Close to You

There comes a time in a new relationship when you need to start letting your guard down and opening up the everyday activities in your life to your other half. This can be a valuable step in the direction to permanency and the elusive Long Term Relationship. The question is when is the right time, and what is the right level of guard that is lowered.

I'm thinking specifically of my close friend (who shall remain nameless) and her budding relationship with a strapping young musician. The relationship had been going very well and they had become intimate (they were doing it like bunnies).

One morning, the sun was shining through the East facing windows and the warmth of the two of them holding each other aroused her senses (I'm not writing porn here...but I will if someone asks nice). As their intimacy level rose, she lay on top of him, expressing her love. (Do I sound like a high school chick here?). While laying on top of him, she realized that she had to pass a bit of gas. Being that they were both under the covers, and they were facing each other, she figured it would be safe and he would never know. So relaxing herself, she let one rip. IT WAS A WET ONE.

Now lets face it....we have all been there. We have all passed what we thought was gas, only to get a nasty wet surprise that demands the immediate butt clench walk to the nearest bathroom. Sort of Mother Nature's way of pissing on your sunny day.

So my friend was in a predicament here. She had 1) never passed gas in front of this new boyfriend, 2) Never performed any bowel evacuations with him in the next room...which was going to happen soon like it or not, and 3)Not yet admitted that she was a human being that can be as gross as the rest of us in front of him. She had to slowly work her way out of bed (legs crossed and butt clenched), make the minor excuse of "I have to use the restroom", and waddle her way to the bathroom down the hall (passing his roommate's door) to the bathroom.

Unfortunately in her case...the roommate was already awake and taking a shower. She waddled her way back to the bedroom, and had to admit the truth, that she needed in the bathroom NOW! When the boyfriend asked why....she shamefully admitted. He laughed and got the roommate to get out of the bathroom, thus ending any more humiliation.

I've learned from this woman's mistakes. I make an effort to fart and use the bathroom on the first date with a potential mate. This way, when the time comes, I've already done it once, and it can't be any worse than the first times. I tell my dates that they should feel flattered that I am willing to do that in front of them as it shows how comfortable I feel around them.

As my 4th or 5th father used to say (I can't remember which), always let your fart go free, because the fart had caused the death of me.