The Game of Life
"Either you immediately get over your fears of doing something you never thought you would do or lose the game." ~Shamus
I found these words to be extremely profound. I rarely fear physical pain (hell...if I did, I'd never have run the triathlon), but I do fear the emotional pain of hurting others or getting hurt myself, and the pain of defeat. I love doing endurance sports because no matter how hard it is...I'll finish the race...even if it takes twice as long as anyone else.
Since October of 2001, I have been laid off 4 times. My income level was reduced to 1/4 what I used to make by getting a job as an office temp. In the beginning of this difficult period, I applied for jobs like crazy, only to never get interviews, or if I did, I wouldn't get an offer. This was a big surprise for me, as when I worked as a financial aid administrator, I would get recruitment calls every two months. Suddenly...nobody thought I had any skills. That changed when I was hired to work at Things Remembered, Inc. This dream job was offered, and I gladly took it. Three weeks into the job, I was laid off after the Christmas Sales figures came in. It seemed as if that year, the consumers felt that the store should have been named Things Forgotten. Back to temping, where that last summer I was laid off again, as they decided to go with a different contract firm that was charging 1/2 what I was being paid. My newest contract is until December of this year, and I know I really don't have any other option here in that I need to find full time employment, as I have tapped out all of my retirement funds, sold off all of my stocks, and have no savings left anymore. It was the kicker that had me start doing comedy in October. Well...honestly...that was one reason...but not the main one. The comedy circuit can pay decent as you get more exposure, but in the beginning, you earn grocery money, and that's about it. Still...it's grocery money.
Yet I found myself over the past few months, not even looking anymore. Not because I don't want a job, but because I was just so tired of the rejection. Leaving the world of working in academia for the corporate world is never easy, as corporate workers have no clue what the hell a financial aid officer does. When I left financial aid, I decided to never go back, and I went out on a bang. The kind of bang that forced me sign a non-disclosure statement and had me paid for several months after I left the school. The kind of bang that had colleagues from 9 states away calling me when they hear about what I did. Let's just say...I made a REAL IMPRESSION. I figured I was dying of cancer...so they could go down with me. How was I supposed to know that I would survive?
4 years later...I find myself having to admit defeat. This economy has been brutal (Politics aside...it seriously offends me that the president speaks as if the job market is great. 3000 new jobs nationwide last month? How about the 285,000 this state lost in the last two years? I'd like to see what he would say if his daughters went 4 years without a real job).
So what about the interview I was offered at OfficeMax? I've made the decision to not interview for it. I'd be working near someone who would have personal issues with my working there (we could never work together), and I'm not sure that he wouldn't work to force me out. I'd be working in way too hostile of an environment. One that would be just emotionally unhealthy.
But refusing the interview felt like tempting fate, so I swallowed my pride and applied for a job as an Assistant Director of Financial Aid at a University in the area. I more than qualify, and the work would be easy. Provided they never call the last director I worked for, I would be fine as I'm fairly sure I'm blackballed. What happens though is that I face Shamus' quote again...and the fear...the fear of becoming contented to just work the job I really never wanted and pay the bills. We spend the majority of our lives at work...shouldn't we enjoy it?
I know that some of you have been wondering if I'm ok. Yes...I'm ok. It's been a very rough week. I haven't slept much (Butch's masturbation incident has brought on a bit of insomnia), It's hitting the year anniversary of Bruce's death, and just thinking about the events of last summer has been rough. I am fine though...and slowly pushing past the fear. I think I may pull out the classifieds in the paper on Sunday.
