Fear and Self Loathing in DC

I'm not one to judge (yeah...right), but after reading this site, all my own self loathing before coming out came back to me. It was like reading my own journal from when I was 11 years old.

A short quote:

I want to have feelings to tell somebody about someday. It ticks me off that it's first nature to so many guys -- and they don't realize what they have. This is hard to explain, what I'm feeling. Kinda like I'm trapped in a straight jacket -- like everything I want -- everything God put into me -- is just sitting there under the surface, trapped and repressed.

Then, there are the times when I lay down at night and I just picture myself laying in the arms of half-naked guy. Not having sex, but just being held. It's weird, but it's sort of like this sexual dichotomy is starting to wage war inside me. Things are happening. For the first time in my life, I'm really at a loss for words to describe what it's like.

I can't understand how any organized religion can teach followers to hold themselves in such contempt. Personally, I like that I'm gay. Being gay isn't just about what I do in bed (or anywhere else for that matter), but is also about being part of a sub-culture. Go to any city, and if you see a rainbow flag hanging outside of a bar, you know it's a gay bar. And just like all cultures, there are some facets of the culture I don't agree with (Gay Republicans make as much sense to me as Jews for Jesus), but we all have gone through that same self loathing and coming out process. I don't loath myself because of my sexuality anymore. But I came out to my mom when I was 15, and to everyone else by the age of 17. I've had nearly 20 years (boy did that make me feel old) to learn to accept this about myself. I remember believing that I could change if I really tried. The thought of it being ok to be gay was out of the question, although most of that feeling came from my father.

We are bombarded with images and expected roles on a daily basis from the time we are born. Barbie and Ken, Romeo and Juliet, Husband and Wife. Try as a gay couple to register for a gay wedding at Target and you will have problems as the software asks for a bride and groom. Our gay role models consisted of Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street (please...2 guys living together for 20 years...They've got to be gay).

Kids learn quickly that the "ultimate" insult is to call someone a "fag" or that if something they do is deemed "gay", it should be stopped. Parents and teachers do not correct them. How many of you have gone through this? How many of you know someone that has? Did you tell them it's a non-issue? When you come across someone else in this struggle...will you speak up? Sometimes, just being aware that someone accepts you for who you are is all you need to know. Those of you with kids...love them unconditionally. If your religion doesn't accept your children or causes them this much strife, maybe it's time to examine your religious beliefs.

Those of you that are straight...how many of you have attended a Gay Pride Event? One of the most amazing things I witnessed was reading the signs of the straight parade watchers saying "I LOVE MY GAY SON!", "I'M PROUD OF MY GAY NEIGHBORS", "GOD MADE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE!" or those that just offered their support. Columbus Ohio had 67,000 people show up for their pride festival last year. If we really are 10% of the population, then Ohio has a huge gay population. In actuality, a lot of our straight family and friends have come to support us. I've offered to take some straight friends in the past, and the first argument I've heard was, "what if somebody thinks I'm gay?" It's a non issue. Why should we care...but we do, and that is the conundrum. Being gay is still perceived as being dirty...or wrong. It's going to take a lot of time for that to change, and so many are still resistant to that change. Thankfully my mother was completely accepting of me, and helped me though the most difficult times.

I think I'm going to call my mom and tell her thanks.


Listing of some Pride Events that are held:
Ohio
Cleveland
Columbus

Here's a fairly decent USA directory