Marriage and Other Forms of Bondage
Notable Quote
"Time goes by so fast. People move in and out of our lives. You must never miss an opportunity to tell people what they mean to you."-Dr. Frasier Crane on the last episode of Cheers.
Today I am leaving for Pittsburgh to tape the radio spot. The script is fairly easy (just a young guy that doesn't have a clue what kind of ring to buy the woman he wants to marry). I'd love to throw a bit of comedy in this... "I've finally decided to do it. I'm going to ask her to marry me. My question is that because I'm flat broke, and I'm paying child support on my three illegitimate children, could I get away with giving her a fake diamond?" Makes me want to buy jewelry!
Of course, now that marriages are happening in MA (but only in state residents and those from states that won't ban the marriage), we homos need to learn the rules of engagement. Sounds like a war...but what marriage isn't?
Two months salary is supposed to be used for an engagement ring. Of course...at a comic's salary...I can afford a rubber band. How about for a gay marriage, I just give my betrothed a quality cock ring instead? It's just as pretty and has a secondary use as well. I'm all about functionality.
Who pays for what? Traditionally the bride and her family gets shafted having to pay for:
Wedding Gown
Headpiece & Accessories (Does she really need that Vera Wang for $6200?)
Wedding Ring for Groom
Wedding Gift for Groom(DAMN RIGHT!)
Bridesmaid Gifts (I suggest crackerjack boxes. This way they can get toy surprises)
Bridesmaid Bouquets
Grandmother Corsages
Ceremony/Reception Flowers
Alter Baskets/Arches
Canopy/Carpet
Kneeling Bench/Candleabrahs (I've got a pair of kneepads from volleyball...those will work)
Rented Items for Wedding
Rented Items for Reception
Invitations/Announcements
Wedding Programs
Napkins/Matches/Printed Items
Church Fee
Musician/Soloist
Church Janitor
Reception Hall Fee (how about we tailgate?)
Catered Reception/Professional Services
Wedding Photography
Video Photography
Orchestra/Band/DJ (radio?)
Wedding Cake
Wedding Favors
Rice Bags (better than her saddle bags)
Bridesmaid Luncheon (hello? Wendy's)
Wedding Breakfast (Krispy Kreme)
Bridal Brunch....(Christ...is that all you women do is eat?)
Father of Bride Formal Wear
Accommodations for out-of town Guests (tell them to stay home and send cash...you need it.)
The Groom and his family pay for:
Wedding Ring for Bride
Wedding Gift for Bride (ARE YOU INSANE...I JUST BOUGHT YOU A RING AT 2 MONTHS SALARY!)
Groomsmen/Usher Gifts (six packs around)
Bride's Bouquet (I picked this weed for you)
Mother's Corsages
Grandmother Corsages
Groom's Boutonniere
Groomsmen Boutonnieres
Usher's Boutonnieres
Marriage License
Clergyman/Officiant Fee
Groom's Cake (didn't we have enough cake from the 9 tier thing on the other table?)
Rehearsal Dinner (Mcdonald's anyone?)
Limousine Service
Honeymoon Arrangements (Does it really matter where we go? We aren't leaving the room.)
Gay Wedding Etiquette
So what happens in a gay marriage. Well in my gay marriage (and someday...I will get married), Prince Charming will be responsible for 99% of the following costs:
Before ceremony
day at the spa for all wedding party and guests
tanning salon bronzer treatment to insure that all wedding party looks their best.
Personal trainers for grooms to insure maximum buffness
Ceremony
Dykes on Bikes motorcade procession
open bar
drag queen wedding singer
dressing room for drag queen
matching cock rings for grooms
smelling salts and vallium for parents
tattoo artist for matching arm band tattoo
Mardi-gras beads(instead of rice)
Reception
open bar
cologne party favors
Go-Go lap dancers
DJ
whipping boy and whip for leather daddies
cigars for those who want to "butch it up"
carbohydrate free cake
party pills for those so inclined
blind security guard
Following Day T-Dance
open bar
Aspirin for headaches
protein shakes (get your head out of the gutters people)
After the wedding
honeymoon in Amsterdam
legal fees in regards to legal challenges as no other state or the federal gov will recognize this marriage.
Hmmmm...Can't we just live together?
