Painting the Town Red

Don't you wish we could pick our relatives the way we pick out groceries?

My cousin, a man from Virginia, is CON-SER-VA-TIVE. Seriously, his politics would make George Bush seem liberal. And for some stupid reason, he is determined to "make a man of me" (read: Republican, "Redneck", and straight). How? He tried by teaching me how to shoot a gun.

His first child learned at the age of 5, so if she could do it, using her "itty bitty gun" (sorry...but I have no clue what type of gun it was), I could use the .44. He explained how the gun works, taught me how to release the safety, and to squeeze the handle with both hands. As I tightened my grip on the trigger and

WHAM!!!

I would be laying on the ground wondering how the hell I got there. Maybe I should be using the .22 pistol? Maybe he should have taught me how to fall down? And really...do you want to give me a gun? Have you not seen what I'm like during a "meltdown"?...and did you just call me "Faggot"?!?!?!?!?

This cousin is laid back, restful, relaxed,...what's the word I'm looking for....LAZY! Seriously, it took him 20 years to finally finish the 2 1/2 story garage he was building on his land. Can someone seriously tell me why anyone needs a garage tall enough to hold a double decker bus?

Of course...he alone is the book of knowledge on all subjects. I come from a family of bullshit artists, but this particular guy is the best. Regardless of how stupid he really is, he is the authority on everything...just ask him. If I was to bring up fellatio, I'm sure he would claim he was an authority...until he realized what the word meant.

Currently he is now in a Virginia militia, and has contacted me to recruit me into an Ohio chapter (note to self...get phone number changed). My cousin was incredibly upset after the World Trade Center attack, and in response, he read a book about Al Qaida terrorism (Terrorism for Dummy's) and he now claims to be a world authority who knows how terrorists "think". Each weekend he dresses up in army fatigues, goes out with his buddies in the woods, and practices military maneuvers. I suggested that he just go to the local leather bar, and he can practice maneuvering while drinking a cocktail.

Thankfully I realize that when Iran, Vietnam, and the Democratic party unite to take over the city of Cleveland, my overweight, underexercised, bloated headed, cousin will be willing to covertly enter the city to open up a can of "Whoop-Ass". And I have to do in return is have sex with women.

Don't you feel safe knowing this is protecting you?

Praise Allah!