God Damn!

All right...It's no secret that organized religion and I aren't best of friends. In fact, after being ex-communicated in the 80's, I really haven't been back to a church. However, while sitting in the car today, listening to the news reports saying how my love life (or in my case...Lack of one) is weakening the institution of Marriage, I thought about the 10 commandments. Now I'm the first to admit...I don't even remember all of them, but I do remember that those were the things we were told we could not do. Then this made me wonder...Where would our politicians be if they actually followed these commandments?

The Ten Commandments

Exodus 20:2-17

1. I am the LORD thy God...Thou shalt have no other gods before Me. - That means that when George Bush needs help, he is only allowed to turn to God for help. Condoleezza Rice...You're fired. God's the new advisor.
   
   
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate Me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love Me, and keep My commandments. - First of all...JESUS CHRIST...COULD YOU HAVE BEEN ANY MORE WORDY? Why not just say...Worship nobody but God, damnit! That being said...The government needs to rename "Ronald Reagan National Airport" to the "We Love God Airport"
   
   
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh His name in vain. Well fuck!...That was short and to the point. Personally, I can curse like a sailor...so I'm pretty guilty of this one. Didn't George Bush call a reporter an asshole? Well technically I guess it's ok, as long as he doesn't put "God" in front of it. But ethically...he's walking a mother fucking fine assed line.
   
   
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it. Jeezy Creazy God is a wordy son of a gun. "Why not just say all work and no play...?" That being said, I believe that all secret service detail, as well as all White House Staff should be off work on Sundays. Laura...get in that kitchen and cook your own dinner. Here's $20 bucks...take a cooking class.
   
   
5. Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. So tell me Mr. Sanatorium...when's the last time you saw your mom? Will she live with you when she becomes invalid?
   
   
6. Thou shalt not kill. Ok...George, you just got bushwacked! All of those capital punishment cases you saw through, not to mention you authorized a war, wherein killing is expected. I hope you haven't been taking God's name in vain while your at it. You're fucked!
   
   
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Ahh Bill Clinton...I love you man...but letting Monica wet the one-eyed wonder worm and using a cigar on her slit is no different than pounding her poonanny. No matter what your definition of "it" is, you still dipped the wick where you shouldn't have. Keep it in you pants.
   
   
8. Thou shalt not steal. - Ok. Even our founding fathers screwed this one up. We need to give back the Black Hills to the Native Americans, as well as several states. We won't even go into all that history.
   
   
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. - Stop spreading rumors! Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction...so quit saying they did.
   
   
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. -That means be happy with what you have and shut up about it. We don't need to beat China to Mars...we've got it good on this planet right now.

But still, according to Bill Frist, and Santorium (who should be called Sanitary Napkin), my getting married will weaken the institution of marriage. Therefore a constitutional amendment should be passed, blocking me from ever walking down the aisle. Well, first...you got to find someone with a strong enough sex drive to make me want to walk down that aisle in the first place.

So ok...I'll agree with this...

IF

you agree to amend the constitution to make divorce illegal!

Think of it...how easily do you think people would get married if they knew that regardless as to how unhappy he or she made you, you are required to be with that person for the REST OF YOUR LIFE? And while we are at it...Let's make infidelity a crime punishable by life in prison (since some marriages will be that anyway). I can think of nothing that would more "strengthen" the institution of marriage.

Well I don't know about you, but all this bible thumping has worn me out. I think I'm gonna go find me an alterboy.