I've Been Bad...Very Bad!

Being that I am a recovering Catholic, I still have the need to confess my sins every once in a while. But instead of going to Catholic church, I attend the gay church, the hair salon. Hell hath no fury like a hairdresser. These people are your psychotherapist, priest, and advice guru and you had better tip will.

So this it the transcript of my last confession:


In the name of the Aveda, Gucci, and Master Card, Amen.
Bless me Roberto for I have sinned. It has been 6 weeks since my last haircut.
In the past 6 weeks, I have:

1. Forgotten to moisturize, therefore encouraging wrinkles to form like a roadmap, and increasing my aging process.
   
2. Skipped the gym 4 times while also having ice cream twice last week. If I continue this bad behavior I will gain weight, which as you know is the “Mortal Sin” of the gay world.
   
3. Slept with my best friend’s boyfriend twice…Well actually once as the first time we were both drunk and it didn’t count, but the second time I was sober.
   
4. I bought knock-off cologne.
   
5. I revealed my real penis size in an Internet chat room.
   

Girrrl…I’ve got a good mind to make you turn in your gay card.

1. As soon as you walked through that door I could tell that you hadn’t been moisturizing. I’m surprised you don’t have a bird’s nest on the top of your head after waiting 6 weeks for a cut, to go with those crow’s feet around your eyes. I’ll give you the number of a plastic surgeon because no amount of moisturizer is going to wet that desert!
   
2. Gaining weight? Don’t make me have to pull an intervention on your ass. Throw that ice cream shit out and get your ass to the gym ASAP! Guys to not make passes to men with fat asses!
   
3. Sweetie…your best friend is a client of mine as well, and he at least is here every 4 weeks for confession. However, you tip better, so I’ll just tell you that you were justified in sleeping with his boyfriend. Ask him what he was doing with your boyfriend a couple of months ago?
   
4. Bitch, I thought you were wearing bug spray. Put that crap where it belongs, down the toilet, or into the hands of a straight high school boy. If you continue to use it, I won’t cut your hair.
   
5. Darling…my jaw aches at the memory of your penis size, so you have nothing to be ashamed of.
   

Now for penance, you need a deep conditioning, a color treatment to cover the gray, a new attitude to go with the fierce look I’m about to give you, and you have to buy me a cocktail tonight.