False Start in the Rat Race
Last night, I had a date with someone. The plan was dinner and a movie, which means the getting ready for a date ritual begins.
Patrick's Dating Prep Ritual
- Sneak out of work early...as I want maximum preparation time for the date.
- Apply cologne
- Upon home arrival, immediately change into my eating clothes (x-large sweat pants with an elastic waist band). Proceed to raid the kitchen of all carbs. Open freezer and immediately eat all ice cream.
- Apply cologne
- Turn on radio.
- Apply cologne
- Shower (using scented shower gel), shampoo, condition hair, shave unnecessary hairs "down south" (figure it out)
- Apply cologne
- Dry off, arrange hair and shave face and neck
- Apply cologne
- Realize hair is unfixable mess, go back in shower, rewash hair
- Apply cologne
- Prepare perfect hair style...glue in place with styling gel, hair glue, hair wax, and hair spray (this is why I am gay)
- Apply cologne
- Raid kitchen once again as since this is a dinner date, I don't want to seem like a hungry pig at the resturant
- Run out of cologne
- Come to conclusion that I am begining to smell like a gay bar.
- Change into date outfit.
- Examine self in mirror, realize outfit is bad. Reject outfit and change clothes.
- Examine self in mirror, realize outfit is bad. Reject outfit and change clothes.
- Examine self in mirror, realize outfit is bad. Reject outfit and change clothes.
- Examine self in mirror, realize outfit is bad. Reject outfit and change clothes.
- Examine self in mirror, realize outfit is bad. Reject outfit and change clothes.
- Examine self in mirror, realize outfit is bad. Reject outfit and change clothes.
- Examine self in mirror, realize outfit is bad. Reject outfit and change clothes.
- Examine self in mirror, realize outfit is bad. Reject outfit and change clothes.
- Run out of clothes
- Call friend and ask to borrow clothes.
- Examine first outfit again and realize that it was fine.
- Change back into first outfit. Clean bedroom of all clutter, make bed, place lighter near candles, hide porn. (just in case)
- Leave for date
Of course this was all for a moot point anyway. Just as I was ready to walk out of the house, the phone rings and he has to cancel. Alas...I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go. So I call a friend and we go out for a night of Cosmopolitans. 4 cosmopolitans later, I get home way too intoxicated (I'll never drink again) and go straight to bed.
Woke up this morning without the alarm clock going off, got up, went for a nice long walk to clear the thumpa-thumpa-boom going on in my head. Sit down in the coffee shop and after ordering my usual, I ask the coffee person where the Saturday paper is. After thinking he is kidding when he says it's Friday...I bolt out of the shop, shower and drive like a maniac to arrive at work over 2 hours late. Scary part...nobody noticed! It's so nice to feel needed.
Alarm goes off at seven
and you start up-town.
You put in your eight hours
for the powers
that have always been.
'Til it's five-pm...
"Then you go..."
Downtown
Where the folks are broke. You go
Downtown
Where your life's a joke. You go
Downtown
Where you buy a token. You go...
Home to Skid Row.
