I'd like to take credit for the following piece, but this monologue was actually performed by Scott Thompson for a gay comedy show we were at. I'm using it because it cracks me up each time I see it performed, and it is that gay pride time of year.

My Advice to you!

I'd like to apologize to the gay and lesbian community for destroying our mystique. I should have just kept my mouth shut, because now we've become common. Even my mother knows what rimming is.

I liked it better before. When we lived pathetic lives in quite desperation. At least there were no freedom rings. Much like the royal family, we should never have let in the light.

It all started to go down hill during the second world war, when all those boys traipsed off to Europe and the south pacific to fall in love in foxholes and the girls stayed home Riviting Rosey! When the war ended and they returned thousands of queers knew that they weren't alone. That was the beginning of the Gay Ghetto.

Now call me old fashioned, but I just don't think queers were meant to live in ghettos. We're the raisins in raisin bran. You don't want all the raisins in one corner of the bowl.

Then came Stonewall. That's my biggest regret. When I threw that first brick, the closet door smashed and queers came streaming out like cockroaches. Now everybody wants to be queer...Except me. Now I live in the suburbs with a fat wife, and she doesn't suspect a thing. I finally feel normal. What can I say? Sneaking around and leading a double life suits me.

That's why I like Hollywood so much. Because Hollywood is the last stand of the closet. The public wants their icons heterosexual and so do I! So my advice to you, during this month of pride activities, is stay in the closet, because baby...It's cold outside. Brr.