I Totally Oulived Jesus
Well as you know by now, today is my birthday. A big happy birthday to me. Oh yeah! Everyone knows what this day means: Pabst Blue Ribbon at the Fuzzy Duck Inn. This year, I better see you there, because this isn't going to be just any birthday celebration. This year, my birthday will be a deeply meaningful almost humbling occasion. See, I've turned 34. That means I totally outlived Jesus.
You know, 33 was good. I had a pretty decent year, all in all. I started seeing a few people, I rented a house, and I solidified my position of authority in the office temp pool. But there was one thing that I couldn't say I had done, until today: outlived Jesus Christ! Well, check that into the calendar. See that circle around February 28th? See that '34' written there? In your face, Jesus!
Don't get me wrong. I'm not bad mouthing Jesus. He's our Savior and the Son of God, and He has all of those churches dedicated to him and books written about him. He did a lot of amazing things, like that walking on water business. I'm just saying there's at least one area in which the ol' J-Man failed to outpace a certain birthday boy speaking to you now!
Jesus and I have a lot in common, but we're different too. I know how to draw a crowd, but I'd rather tell my great stories from the summer I worked at the water park than talk about Adam and Eve. He liked wine; I like Pabst Blue Ribbon. What can I say. Patrick is a man of the people. At the end of the day, thought, I think my accomplishments, miracles aside, pretty much measure up to Jesus'. Jesus was a carpenter, right? Carpentry is pretty cool, but the installation of new software is cool, too. I know how to install this software into like a hundred different systems. So Jesus and I are pretty even there. And without question, I beat him, hands down, when it comes to not kicking the bucket before 34! Take that Jesus!
Oh! I didn't go too far; did I? I'm just kidding around! No disrespect intended there, young, dead Jesus.
I can kid, can't I? It's my day, after all! On my birthday, I'm like the king for a day, right? The king has come! Tonight, I'm going to score a big table for us at the duck, and we can all sit on one side, just like they did at the last supper. If it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for us old fogies, too.
I can put a little sign over my chair that says "INRI," just like the one Jesus had. No one knows what Jesus' damn sign meant, but mine will mean "I Need Ribbon Immediately!" Oh, but his sign wasn't over his favorite booth in the back, the one right by the jukebox. Nope, his sign was over his head when he died - Younger than Patrick!
Okay, fine. He died fro my sins. Well, you can bet I've made some real good ones lately. Because I figured something out a year ago today: You're only as old as Jesus once, and then you're older than Jesus for the rest of your life!
Yeah, I outlived Buddy Holly, James Dean, and now, the big one: Christ almighty, Himself! That's no small thing. I might not have done as much good in the world, but if I want to, I totally have the time! Shit, I'm probably going to live twice as long as Jesus!
Boo-ya! Burn on you, Jesus!
