Getting Cremated!
Last night I lost my virginity...again. I had never used a tanning bed before, but since I am so white, I know that if I will blind all the people on the beach of Puerto Rico as the sunlight reflects off my white Irish skin. Anyone orbiting space would see the reflection off my pale ass. Thus my decision to go to a tanning salon.
In anticipation for the momentous occasion, I drove around the block 5 times because I didn't want anyone I know to see me go into the building. Finally gathering up my courage, I parked the car, got out and walked in the door. Actually bolted from my car to the entrance shielding my face like I was Martha Stewart on her way to sentencing is more like it. I was the only man in the place and five women were in line before me. Actually one of the people in line was a man, but he was so effeminate it was only a matter of time before his dick just fell off. Not my cup of tea.
So I wait my turn and when I finally get to the receptionist desk, this man (the receptionist) looks at me, smiles, and the most horrid thing happens. His face cracks. His skin is the texture of leather (although very brown leather), and it looks like he could use a treatment of mink oil. He seriously had to have more wrinkles on his face than on his cock. I wonder if ironing his face would help at all? Obviously the phrase "crack a smile" came from this man.
The receptionist cracked again as I explained that I was virginally challenged, and gave me a form to fill out that would help to determine how long I would have to lie in the bed. Now I wanted to say "as long as I don't look like you", but I figured I didn't want to piss this guy off in the event that he decided to zap me with enough rays to cook me.
After filling out the questionnaire, "leather face" went into the sales pitch and recommended I start out with the 20 minute beds, going only for 10 minutes and "work" my way up to the full 20 minutes. Then I can switch over to the 10 minute bed. After that point I can switch over to the high pressure beds. Got to love the sound of that...Lets put you in a pressure cooker until you're golden brown. I'm beginning to feel like a pork chop or a breast of chicken. Stick a fork in me, I'm almost done.
He leads me off to the "tanning room and explains that all I need to do is push the button on the wall when I am ready, then push the button on the bed. So I strip, put on the oil he sold me (Why do I feel like I am in need of a little salt and pepper?) push the button on the wall, then the button on the bed. WHAM!!!! I'm blinded by what seems to be the equivalent of 50 camera flashes stuck on at the same time. I've been in follow spotlights that were less blinding. The little goggles are barely covering my eyes, but I am trying to keep my eyes shut.
Creeeeeeaaaak, the lid of this electric coffin closes down encasing me in the sarcophagus of light and heat. It gets hot in there....very quickly. I begin to feel like I am being cremated. Now certain portions of the traveling spotlight have never been exposed to sunlight (or I guess I should say been tanned), so I decided to cover the giblets and gravy with one of my socks. At one point I remembered that the receptionist told me to keep my elbows out so I don't get the racing stripe down my sides. As I lifted my arm, wack...I hit the ceiling. Damn...this is what it feels like to be a corpse. I'm getting cremated for sure, so I can get dumped off a bridge, or into the ventilation shaft of a gay bar, and scattered across 100 shirtless sweaty gay men.
The lights shut off and the lid pops up, allowing me to pop out like a piece of toast out of the toaster. (side note....We call a cooked piece of beef a roast, we call a cooked piece of bread...toast, so why do we call a cooked egg and egg?) but I digress. After getting dressed, I go home, and cook dinner. I sit at the table about to eat, and my butt really hurts. I figure I must have scratched myself somehow. I've also noticed that I'm feeling really hot. Deciding to check things out with a mirror, I see that I have "bed-burned my ass". This of course goes well with my 7 inch scar. So for the next few days, I may be going up to men I don't know in hopes of getting my boo boo kissed better. You think that might get me a date?
