every car.

10, WE put milk in our tea, not ice, have toast not waffles for breakfast and walk on the pavement not the sidewalk.

Have a nice day...not!

BROWN'S WIN!!!
A picture from the seats	Shamus and the two vendors

So obviously I went to the game on Sunday. Shamus had called and left a message saying that one of his vendors had an extra ticket and he wanted to know if I'd like to go. YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Even with having no sleep (insomnia has kicked in again), I had an absolute blast! The only bad part of the game was when the Browns decided the run down the last three minutes of the clock. If we had been getting killed by a team, they would have played us down to the very last play, so I really don't see why Cleveland had to wuss out. Nuff said. Next week, we play Pittsburgh, and Cleveland HATES Pittsburgh.

Something that I found really interesting about the whole event is the fanaticism of the fans. People who dress in orange and brown down to the underwear (brown underwear? shudder...I choose not to comment on that). Some of these people have radio headsets to listen to the commentary as they are watching the game. Couldn't you see what happened?

And as for the name of the team? What the hell is a brown? The field has the image of a bulldog on the field (so why not name the team the bulldogs?). Who the hell came up with the Browns?

The other thing that I found really interesting was during the national anthem. Now I admit I am not a patriotic person at all. In fact, I was taught as a child to not say the pledge of allegiance. My mother was never really pro-American (we all have our hippy relatives), and some of it has stuck with me. I just found it interesting that the words of the anthem are displayed on the scoreboard, and that if you didn't rise, you were given dirty looks, if not downright verbally attacked for it. The right of free speech says I don't have to stand, and I don't have to salute, if I don't feel the need. But a football game may not be the right place to take up that debate. So I stood, and drank a beer, and froze my butt off while screaming "Run Forrest Run!" when we had the ball.

The benefits of being an insomniac!

Saturday morning, third day in a row that I haven't been able to sleep. I finally got fed up and got out of bed at 3:30 am. Got dressed, and went for a walk. It always amazes me how the world shuts down at that time of night. Everything is utterly still. You stand on the street corner and can hear the traffic light change from red to green. No birds, no cars, no sound really at all, except for your own breathing and footsteps.

So I walked down my street to Lake Ave, turned right and walked to the Edgewater park. This park runs along the west side of the city and up against Lake Erie. Walked through the park, down the hill and past the beach as the sun was beginning to lighten the sky. Past the marina, and even pass the treatment plant, I walked until I reached the city.

I love walking without a time frame or purpose, stopping when I see something that I want to look at. I turned and continued my walk through the city of Cleveland, walking past the buildings as I strolled towards the Detroit St Bridge (Memorial Bridge). Crossing the Public Square en route, I noticed all the homeless people, wrapped in blankets, laying in the fountain areas. I always wonder about these people. How are they surviving? Of course, I keep walking, moving quickly past, not making any eye contact (I've lived in New York City!). As I am crossing the bridge, I begin to wonder if this was the smartest route to take home. The neighborhood of the Detroit Shoreway is not the nicest, and it is only going on 6 am.

I pass the home of a friend and like always, I check to see if the light is on in the window. No...but I would have been surprised if it had been. On course, I make a right and head back to the park, going through an underground tunnel to a short pathway leading back to the beach. The sea rats are out and I can hear them in the distance.

When I was a child, I used to love sea gulls. I thought they were the greatest birds. Then I spent six months living at the beach, fighting them away as I would try to eat my dinner, watching as they would steal food from my plate. Beach people call them sea rats for a reason. Here at the lake, we have sea rats, just no salt water. As I approached the beach I saw the strangest site. A man was getting out of his car, with grocery bag full of nothing but birdseed.

As he walked along the beach, he just sort of poured the seed out of the bag. It had to be at least 2000 birds all diving for seed around this man. At one point, I couldn't even see him. It is probably the only time I have ever wanted to own a picture phone, so I could have taken a picture of the site.

Got back to the house around 8, sat down and tried to write, but for some reason (lack of sleep?) I just didn't have the energy I had had before hand.

Tonight, I get to see Gypsy at a local community theater. Hopefully I can stay awake during it.

Another Sleepless Night in Cleveland!

The weather was beautiful when I left work last night. So I decided...why not go for a early evening run? (Damn foolish) Weather was somewhere around 65. I was running along the lake front when I saw the first flash of lightning. At this point, I was 6 miles away from home and in shorts and a sweatshirt.

"Shit!"

The skies opened up and dumped what felt like the equivalent of the contents of lake Erie on my head. The worst part was that the storm was followed by a huge cold front. Had I watched the weather report, I would have known this...but me...being the ass, didn't pay attention to the report this morning. So by the time I got home, I was soaking wet, and the temp was only 38. I was so cold my lips were blue.

So while running I was pondering things a bit, to keep from thinking about freezing my butt off. I've started meeting new people lately, and there are some potential dating opportunities coming up ahead. Perhaps things are looking better for me.

Received an invitation to a Christmas Party (good God! Is it that time of the year already?) for December 20th. Irene has already bought me a plane ticket and I'm not sure if I will be in town now because I think the flight is the 20th, so hopefully I can go. Supposedly Irene has the "great guy she is dying for me to meet". We'll see, but my mother's taste in men does not usually mirror my own (except for the fitness models). I prefer my men mentally stable and employed. Washboard abs are just a fringe benefit.

I'm a little apprehensive about the party for good reasons. Jeff will likely be there and I've worked hard to get over his ending our friendship. I'm big enough to not cause a scene, but it comes down to am I strong enough to deal with being treated as if I am invisible, and not feel bad? The last couple of kickball games were bad for that reason. I'd say "Hello", he'd look right through me. I'm over that kind of middle school behavior.

I spoke to Car about it (as he has been words of wisdom these last few months) and he suggests things he has learned in AA. Do I feel weird taking the advice of AA when I'm not a big drinker? Hell...if the advice works...take it. I've been working on the kicker "It's not my problem". Jeff being an asshole is not my problem. My reaction to his treatment is.

Talked for a little bit with Philip's friend Peter last night. He's got a good sense of humor. I like that. I look forward to meeting him. Unfortunately the power went out while I was talking to him, so I couldn't finish the conversation online. I did send him an email after the power came back on.

Went to bed thinking...sleeping pill time. Didn't work. The winds have arrived and they are so freaking loud. My windows rattled from midnight on, so I just stayed up and read. Don't ask what...with the little sleep I've had, I couldn't tell you. I should have picked up a technical manual, that always knocks me out.

Driving in this morning, I watched the waves crashing in from the lake. Some were well over 10 Ft. It always impresses me how easy it is to underestimate nature. My last rafting trip, our raft flipped, and swimming that current was probably one of the scariest things I have ever done. Being completely at the water's mercy.

It's going to be a long caffeine filled day.

One Hot Piece of Ass

One hot piece of ass

Spent Monday trying to catch up on the mounds of work that have been piling up on my desk. As I got to the office, I accidently knocked over my coffee onto all of my paperwork, thus everyone is getting coffee stained reports for the next few days.

So I checked my site statistics and someone found my site by searching "hot gay sex pics". I'd like to know where on my blog you can find those, as I know haven't posted any.

Still struggling through writers block on this most recent installment of the dating after 30 bit. I also need to find a serious tone to tie it all together, and I think I am going with "It's ok to be alone!", cause damnit...I like my life enough and I'm alone (but I'm taking applications).

The scary side of being single

In the few years before his December, 1978 arrest, John Wayne Gacy killed at least 33 boys and young men and buried most of them in the crawl space under his home near Chicago, Illinois. Gacy, a building contractor, lured them to his home with prospects of employment and sex, and then tortured them before killing them.

-taken from Four Visits to Serial Killer John Wayne Gacy by Charles Nemo

Friday night: After bowling, I went to dinner with a large group of the bowlers and my friend, who I'll call Steve. We dined at a restaurant appropiately nicknamed "Dirty Diana's". Steve and I went for coffee before I bid him goodbye (he going to his home).

Saturday afternoon, Steve stops by. He decided on Friday night that he wanted to go out to a bar after dropping me off at my place (which he being a recovering alcoholic...not the smartest choice on his part). He met someone, took him back to his place, had sex, and then the guy asked that Steve drive him home. As he was driving this random guy back to the guy's home, the guy pulls a gun on Steve, makes him pull up to a ATM and take out $200. He then steals Steve's cell phone, gets out of the car, and leaves Steve to freak on his own.

This bothers me for so many reasons: Is the economic situation so bad in this country that people are that needy for cash? I wouldn't have had the $200 to give the guy.

Never....EVER...EVER TAKE SOMEONE HOME WITH YOU WITHOUT A FRIEND KNOWING WHAT IS GOING ON !!!! I try to never be judgmental when it comes to my friend's sexual activities (it's not my business, as long as I'm not involved), and I've had my weak moments where I've taken someone home for one night (no judgments please....I'm 33 and single...I take responsibility for my actions, and it is my life). But if I've taken someone home with me, I've learned to make sure that someone I know, anyone, is aware of what I am doing.

But this whole situation brings up the thought that you never really know a person at all. When do you let your guard down and say "This is my address, pick me up at my house"? I never give my address out, and I only give my cell phone number to people as that way you can't use the reverse phone lookup. Do we actually take our lives in our hands every time we meet people, or is it really that the Midwest is just full of crazies?

Are we all freaks?

I tried to get Steve to come with me to a vegan potluck Saturday night and get his mind off the whole preceding night's activities...no go. He did help me make a meal though (since I took him to get a new phone), and since it was a vegan meal, I made pork chops before going (hey...I like meat!).

The potluck was interesting, with way too much food, but what I though was funny was that we started talking about anti-depressants. Nearly 1/2 of the people at the party were on them, and we all started talking about the side effects and how we felt on them. I was the Paxil representative, someone else was on Zoloft, another person was on Welbutrin, several people were on Prozac. So here is the question...why are us 30 something's all depressed? I know where my depression is coming from (gay divorce, best friend abandoning me, oldest friend dying, getting laid off), but are we all depressed or have we never learned how to cope with life's problems? What the hell are these pills doing to our brains and emotions on the long term?

Sunday, tackled Mt. Laundry! 9 loads, and still was able to go to dinner at Brian and Kevin's place. Car made this incredible spaghetti sauce consisting of Sausage and meat balls (the vegan's are all screaming now). Got to spend some time with friends I haven't see a whole lot lately, which was really important to me. I've said it way too many times, but my family is made up of my friends and they are my support system. So when I start cracking into pieces, I can rely on a few of them to provide the glue I need. I was hoping Steve would show up, but he's feeling a need to isolate himself. I told him my phone is on and he can call whenever he needs to.

Now to attack the house cleaning duties...

Great borrowed picture

Had dinner with the promoter last night. We talked venues, we talked travel, we talked comedy and mutual friends. We talked about talking again. If anything, she is for sure going to get me booked in a Columbus Ohio club before Christmas. We'll see where it leads.

After dinner, met Car to see Moliere's Tartuffe (which always sounds like a sneeze to me). I love the play, but I find that prose gets in the way of comprehending the story at times. Car agreed. The rhyming actually is distracting, although it can in itself be comical.

First act...moved a little slowly, and I kept screaming in my head "PACING!!!!", but the cast more than make up for it with the second act. Worth the $35 tickets? Well... I choose not to make a comment.

Tonight is my weekly spanking at the bowling alley, followed by dinner with some bowling friends. Tomorrow, besides doing what can only be considered a mountain of laundry (I may actually be King of the Hill), I have a Vegan potluck to go to. Sunday...low and behold....no plans. I can actually feel a sigh of relief with no responsibilities coming my way.

Wise words from a mentor

A construction worker is working on the 67th floor of a high rise building in the city. Because it can take so long to get to the ground, he has his lunch with his coworkers on the floor.

On Monday, he opens his lunch bag, looks in and frowns. "Tuna! I hate tuna". He tosses the lunch off the building side and just sits in disgust.

Tuesday he opens his lunch, and to his dismay "Tuna again? Yuck!" His coworkers look on as he throws his lunch off the building again.

Wednesday one of his co-workers offers to switch sandwiches, but he says no as he throws his tuna sandwich away.

On Thursday another co-worker asks him a question. "If you don't like Tuna, why don't you just tell your wife to make you something else for lunch?"
The guy looks at him and says "I don't have a wife. I make my own lunches."

Car,
I know you don't read this, but these words you spoke to me in August have just stuck.

Something I've noticed is that we humans are a funny race when it comes to change. Most of us would rather bitch about our circumstances than actually making a change from within and seeing where it takes us. Hopefully none of you are making tuna sandwiches for yourselves. (on a side note...I actually DO HATE TUNA!)

****
Started working on part 3 of the desperately dateless series (dating after 30), and hope to have it done by this weekend. I plan on using it in Indianapolis over Thanksgiving. Called mom to tell her I won't be there for Thanksgiving, but we are on for Christmas.

I actually enjoy going to her place for Christmas, as I don't have to spend much at all. The commune has a name draw for gifts, and each person has to give something of themselves and their art. So I'll be coming home with some really cool piece of artwork, or a composed song, or a book of poems. All things from the heart, and not from the wallet. I've got some great art pieces that way, and I still like doing that.

Of course, that means either coming up with a performance piece that I can write out for the person, or I need to bring out the glass paints and start getting ready for the next glass piece. Of course...time will be the issue. Maybe insomnia is not a bad thing?

Wednesday!

A truly inspiring post from Phyllis that brought tears to my eyes. Do yourself a favor and read her blog entry dated Nov. 5th.

I'm drawing a writers block, which happens to me when I don't get enough sleep for a few days. Because of this, I went to the doctor earlier this week and got some prescription sleeping pills. I've always been a light sleeper, and when I get stressed, or anxious, or depressed, or when the Earth revolves I end up getting insomnia. This...has been my longest bout though. Since my oldest friend died in July, I haven't slept a full night. The most I have gotten any night since then is 5 hours. Last night...the little pink pill I took knocked me right out for 8 hours. Way weird dreams...but boy did it feel good to sleep.

Michelle asked me an interesting question Saturday night. "Do you find your second chance at life to be easier?" I answered no, but I don't think that fully qualifies it. It our late teens and 20's, we are much more trusting and have very little emotional baggage. We just haven't been hurt enough to develop those defense mechanisms. By the time we hit our 30's, things have changed. We look at life differently, and we avoid putting ourselves at risk. My goal for the next month is to take a few risks and see where they take me. I figure I can't get hurt any worse that I already have been in the past and this gives me the chance to get something new. Of course...talk is cheap. More action. Yawn...bedtime!

So last night I went to my favorite hangout...the local Starbucks Coffee shop. While waiting in line, I see my friend Pat with his father and step-mother. So we sit, have a cup of coffee and get to know each other. It comes out that I do stand up comedy and before I know it, his dad is on the phone with a friend. Just so happens that she is a booking agent for comedy clubs in the tri-state area. We talked a bit on the phone, she listened to a portion of my newest bit (God bless mom for being a freak!), and we are meeting for dinner on Thursday to discuss promos and venues.

I feel a little overwhelmed right now, as this is taking off really quickly. I was out of this business for nearly 7 years, and to get back in it this quickly means that I'm going to hit hard times much later, when it will hurt more. Until then, I'm on this rollercoaster, not sure how far the next drop is, if I have any loops, or will the ride be a short one or not.

Checked the voice mails and I've been booked for a comedy club in Indianapolis over Thanksgiving weekend. A friend of the one guy I auditioned for needed someone for the weekend. I'm going to have to drive this time as it will be impossible to find a cheap enough plane ticket. Somehow I have a bad feeling I'll be sleeping in the car to save on hotel expenses as well.

Opening act, followed by emcee work for the rest of the evening. Good thing is I won't have to see my mom over Thanksgiving...but bad thing is that I will have to see her over Christmas.

Toy Story

I attended a sex toy party on Sunday night with Steph. How can I describe the event? 17 lesbian women, and 3 gay men all handling vibrators of different weights and sizes. My personal favorite...the Buck Rodgers model, which had literally lights and moving ball bearings. This thing could guide planes into airport runways.

Had some type of reaction to the throat de-sensitizing cream (to reduce the gag reflex) and my throat is still pretty sore today. Do people actually use that stuff?

Found this article while searching for a picture of the Buck Rodgers model (I'll have to post that one later). How many innuendos can you find?

Marital aids available in bulk

By Richard Salmons
June 21 2002

This morning, a warehouse in a Canberra suburb is bulging at the sides with possibly the greatest collection of X-rated apparatus outside Los Angeles' San Fernando Valley.
This follows the delivery of nine tonnes of "prosthetic penises, harnesses, vibrators and leather marital aids" into the care of adult product purveyor Sharon Austen Ltd.
The truckloads of goods have been arriving since Sharon Austen struck a deal to distribute sex toys - in what chief executive Chris Thorpe described as innovative materials, textures and shapes - from United States manufacturer Erostar Erotic Novelties.
The Sharon Austen-Erostar deal created a unique German-American tie-up, Mr Thorpe said. "Their products have been created with passion, pleasure, fantasy and always state-of-the-art functionality in mind," he said.
Sharon Austen is 30 per cent owned by German company Beate Uhse.
Erostar explains on its website that it aims "to create the supreme adult-toy manufacturing facility - a facility that is beyond anything the adult industry has ever seen".
If nothing else, the mountain of stock - equipping Sharon Austen for a marketing thrust that it says will "cut out the middleman" - gives weight to its boast that it has "gone long" on sex toys.
The arrival of the goods also follows a restructuring of the company, which recorded a $750,000 net loss in the six months to December.
It pulled out of dot-com ventures, forged a union with Mr Thorpe's company Divolution, and wrote off a lot of nonperforming assets.
Mr Thorpe explained: "By importing our goods directly from the manufacturers, we improve our margins.
"This move expands on our strategy of focusing on our core strengths and existing distribution channels."
The stock firmed one cent to 10 cents yesterday.

I need a Pick Me Up

So my bowling buddies and I go to Twist after having dinner. I haven't been in this bar since Jason Beat the crap out of me, so I was very apprehensive. First person I run into asks where Jeff is, so I have to launch into the standard "he has a boyfriend now so we don't talk" speech. This still hurts.

Now this bar does get to be a bit much, but it is walking distance from my house, and most of the guys here don't get too creepy. Not five minutes after arriving, this guy comes up to me, sits his big ass down on the pool table next to me and says "I just want you to know...looks don't matter to me." He then launches into a tirade about another guy at the bar. Something about a prostitute, a mother dying, and a really beautiful card (this sounds like a bad joke).

So if I haven't mentioned it before, I really am the original freak magnet. If I hold my arms up, every man that has emotional problems, lives with their mothers, or is mentally unstable, will be attracted like a moth to a flame. I have to beat them away with a mental metal pipe. So what lines have I had used on me?

Pick up lines used on me

1. I just want you to know...Looks don't matter to me.


2. Do you work for Fed EX? Cause you definitely look like you could deliver over night.


3. Was your father a thief? Because he stole the starlight an put them into your eyes.


4. You look familiar....have I slept with you?


5. Got any black in you? Do you want some?


6. Nice shoes....wanna F*ck?


7. I'm only in town tonight, and you are really hot. Would you like to hook up?


8. I just love a big ass...

I will say this, two on this list were used in the same night on me. My friends Brian and Kevin laugh every time we go out, as my love life usually provides them with entertainment.

Well back to Mr. Insult. I know he wasn't trying to insult me, but rather trying to impress upon me that he wasn't so superficial, but was the last thing I needed. So when the next guy (who wasn't bad looking) said "I think you're really hot, and I'm only in town for tonight, do you want to come home with me?" I was only more than happy to pay my tab and leave.

Now I have seen large ones in the past, but ...Oh...My...God... His Dick needs to be declared a weapon of mass destruction. I honestly couldn't get my mouth around it. And what a kisser...Where were you last summer?