Descending Into Hell
I don't often admit this, but three years ago, I committed a sin that ensures that I burn in hell for eternity. Now this sin wasn't the sin of practicing homosexuality (I'm an expert anyway). I didn't steal, murder, molest, or even blasphemy. No...I merely attending the taping of a television show in Chicago. At this point, all straight men reading this are getting pale, worried that I attended a taping of Oprah. I wish, and I still may. I don't nearly hate my gender enough yet, nor do I embrace female power and overeating enough.
My ex and I had been partying in Chicago, dancing at one of the clubs when closing time was upon us. Realizing that is was after 2 in the morning, we began the process of trying to find a cab. Getting a cab at bar closing time is the equivalent of finding $50 bucks on the ground. Of course, my Irish ass had been drinking mega cocktails all evening, and before I could come to my senses, I just walked out in traffic, while an empty cab screeched to a halt. My ex promptly got in and told the driver which hotel to take us to (never mind that it was the wrong hotel...that isn't important.) "Take me drunk, I'm home again."
Well we got out of the cab at the wrong hotel, cab drove off after we forgot to tip him, and I had fallen asleep in the cab, so I had no clue where in Chicago we were. This being said, two drunk homo's decided that the hotel must be around that area somewhere, so we just started walking. Note: Drunk = Illogical As we turn the corner, we see a long line of people, so we get in line with them. Sort of like getting in line for an amusement park ride. Once again Drunk = Illogical. Waiting in that line, we kept hearing people chanting for "Larry". I figured he's a popular guy I plan on meeting. After 30 minutes of waiting, the line starts moving. We assumed we were in line for an after hours club, and as we went in the door, we were given a card with a number on it. More than anything else, I was just happy to get inside as my bladder was going to burst, and my buzz was coming down.
For an after hours club, there was no music playing, which was odd...but who am I to complain as I at least found a bathroom. Upon returning to the main room, I found my ex, who informed me where we were. And this was my sin. We had gotten in the line to view a taping of the Jerry Springer Show. Now I guess I could have left...but everyone was so enthusiastic, and coming down from a buzz after partying all night, you just want to sit anyway.
We get seated in the audience seats and they have someone warm up the audience. This entails teaching us the hand signals for when we have to scream *shudder* "Jerry-Jerry-Jerry" (is my IQ actually lowering?). The audienced is warmed up, the taping begins and out comes the man who wants to now run for US Senate (God help us!). Now I admit, I was caught up in the moment and I was very excited to see the spawn of Satan come out on stage.
He introduced his first guest, a man who had a very unique fetish. He liked to vomit on his sexual partners. He then proceeded to show us, by puking on his dentally challenged girlfriend. It wasn't arousing at all. In fact, one of the security guys, was ill watching it. Where do they get these carnival freaks anyway?
Next guest...He and she like to do it with food. Ever seen a fat woman bath in cream corn? That's why I'm gay. I think puke guy was into it, as he saw just how much he could puke back up. All I can say is that I will never eat cream corn again. I won't even go into detail about the squash...you can just imagine.
Third guest...guy cheating on his girlfriend, with another woman. Now I am sorry, but if the Jerry Springer Show called me and said "someone want's to tell you something on the show", I'd just hang the damn phone up. I don't want to know what it is. So woman is broken hearted that her man is cheating on her, and out comes the other woman, who weighs about 350. Worst part...she feels the need to lift her dress and show her nasty ass, with all the crevices and creases. Have a little self respect....oh wait....This is the Jerry Springer Show. Is that the television remote stuck in her thigh fold?
It was then time for audience participation. One man gets up and insults the puking guy. He responds that the audience member is just fat. Audience member says "well I may be fat, but you're butt ugly, and I can lose weight." And that was when it hit me. The people in the audience were the real freaks. These people on stage were just looking to have their moment in the spotlight, and we as an audience were there to ridicule and berrate them...and I'm ashamed to say we did it.No puking guy...well I think his girlfriend wasn't mentally able to make a decision about getting puked on. In fact, she couldn't form a sentence. But for the others, who am I to knock someone for getting their jolly's doing it in bacon greese? So as we left the sound stage, I realized the lesson learned while damning my soul was "Judge not, lest ye be judged". Hard lesson to learn....huh?
