Auditioning for the Role of Boyfriend
Realizing that I was turning into a compulsive masturbator, I decided I needed to take matters into my own hands (or should I say release matters from my hands?) and meet some potential boyfriends. That being the case, last June I participated in what has to be one of the most deplorable, reprehensible, degrading acts known to the human race, which none of my friends would join me in....so of course I'm going to share it with you. No, this wasn't an orgy, or participating in the production of a pornographic movie (but I wouldn't put it past me...I am broke), or even my working as a prostitute. This was delving into the world of SPEED DATING.
Whoever came up with this concept really needs to be shot! 90 "dateless and desperate" men show up at a predetermined spot, are put into a circle, and then spend 2 minutes getting to know each other (one minute for you to speak and one minute for the other guy to speak), before being moved onto the next person. If you like the person, you give them your number. They must take the number and say thank you. They are not allowed to give you their number in return. If they give you their number...the same rules apply. This way...nobody is rejected to their face. Instead...we just wait by the damn phone hoping that "he will call".
So I arrive, with an open mind, and right away take a mental survey of the group of people I am about to meet. This group looks a little promising, varying age ranges, sizes and shapes, all with hint of nervousness, which is understandable since this was the first time this event had be held in the area. I take my seat in the bar that was sponsoring the event and quickly order a beer, just to calm the nerves. We are explained the rules and the mating dance begins. Luckily I was assigned a chair (which will come in handy later).
When the bell rings, my first psychopath...I mean prospective boyfriend sits at the table across from me:
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Patrick: Hi! I'm Patrick. I'm 33 years old. I work at a company in town as a systems administrator during the day, and as a Stand Up comic on the side. I enjoy most athletics, as well as anything that can keep me outside. I've gone bungee jumping, skydiving, white water rafting, and I'm hoping I can find someone that enjoys trying new things. (bell rings).
Steve: Hello, I'm Steve. I'm 37. I ended a long term relationship last year and my therapist says it's time to start dating again, so here I am. (.............................. VERY ................................................................. LONG ................................................................... PAUSE ..................................). (bell rings).*******************
Patrick: Hi! I'm Patrick. I'm 33 years old. I work at a company in town as a systems administrator during the day, and as a Stand Up comic on the side. I enjoy most athletics, as well as anything that can keep me outside. I've gone bungee jumping, skydiving, white water rafting, and I'm hoping I can find someone that enjoys trying new things. (bell rings).
Bachelor: THIS IS MY CARD BOY! YOU WILL CALL ME AND SERVICE YOUR MASTER LATER!*******************
Patrick: Hi! I'm Patrick. I'm 33 years old. I'M NOT LOOKING TO BE DOMINATED! I work at a company in town as a systems administrator during the day, and as a Stand Up comic on the side. I enjoy most athletics, as well as anything that can keep me outside. I've gone bungee jumping, skydiving, white water rafting, and I want to find someone that enjoys trying new things. (bell rings).
Michael: I'm Michael. I'm 34 years old. I'm a ENT surgeon, and to be honest...I'm just not attracted to you. No offence...you're ok looking, but I really want to meet that guy over there. (bell rings).*******************
Patrick: Hi! I'm Patrick. I'm 33 years old. I'M NOT LOOKING TO BE DOMINATED! I 'm a Stand Up comic. I enjoy most athletics, as well as anything that can keep me outside. I've gone bungee jumping, skydiving, white water rafting, and I want to find someone that enjoys trying new things. (bell rings).
Rick: I'm Rick. You have got some really blue eyes. They remind me of my mom's. She's a former model for revlon (where's the damn bell?), and still keeps active by running daily (where's the damn bell?). She is allergic to cats. You don't have any cats do you? Because she could never come to your house if you did. (bell rings).*******************
Patrick: I'm Patrick and I'm 33. I'm a comic. I like new things.
Dan: I'm Dan and it sounds like your getting burned out.
Patrick: You have no idea.
Dan: I understand. Lots of creepy guys here. I'm a little tired of this myself.
Patrick: So what do you do for a living?
Dan: I work as a fireman...but I'm thinking about going back to school to be a Vet..
Patrick: That's really fascinating (hope is beginning to spring forth).
Dan: I know were not supposed to ask this, but can I have your card, as I have a boyfriend at home and I can't really take calls there. (bell rings)
One after another, the evening went like this. By the time the night was over, I had given my number to two guys, and neither ever called me (Bastards). On the other hand, I received several cards from me over the age of 60, one from a blind man who told me I smelled good, and one from the guy arranging the event, as he wanted me to attend the next one in July.
Screw that...I'm going back to masturbation.
