Sometimes...Even Drag can be a Drag

Saturday night I went with David to go see Lady Chablis perform at Union Station/Bounce. I'm a performer by nature, so I actually like drag shows where choreography and large scale numbers are performed. Men who dress as women, look pretty (pretty done up that is) and expect me to tip them while they lip sync to a song that is better left not sung (how many times can you listen to Tiffany and still feel good about yourself) drive me nuts.

Saturday's show tended to fall into the latter category. Where the hell was the showmanship? I paid money to see a performance, not a good tuck and ducktape job, and believe me...one queen was wearing an outfit that was actually frightening. A fat drag queen with breast implants, wearing a jeweled thong with very little covering the front. He had to tuck everything...and I just couldn't even look. Some things were not meant to be tucked. I'm assuming that eventually he is going to have it all removed. I don't want to even know.

I questioned someone who does drag once as to why someone would get dressed up, only to mouth the words while standing in place on stage. He said the point of drag was to look "FABULOUS" and not perform. I disagree as how long can you look good on stage before people just start ignoring you? It's all about stage presence. Freaking amateurs! :-)

When I was working as a financial aid administrator in Denver Colorado, I was sent information about a White Rose Scholarship, which I passed out like crazy to all of my students. Being the only gay financial aid officer in the Denver area, I was shocked to hear that the majority of my students won the scholarship ($1500 a piece). As a thank you, the students all pitched in and bought me two tickets to the Coronation event where the scholarship would be presented. HAD I KNOWN WHAT THE EVENT WAS LIKE, I WOULD HAVE TURNED DOWN THE OFFER TO GO!

My date and I rented tuxedos and took a cab to the hotel, where my students were waiting for us for a meeting at 4:00 (the time the ball opened). Quick introductions and we took seats near the stage. The organization that puts on the event is called The Imperial Court of The Rocky Mountain Empire. I feel like it should be spoken with an echo...it sounds so pretentious.

Before taking our seats, one of my students remarked that all the feet were facing the wrong direction in the stalls of the women's room. I told her to smile and get used to it as we were probably going to see a lot more. The audience was full of people straight out of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

We took our seats, the lights dimmed (at 4:30...an early show start?) and a drag queen came out to lip sync Whitney Houston's version of the Star Spangled banner. My boyfriend whispered that he had a bad feeling about this. The announcer came out and introduced the first contestant up for "coronation", who performed a great number.

I should explain...a coronation is where drag queens compete to see who will get "crowned" the next Empress of the organization. This Empress and her Emperor are head of the social service organization that does a number of fundraising, and charitable events. They do good work, but to become the Empress, you basically must win the popularity contest and the coronation is where you find out what the tallied votes were. Think beauty contest and you aren't far off.

So after the first drag queen does her performance, they start introducing the early "courts" (prior winners). At the time their were 25 prior courts, consisting of Emperor, Empress, Princess, Prince, Grand Poo Baa, Jester, Court administrator, Peasants, blah blah blah, as well as the Sub courts consisting of Wyoming, Denver, Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, Utah, Nebraska, and Iowa (25 each). They would announce each and every individual who would then have to walk down a 70' runway (Which every drag queen will tell you is intentional). According to the program, my students were to receive their awards at the end of the announcing of the courts.

It took them 7 hours to announce each and every person (which I found out later was the only people who attend this event). Imagine hearing...Introducing Empress 13, Miss. Nova Gina!...Introducing Grand Princess 17, Miss. Anne Thrope!...Introducing...Her most imperial Empress 21, Miss. Annie Manilldoo. As the night wore on (or should I say grated on my sanity) I realized I was not going to make it without drinking. Now I never liked to drink in front of my students, but this was a gay emergency. I needed vodka in mass quantities to help me make it, as the wigs and heels were only getting higher and those queens were working the runway SLOWER AND SLOWER!

I had forgotten my wallet that night. I was dressed in a tuxedo without a freaking wallet, and there was no way that any of these drag queens are going to buy me a drink as they expected I buy them drinks (for looking pretty? Puhleeze...if I wanted a woman I would have been straight). I looked to my boyfriend (who was falling asleep at the table) and asked him if he had any money...alas...he left his wallet in his apartment. We had enough for cab fare home and that was it.

They finally announced my students one at a time (who also had to walk the runway of death...what I had named it by then) around 2 in the morning. John and I left, got our cab and vowed...we would NEVER ATTEND A CORONATION AGAIN.

One of my old student's has won the scholarship several times now, and she has learned her lesson. She brings a book with her and shows up 5 hours late...and she emailed me last August to tell me that she has never once missed her turn at the runway of death.