All Hail the King!

I am the king of first dates and all of you should bow down on your knees and service me! Last week, I went out on a first date, which in itself is not that big of a deal (I've been out on 22 first dates in the last year...5 more than the count of fathers I've had), but this date was one of the
oddest dates I've had in a while.

We had met online (or should I say that he saw my profile online and started
chatting me up?) and as those of you might remember, my last meeting of an online person was not a very good idea. What can I say?  Broken ribs are not my idea of fun.  That being said...I arranged to meet "Jerry", a doctor who works at a local hospital, for coffee and dessert. I'm not a big dessert fan, but I can't live without coffee, so I can meet someone and get my caffeine fix
in one swoop...I'm all about time management.   Two birds while getting stoned!

I showed up at the coffee shop a few minutes before the prearranged time of  7:30 pm, and ran into some friends who were sitting in the shop. I took the table next to them and spent a little time catching up while waiting Jerry to show up. By 8:30, I figured the guy decided to bail, and I was being stood up.

Too bad for him...I would have been the best he's ever had (I take my work seriously).

Well my phone rings...and he has the audacity to ask where I am! He has been waiting outside for an hour, and doesn't seem to happy about it. DID YOU EVER THINK TO GO INTO THE SHOP AND LOOK FOR ME?

After a few apologies on both sides, we found a new table, ordered some coffee (this was my third since I had been waiting an hour), and had the first date conversations....except this conversation was like pulling teeth.

"It's nice to finally meet you." I said.
"Yes."
"Do you come to this shop often"
"No."
"Oh...did you have any trouble finding parking"
"No."
"So tell me about yourself"
"What do you want to know?"
"Did you grow up in Cleveland?"
"No."

After we finished our coffee, he suggested we go for a walk. I thought it was a good idea, as maybe the walking would loosen up his tongue and I could find out a bit more about him. West Cleveland, specifically the Edgewater area, is full of old mansions, and very well to do people, so walking through the area at night is fairly safe. We (read: HE) decided that we should walk down to the beach (about 14 blocks away) in Edgewater park. Yes folks...this date was going places...specifically to the beach of Lake Erie. On the way, I tried the conversation game again.

"So Jerry...why did you choose to be a doctor?"
"Uhh...ok...I lied...I'm actually an electrician. I did the wiring at the hospital."
"oh...ok....so...uhhh...why did you decide to be an electrician Jerry?"
"Well...actually....my name isn't Jerry...It's Michael....I just go by Jerry online"

Maybe conversation wasn't the best idea. As we got to the shoreline, the winds were really picking up, and the clouds looked fairly stormy in the dark nighttime sky. The waves were crashing against the beach, and we walked along the breakwater, dodging the few waves that crashed over the rocks. I remember thinking to myself that I must be crazy for being this close to the water when the world went white. A blinding silver flash followed by the loudest noise I have ever heard in my life, confirmed that yes...lightning had just struck the ground only 50 ft away from us, and we were the tallest things around. And while trying to see past the blue image that was now burned on my retinas, the skies opened up and began pouring the entire contents of the storm clouds on our heads.

The closest shelter was 300 yards away up a fairly steep hill, which I was amazed to run up in my "good shoes". We get into the picnic shelter and I remove my shoes to dump the 2 lbs. of sand I have in them from crossing the beach. Cold, wet, lied to , and shivering...I can only hope the rain will soon stop. It doesn't. So once again, I ask Jerry/Michael to tell me
something about himself.

"Well I'm right now in the process of getting divorced. My wife and I are trying to work out a custody agreement."
"You know...I don't think the rain is going to stop....we might as well walk back in it" I countered.
I then suggested, "If we walk on the path near the water's edge we can make it faster."

The Water's Edge path is a pathway that runs at the top of a 50' hillside from the water's edge. In the day, it's a really pretty place to walk. At night during a rain storm, with no lighting...It's an accident waiting to happen. As we briskly walked along the pathway, the lake was on my right, and what's his name was on my left. He kept walking closer to me, and I kept moving further to the right. I'm sure he was trying to get "friendly", but I was not in the mood to make friends. Progressing even further to the right, my right foot slipped in the darkness and I fell
over...right...down...the...hill.

For 50', I rolled down the hill, trying to slow myself in any way that I could, as I let out a primal scream that I'm sure you all heard that night wherever you were. I rolled, bounced, and finally came to a stop...in 3' of water. Yes...I took the advice of my ex and jumped in a lake. I stood up, soaked, covered in who knows what bacteria (Lake Erie is not that clean people), and looked up the hill as I watched what's his face doubled over in laughter. Hate spewed forth from my eyes, as I walked back up the hill to the pathway. He asked if I was ok, as I began walking once again toward home. 

"I'm fine" I lied.

Upon getting near the coffee shop, what's his face complained that he had to go to the bathroom. I said the coffee shop was close, but when we arrived, they had already closed. I suggested he find a bush as I walked the additional 5 more blocks home, but he insisted that he walk with me. I insisted otherwise, and I left that man, searching for a bush, on a street corner as I went home for a hot shower. And that...my dear listeners, is why I am...the first date king. 

WHO'S NEXT?