A Pizza with Pepperoni and Sausage Please!

As I begin this posting, I can already tell this isn't going to be easy one. This posting is going to be a bit "heady" and being the whore of Babylon that I am, I tend to think one thing when I say "head".

Someday, Patrick, you or Bill will have to explain to me why a someone who is gay would marry and lead a double life. And HOW they could do that!
Brent~ Coptalk

Why would anyone live a double life? I've been thinking that I couldn't possibly answer this not having the frame of reference and then realized that even as "out" as I am, I lead a double life without even realizing it. I've become a member of the "GAY A" club, and it shocks me. How? Well, when I see a guy I work with, who I've seen at the bars, or from one of the gay sports leagues, I won't acknowledge that I know him. This is because I don't know if he is out at work, or who knows what they know. Being gay, we are the one minority (I hate using that word) group who can hide and not be found. Black, Hispanic, Asian...one look and you know who they are.

Even more so, gay people are the only group of people that are raised in the households of their oppressors. Our parents tell us of the day that we will meet someone of the opposite sex, find love, and get married. We'll then have children of our own and give our parents grandchildren. Even if our parents were to spend a lifetime telling us that being gay was ok, we still have music influences (how many love songs do you hear about same sex couples?), movies (how many gay movie icons?), advertisements, and books to tell us that heterosexual is normal. Look at the word "Straight" which defines heterosexual behavior. Straight sounds....easy, normal. The opposite is bent, crooked, broken. Who wants to be bent?

Now lets move it into the realm of high school (or hell as many gay people would call it). Most of us have now become aware of our sexual attractions, and have moved into the realm of wanting to date, but if you have been raised to believe that same sex attractions are immoral, incorrect, or just wrong, you begin to doubt yourself. In my own case, I remember reading the medical books which told me that same-sex attraction and experimentation were to be considered "a phase" that adolescent males go though. Well we all can agree that a 25 year phase is a bit much (although given the right guy...I wouldn't mind doing a little "experimenting."

It's during our school years that we are taught that we have roles to fill in life. The Go Fish touched on this in her "about me" page, discussing that she was bucking the tradition and NOT HAVING CHILDREN even though she has gotten married. Some of us, raised with higher self esteem, learn that it's ok to buck those traditions and roles that have been set for us. Before I came out, I hated myself. No doubts on that issue. I would have done anything to be straight. Some of my friends have "forced" themselves to be straight for years. They dated women, eventually married them, and had children with them. They were out to please everyone but themselves.

Think of it in this simplistic way. Let's say that you love eating pizza. Given the opportunity, you would eat pizza every day. You're family and friends are a bunch of health nuts however, and for 18 years, you have been telling them that you hate pizza, and they all believe you. You have your salad without dressing every day, exercise, eat right, but you still dream at night about pizza. Then one day...you walk by the pizza shop. The smell is intoxicating, and for the first time, you feel alive. You quickly run in, buy a slice, and eat it in two bites. Realizing what you have done, you run from the store, and promise to never do it again, except that for the first time in your life, you felt complete. You rationalize, and soon later...you are doing it again.

I know...a silly example...but it's not that far off. Leading a double life allows the closet case person to satisfy their sexual desires, while still maintaining the look of a "normal" lifestyle. Most of this is fear of losing the friends, family, and lives that they have set up. Brent...would you chance losing every friend and family member you know to tell the truth? Lies are sometimes just easier.

Sadly, these double-life guys usually find each other. Those of us who have come out and accepted ourselves...it's too hard to go back in the closet. Do you have any idea how many lies you have to tell just to make people believe you don't like pizza? Screw it...Yeah I eat pizza...daily...and I'm not alone in it. Their are the pizza eaters bowling and softball leagues, we have pizza cruises, and even a pizza parade every year in June (I provide the pepperoni). I am a proud Pizza eater!

Bill, Bo-B0, Rob, Toddy, Ryan, Shamus, Jesse, ...am I forgetting anything here?


Anyone else like to provide a bit of feedback? Anyone got a pizza cutter?