Can I Ride This Roller Coaster?
So in the past few weeks I've been a bit on the cryptic side regarding a certain person that has been whispering sweet somethings to me. He has called me just because, and the funny thing is that he has called me just when I was hoping for a phone call from him. It's this weird psychic connection we have going. He's called when I needed a phone call, and even sent daily e-mails to my work address. He's so sweet, and these last couple of weeks have been incredible. So why am I nervous, nay...terrified? Well we've never met in person, and he lives 3000 miles away. He understands the nature of the business I am in, and today I admitted one of my current greatest fears to him, regarding something that happened last night. Before him I had only really admitted this fear to one other person in Cleveland. Jeff, and he didn't really care since it didn't involve him.
"What was this fear" you ask? Well...it's kind of complicated. Don't ask me why I am feeling the need to share this with other people, except that by writing this out, I hope to take away some of the fear that controls me. Being a survivor of esophogeal cancer, I have significant scar tissue within my esophogus. This scar tissue is supposed to be checked every couple months by a doctor using an EGD test (Tube down the throat while I am sedated). With no real health insurance, I can't afford a $10,000 test done 4 times a year. So...I just hope for the best. Well this scar tissue causes difficulty in swallowing certain foods. Meat, starches (pasta and rice especially), thick liquids, and hot liquids. Usually I can control it by drinking a lot of water with my meals (think 8 glasses sometimes), which basically pushed the food down.
Well last night, I took a friend out for a special dinner to celebrate his birthday. At the restaurant, we were eating our meals (and I was chugging water like it was going out of style). Post dinner, I ordered a coffee, and unfortunately since I have to sip coffee, it was sticking going down. I suddenly realized the coffee was stuck pretty bad, and got up to go to the restroom. Long story short, I ended up up-chucking my dinner in the restroom. This just makes me mad for so many reasons...including that I really was mad that I wasted my money on a dinner I just up-chucked. What concerns me the most is that I could be ending my remission, and going back to an active cancer, which means some really bad news.
Well last night, he called me, and he could sense that something was wrong. I ended up telling him, and today he surprised me by saying he wished he could just kiss my throat better. Having someone, who even 3000 miles away, can make me feel that special is a shock to me. He is so special , and I look forward to hearing from him on future evenings, let alone meeting him in person.
So my head currently is a bundle of confusion between where my feelings are going with someone so far away physically, not to mention the fear of opening myself up to being vulnerable. Jeff was the last person I trusted implicitly, and his abuse created a new wall in my life. I rarely trust anyone now, and I second guess people's motives. This guy seems to be of an honorable motive, and I didn't think that existed anymore. That's what is making me the most scared. How the hell did I get on this roller coaster in the first place and why can't I just sit back and enjoy the ride?
