Money Worth Spending

Memorial day and the bar season begins. Here in Cleveland, most of us don't go outside over the winter as it gets too cold. If you want to go out to a club or bar, you need to wear too many clothes in order to stay warm for the drive, only to have to remove them in the car, before going into the club, so you can look your best. Memorial day starts a change, as everybody goes out and celebrates by wearing as little clothing as possible in the clubs. (here in Cleveland, you can expect 90+ degree weather in the summer at 90% humidity...which makes it feel as if you are moving in 120 degree weather).

The problem is that I am not 22 anymore (shhh...I'm in denial here), and my body does not take well to going out every night. Of course, that didn't stop me from trying to go out every night.

Friday: Free Drinks at Deco with Miss. Hairspray herself...SHAMPOO Shamus, who had won a contest and had $40 worth of free drinks. Drink cheap (which I can) and you can drink free all night). Shamus, being a easy one to get "three shades to the wind" wound up posing for some priceless pictures.


Shamus and the perfect man...a man who can't talk back.

Shamus and some random couple who wouldn't shut up unless I took their picture (never argue with a drunk queen).

I think he just farted. (I know...4th grade humor...but I couldn't think of a better caption)

Shamus getting a lap dance.

What did I learn from Friday? Never let the camera out of your hands and you have no incriminating evidence!


Saturday:
I spent the day pet sitting for a friend who was out of town. Now for those of you who don't know, the best way to meet a potential relationship partner is to have a prop. For straight men, push around a baby in the mall. Women will come to you like you are the only man left in the world. Gay men...borrow a friends dog. Let the dog loose in a place where lots of gay men congregate, and ta-daa! You have lots of potential dates. I let Diesel (A chocolate lab mix) loose in the park, and the pup did good. My mentality...We both deserve to get a bone.
I went out with Ann Squared (lesbian couple both named Ann) for a bit of gaming, and was in the sack at a decent hour.

Sunday:
Spent most of the writing and painting, but finished off the evening back at the local hangout of Twist with my friend David. Now something I have never understood about the Cleveland Queens here is that most of them are kissers. The more people you know...the more kisses of hello and goodbye you get. I know way too many people. In one night, I kissed a

• Jeff (volleyball and softball league, 33 years old)
  
• Jay(volleyball, 34)
  
• Rob(softball, 30)
  
• Alex(bowling, 25)
  
• Terry (just met him Friday night, 36)
  
• Ray (from the gym, 33)
  
• Tom (softball, 38)
  
• Todd (coffee shop buddy, 35)
  
• Tony (store owner, 36)
  
• What's his face (Can't remember his name, but he remembers me, age? early 30's)
  

But most fun was walking into the hallway and looking at a taller guy (who am I kidding...I'm 5'6"...everyone is taller) and realizing that I have been reading his blog for a over a month. I finally got to meet Ryan of Ryan's task. He surprised me with how much more attractive in person he is. He gave me a great joke that I will eventually use in a future posting. A pity Shamus wasn't there, as he also has been reading Ryan's site.

So here it is...the beginning of a new week, and I am already slammed. I've got way too much to do, both with work, as well as with comedy work. I've got softball practice on Tuesday night, I leave for Philadelphia on Friday, come back on Sunday and play two softball games. Add to that, I am trying to finish 6 paintings so I can sell them on e-bay and my stress level is climbing. I need a maid, a cook, a personal trainer, and a secretary.

Procrastination

Procrastination is like masturbation. In the end, you just fucked yourself.

Ok. Normally I write my posts a day in advance (usually flying through it the night before) then do some quick editing the next day. Not very good editing, as several times I will miss words, or change tenses, but this site has always been a continuous work in progress/ rant space/ sounding board for future comedy bits and my thoughts in general. Where am I going with this today? Who knows...it's Friday, everyone is on vacation already, and I am sitting here at the office wishing I could access porn to pass the time. Isn't porn such a wonderful work objective?

While working at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio (AKA.. Butt Fuck Egypt...seriously...Saturday was reserved for watching the corn grow), I used to get religious pamphlets on my work desk telling me that if I changed my ways, my soul could be saved. All I needed to do was fall down on my knees and worship. Thankfully we gay men already know how to do that. I've personally worshiped so much, my knees have calluses. In fact, I look at this picture and kind of wish I was worshiping right now, and it's a mighty long service...Uhh (are these pants tight?)...what was I saying?

Thanks to Sardonic-Bomb for the pic and whose website has provided many procrastination fantasies.

Come to think of it...masturbation is sometimes better than sex with a partner. With a partner, I have to help him out, and he may not do what I need correctly. With masturbation...either I get off, or I just give up...and I have no reason to fake it. I still have no idea why women do that!

Ladies take it from a gay man here...If you ain't had at least one...he ain't done! You tell that man to put a bib on and you don't want to hear another word from him unless it's "my tongue is tired". Of course you women do have an advantage as once you find a man who can do what you need, you can get off as many times as you want. If I was a woman, you wouldn't be able to stop me. I'd have my hand down my pants at all times of the day. Huh...I do that already...SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE IN COMMON WITH WOMEN! Girl power!

Now being single is not always what it is cracked up to be though. Try to go on a vacation when you are single. All packages are priced for double occupancy, and to go it alone, you have to pay a single supplement. Not that anyone can afford to go on vacation right now. Gas being over $2.00 a gallon, I can probably afford to drive as far as Pittsburgh. Now that's a happening vacation. The Steel City...of course...they haven't made steel in years.

So a friend suggested that I model for a porn magazine for extra cash. He says I've been sitting (literally) on my money maker and that I could make quite a bit of additional cash. Hot Toddy made a similar comment that he approved of my backside when he visited. This makes me always wonder...If I'm so good looking, why are men so afraid to approach me? A friend says I need to accentuate the positive. Does that mean I need to cut out the cheeks of my pants and walk backwards into the gay bars of Cleveland?

And I notice my friends feel the same way. No body approaches them. Why is that? I'll tell you why. We spend more time worrying what other people think of us, and not enough time loving ourselves. So tonight,I will change this. I'm planning on loving myself as many times as physically possible before I fall asleep.

Sticks and Stones

So I pissed someone off with my challenge of convincing me who to vote for yesterday as I received this anonymous e-mail.

Your so fucking stupid. All you fags want the same thing. go bakc to the sex club and catch aids! George Bush is the best thing that has ever happened to the country. Move to france where you belong.

I knew I was opening myself up for attacks here...and I fully intended to keep this civil...but let me tell you something Miss Thang. You need to turn yourself around, sit your ass down, and take out a note book as your are about to get a scholarly lesson...bitch!

Gay men were first called "FAG"'s back in the Nazi concentration camps. The word originally was used to describe two things, cigarettes and working to exhaustion. The cigarette term was where it became derogatory to call me or my gay brothers Fags (and yes...that is with a CAPITAL "F"!) When starting the Ovens for the mass extermination of the Jews, they would use kindling, of "Fag"s by strapping small pieces of wood to the gay prisoners and using them to start the ovens. So not only are you oppressing me by calling me a fag, but you are also commenting on the Jewish race.

As for the AIDS comment...honey...first of all...AIDS IS CAPITALIZED! It's the acronym for Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome and is caused by catching the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). You cannot "catch AIDS" as it is a diagnosis based on complications of contracting the HIV virus. Secondly, HIV transmission rates are highest in Africa among heterosexuals. So you really need to get your facts in order.

Don't you dare hit the close button bitch, as I am NOT through with you yet. Your lack of courage to email me with a return address has only pushed me to answer you in this public forum. You obviously don't like what I have to say. Get over it. You don't have to read it. The first amendment says I can write what I want, and as long as I am not slanderous, I am within the letter and spirit of the law.

You don't like gay people, yet you feel necessary to call us names? Why? Does it make you feel empowered? Girl...you have not seen empowering. Empowering is walking down the street, holding your boyfriend's hand as a car full of teenage boys scream out the word faggot at you. You want to call me a fag? Tell me something I don't know, like I have wrinkles in places I didn't know, or that I can get a better rate on my car insurance.

Here are a few more words and names you can call me, but guess what...I already claim them as my own!

CSF~ by Pansy Division

I'm a cocksucking faggot, a flaming faggot
A fuck bunny, fruitcake, cum superdeli, homo
Uncle Walt, Auntie Mame, little sissy pansy
Fudge-packing butt pirate, drag queen, hairdresser
Interior decorator, pervert, pornographer
Sodomite, sex fiend, mincing, limpy-wrist
Scat-nosed poof prince, a resident of Castro
And president of the united states of love
Said president of the united states of love

If you ask me to dinner you'd better feed me
Honeydew, penne pasta, goat cheese, herbal tea
Some Perrier (so you say), some quiche lorraine (so you say)
Focaccia (so you say), radicchio (so you say)
If you don't watch out this bogeyman will get you
Ooooooooh, yeah
Ooooooooh, yeah
So you say!

Offended and Insulted

Contrary to what people may think, I hadn't made my mind up about the election and who I was going to vote for. Kerry...well I don't really care for him, and I like Nader, but he has a rat's ass chance of winning. Dennis Kucinich (the vegan) is even a bit liberal hippy for me, although he was in charge when the river caught on fire in Cleveland.

I read this article Sunday morning...and I am stunned. We're in a recovery? Jobs are on the rise? Will someone please tell me...

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?

Ok...so I am trying not to get mad here...but this is difficult. I have tried doing things Bush's way. I have increased my spending and have run up my credit cards and loans in the same fashion as the US Govt. Now here I am...avoiding my telephone for fear that it is a bill collector. My bills are more than I make in a month and I see no relief in sight. I have been slowly borrowing from my retirement funds (as the govt is doing with social security), and those funds are nearly depleted. When does this end? How dare any politician determine 200,000 new jobs a success when the Cleveland area of Ohio lost that many over the last 3 years.

How dare George Bush or John Kerry have fund raiser dinners! You have job's to do, get back to fucking work. Those funds raised could be used to stimulate this economy and create a few jobs maybe? Why is George Bush charging $2000 a plate dinners? That is more than my monthly salary!

All right...too late...I am angry! Let's talk Bush, and I'm going to be fair...I'll be hitting Kerry next.

Bush Says:

• Increase spending for war but don't pay for it now...put it on credit. Eventually the economy will pick up, our tax base will get better, and we will be able to pay for it in about 20 years. Needless to say...if the general public was to do this...Bankruptcy would increase dramatically...except that now credit card companies are putting legislation through that says you can wipe credit card debt out.
  
  
• Decrease taxes on the wealthy. It isn't fair that the wealthy people of this country pay more in taxes than the families making $50k a year. Why should they have to subsidize those people? If we decrease the taxes on the wealthy, they will buy more luxury items, like Hummers (don't even get me started on these gass hogs) and Lexus vehicules (which are not fully manufactured in the USA), which will create more manufacturing jobs. The poorer classes will then buy more things stimulating the economy. And hopefully everyone will strictly buy American products.
  
  
• Decrease Business taxes. This will allow business to hire more people because they will have extra cashflow. Except that business works for the bottom line. That means businesses will put that extra cash back into the business, increasing the shareholder value, and not hire additional people. Additionally, why not outsource jobs to India? This way the company can save additional money, and pass it on to the shareholders.
  
  
• Stop abortions. Abortion is murder. It stops a beating heart. Of course...so does capital punishment...but that's ok.
  
  
• Stop Gay Marriage. Allowing gay people to marry will de-sanctify the institution as we know it. Heterosexual marriages will not mean as much (even though over 50% end in divorce). The federal gov will be required to pay social security to the gay partners (we won't say spouses), the tax base will be decreased in every state (married people don't pay real estate transfer taxes when they add a spouse to a deed) and the queers will start raising children, recruiting them into their lifestyle. (Recruiting...what's a selling point? We have no rights and everyone hates us...join us).
  

Kerry says:

• Don't take a stand on the possibility of increasing taxes, as nobody wants to pay bills anymore. The war is going bad, and people are dying.
  
  
• Raise business taxes. The corporations are sending jobs overseas, so raise their taxes to teach them a lesson. Of course, if their bottom line is affected, you can guarantee they will send more jobs overseas to cut costs.
  
  
• Pretend you aren't Catholic. The church hates you for supporting a woman's right to choose, so quit the church.
  
  
• Ignore gay marriage. The queers have been living in sin for years now...why change things? Not to mention...most people don't approve of you getting married. Two men getting it on is kind of gross. Now two women...that's another thing....hey...did you notice the war is going bad?
  
  
• Abortion?...did you notice the war is going bad?
  

Now I know that some of this is tongue in cheek...but none the less...I'm pissed off here. This is my life we are talking here. I am seriously thinking of selling myself on an hourly rate (what do prostitutes charge anyway?) to supplement the income.

However it has dawned on me...politics has nothing to do with who the individual is going to vote for, but rather how many others that individual can sway. So this is your chance! Sway me.

Tell me why I should vote for your particular candidate. I'll be civil, and I expect all of you to be. If you flame me...you are fare game to get flamed. If you flame others...I will delete your comment.

Brent, Dorothy, Mary Lou...I definitely want to hear from you, as I believe you all support Bush, as well as any others you know who might be better equipped to defend him.

Kerry Supporters...Give me a reason to vote for him besides "He's not Bush". Where does he stand? Does he stand for anything at all?

And in the meantime, Bill, marry me, I'll move to Canada, and you can spend your days working on the garden, while I work to pay the bills (I believe you have better job opportunities right now). And since our marriage wouldn't really be as good as a "real marriage", you can cheat on me with Special Guy.

Working It!

Brent over at BMW inspired me to write this post up.

While composing this list, I realize that I have had way too many jobs in my lifetime, and surprisingly no savings to show for it.

Work History

• Dishwasher (1986)- The start of my lifetime of indentured servitude and where I now rethink "If I knew then what I know now..." I worked at a Chi-Chi's restaurant, and upon going home, I would smell like a chopped onion.
  
  
• Line Cook (1986)- a job so bad that dishwashing was actually better.
  
  
• Buss Boy (1987)- First job where I got to hang with all the gay waiters. They used to take me out after work. Way too many parties later, I got fired for falling asleep during a lunch shift.
  
  
• Waiter (1987-1997)- What can I say? Once an actor...always a waiter.
  
  
• Amusement Park Ride Operator (1987)- And I never worked a day that summer without being hung over.
  
  
• Bartender(1988-1997)- One of the most fun jobs I have ever performed. Working at way too many clubs, I learned that everyone loves the bartender...and well let's just say I would have done most anyone for a tip.
  
  
• Phone Sex Operator (1990-1993) My mom found this job for me while I was in college. I was given a basic script to work off of, and incentives to keep guys on the phone for longer than 15 minutes. I learned here that I give damn good phone.
  
  
• Downhill Ski Instructor (1990-1995) My specialty was the beginners. Must of been something about seeing grown men laying down in the snow.
  
  
• Actor (1989-current)- The resume is way too long for this one, but I've been performing off and on since 89. Best show I've performed in is the Touring Production of Angels in America. Worst one was playing a reformed evangelical Christian for a church production in Colorado.
  
  
• Stand Up Comic (1990-Current)- Once again, way too many places to list, but highlights include getting taped for Comedy Central (They later edited my set out to shorten the program), performing an opening act at Caroline's, and performing nearly 50 (last count was 48, but 49 is in the works) times at the same club that made Roseanne famous.
  
  
• Financial Aid Administrator (1990-2001)- Where I learned that you fill out the FAFSA, send it off to the Central Processor, and in 4-6 weeks you receive a SAR back. This SAR has and EFC (Estimated Family Contribution) that is subtracted from the total budget for a year. All aid is based on the EFC. PELL grants are awarded to those with a 2800 or lower EFC, SEOG to those with a 1400 or lower EFC, and work study to those with an EFC less that 1000. All students can qualify for a Stafford (formally a GSL) at varying levels of 2625 for Freshman, 3500 for sophomores, 5500 for Junior and Seniors, and 10500 for Grad students.
  
  
• HIV tester/Educator (1993-1997)- Best part of that job was that I could screen out potentially slimy boyfriends. Worst part was attending the funeral of a 17 year old boy who never told his parents he was positive and therefore never got any medical treatment.
  
  
• Computer Applications Developer (2001) - Can you say layoff? Maybe that's why I don't feel bad that the company was later blamed for a 16 state blackout last year, and had to shut down a nuclear power plant for unsafe conditions. Screw those mothers!
  
  
• Office Temp(2002-current)-the job that keeps on sucking. No health insurance, no paid sick days, no vacation time off, and the company you contract with can end the contract at any time and you find out when you show up for work. Additionally, since I know enough about programming, I get trapped into doing IT work at 1/3 the pay of what I should be getting. This will come to an end soon, as I continue to search for work. Until then, I beg and plead for additional work and pay.
  
  

I'm forgetting some for sure, but I think this fairly sums it up though.

Spending Time on My Knees Fondling Balls

Take me out to the ball game!

Gay softball season has officially arrived!!!!!! Woooo Hooo. First games of the season. I'm playing on the Flowerville Wildcats! We'll decorate your house while we scratch your eyes out.

The results.
Game #1-10:00 am. Cancelled, because Ohio is still under about 3' of water in some places. Personally, I wanted to play in the mud, but that may just be the piggy in me wanting to roll around with all the gay boys. Hmmmmm...I sense a fantasy coming to mind here.

Game #2-12:20 PM. Opponent...The women with yellow shirts (I don't know their team name yet) who were last year appropiately named "The Lady Bulls". My position for the game? Catcher! We lost 8-5.

So why gay softball? Last year was the first time I picked up a bat since I was 6 years old. I had never even owned a mitt before (did you know that a mitt goes on the "wrong" hand, so you can throw the ball with your good arm?). Last season I knew I would suck (keep your comments to yourself people).

The league consists of 4 types of people.

• The frat boy types that played sports in high school while remaining closeted - those same boys did spend a lot of time showering after the games.
  
• The guys who avoided sports in school - (I'm one of them) we came out of the closet earlier...so we got laid more often.
  
• The Breeders - These people are our "straight but not narrow" group, that join teams to have fun on a league. Usually found wearing T-shirts that say "sorry boys...I eat pussy", they are supportive and do not tolerate anyone calling anyone else the "F" word. These people will also be the first to cheer on the queen who gets his first hit ever.
  
• The lesbians - The powerful force never to be reckoned with. These Womyn kick ass, and mortal men everywhere fear them. Even the smallest of them can crack a ball (NO PUN INTENDED) clear out to center field. A softball thrown by a lesbian resembles a cannon ball being shot from a cannon.
  

So as we prepared for our game, we got to watch another team "Twist-ed Sisters" (sponsored by Twist bar) consisting of 17 gay men between the ages of 24 and 37.
Eneey, Meanie, Miney, Ho!
Which of these homos do I want to blow?
Take him home and make him scream,
Half of those boys are the men in my dreams!

Once their game was finished, we were up to play. Our Umpire was Mr. "Likes Them Young". This umpire used to do everything he could to touch Jeff's legs last year. He is a great umpire to have if you are looking for a few mercy calls and have a male catcher. All you have to do is flirt with him...which I can do easily. "How do you possibly manage all those balls at one time? *giggle*" Of course...sticking my ass out with the umpire behind me might have helped. He called a few balls strikes, and I kept asking for his advice. And yes...he told me he likes to see me squat. (I need a shower now...I feel dirty.)

Post game, sat around at the local bar and spoke to the Twist-ed Sisters. For those of you who don't know, get 15 gay men who are friends together, and it is a lot like Sex in the City. These team has switched partners more often than Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery! The majority of the team has slept with someone else on the team, and as the beer was flowing, the catty remarks started coming forth.

• "Mary...its been so long since you had sex that if you put a piece of coal up there you'd get a diamond back!"
  
• "Girllll...you need some heavier shoes to keep your legs out of the air"
  
• "You think I have nice legs? You should see when they are wrapped around your waist" (ok...I said that one)
  

I love just watching those interactions, and every once in a while participating in them. People who know me can attest, I am a shameless flirt. And my flirtations combined with alcohol have created stories that people will talk about for years (my last ski trip, the 18 year old boy, the tequila night of hell), but I am promising this.

I will not have sex with anyone on the league this summer. Wait...that's a lot of people...and a long season. How about, I will not have sex with 1/2 the league for the summer (thus eliminating all the lesbians and straight people), or anyone on my current team.

You know...that really isn't a good idea either. We do have a cute new guy who doesn't know any of my flirtation stories...

I'm Such a Tramp!

Va-Va-Voom! You're inner Bombshell is Mae West.
You've definitly got a lot of wit, a lot of
smarts, and you know how to use people to your
advantage. Ever heard the phrase "doesn't
take any crap from anybody"? Well that's
you! Just like Mae you never want to settle
down, and can't imagine being with just one man
for the rest of your life. You don't care about
conventions and have no filter from your brain
to you mouth. Check out the movie "She
Done Him Wrong" to see your inner
bombshell in all her voluptuous glory!


Who is your inner bombshell?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ripe for the Picking!

I came up with this idea a month ago, but just haven't had the discipline to write this up until today. So here it goes.

Sex is a lot like fresh air, you can never get enough fresh air, and I like to breath deeply! However...sometimes you just have to breath alone. I have noticed that the less sex I am having...the more preoccupied with it I become. It's that preoccupation that first made me think of this event.

My boyfriend and I had recently begun dating and after waiting the proper amount of time, it was time for us to have sex. Now in straight relationships, I believe the proper time to wait until having sex is about three weeks. In gay relationships...well we wait for last call at the bar.

We had the perfect date: A dinner consisting of a tossed salad, steamed vegetables, a low calorie boiled chicken breast, and to drink? What could only be considered a bottle's worth of vodka martinis. And during that last cosmopolitan, as I looked into his smoldering eyes, it was then that I knew it was possible to "love" this man. Ahhhh...who am I kidding? We just met. Lets go back to my place and fuck! uh...I mean make love!

Back at his place, he took me in his arms, and I asked him, "What's your name again?" He smiled and said his name was Tom, or Dick, or Harry (I had had 3 cosmos people!)...or maybe it was just Harry Dick? Well his name wasn't important anyway. What was important was our love for each other, and how our two souls, who had found each other when he asked if the only unoccupied seat in the bar (which was next to me) was available, were about to become one. While he kissed me, thoughts of china patterns danced in my head (while something else danced in my pants).

He seductively took his shirt off, showing his defined arms, and just a small trace amount of chest hair. Feeling the burning heat from this Man-God's chest, I began to slowly kiss the soft part of his neck while listening intently to the soft moans of encouragement. In an instant, he was unbuckling his pants and dropping them to the floor. He kicked them off, said "follow me" (which I was more than ready to do), and turned to walk towards the bedroom.

It was then that I saw it. He had a Butt Zit!

In my head, the china pattern had been discontinued. He turned to face me, diverting my gaze from the tiny red pencil eraser sized bump on his ass, and put his arms around me once again. Suddenly his skin seemed a bit colder to me, but as he kissed me, the romantic music once again began to play in my head. He slowly began removing my shirt, and as he did, I ran my hands down his backside until...I accidentally touched the pimple. It was ripe for harvest, and it felt huge. Had it actually grown in the two minutes since I last saw it? Realizing that I hadn't moved in about a minute, he asked if I was ok. "I need to use the bathroom".

In the harsh glare of the bathroom lighting, I swear I could hear his zit calling me. "Pop me...pop me...pop me" was being spoken from his ass (and unfortunately it was the pimple saying this). I planned my course of action, and decided avoidance was the best option. I just would avoid going anywhere near the area.

I entered the bedroom and saw that beautiful Harry Dick...or uh...whatever his name was...stretched out across the bed, waiting patiently for me. He rolled to his side and reached for the lamp to dim the lights, and I once again made eye contact with it. I shall call that pimple Melvin, who was now the size of a matchbox car...and was pulsating. I joined what's his name and Melvin on the bed, and once again was within touching distance of Melvin. As I lay on my side, I noticed that Melvin was rearing his ugly head and casting a shadow on the wall. Melvin was not letting me concentrate on the task that was literally in my hand.

Avoidance was not working...it was time for a tactical assault. I rolled on my back, and what's his face rolled on top of me, kissing me passionately. I ran my hands down his buttocks, and had lost Melvin. I didn't know he could move. Where the hell was he? As I continued to search, what's his face seemed to enjoy my quest to find him. I was actually playing hide and seek with a pimple. Any worse and it would have been like reading brail. I moaned in frustration, and he moaned in pleasure...whatever buddy...I've got work to do. I found the now Softball sized Melvin, hiding on the right cheek, and before he could hide, I pushed both my hands together, hoping to destroy him. What's his name let out a yell!

"Ouch...You pinched me!"
"oh...sorry...yeah...I kinda get into that...you didn't like it?" I innocently answered.
"not really"
"oh...ok..."

Melvin laughed in mockery. He had now grown to the size of a whipped cream pie, and even though I couldn't see him...I could hear him laughing. What's his name began to get more passionate as he asked me to caress his ass once again. I tentatively ran my fingers across what could now only be described as something that resembled Mount Saint Helen. With each kiss of what's his face, I could hear Melvin breathing...and taunting me.

"Ohhhh" what's his face said to me..
"Get off me" I screamed, as I rolled him off of me, and began getting dressed. "This isn't going to work. You have a pimple the size of Uganda on your ass, and I can't take this."

And with that...I left...a ship looking to find another to pass in the night...preferably...a submarine with a good hull.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

Billy, over at Peaeye has finally discovered the truth to the age old question. I commend him for his research capabilities.

Click for the question and the answer!

Marriage and Other Forms of Bondage

Notable Quote

"Time goes by so fast. People move in and out of our lives. You must never miss an opportunity to tell people what they mean to you."

-Dr. Frasier Crane on the last episode of Cheers.


Today I am leaving for Pittsburgh to tape the radio spot. The script is fairly easy (just a young guy that doesn't have a clue what kind of ring to buy the woman he wants to marry). I'd love to throw a bit of comedy in this... "I've finally decided to do it. I'm going to ask her to marry me. My question is that because I'm flat broke, and I'm paying child support on my three illegitimate children, could I get away with giving her a fake diamond?" Makes me want to buy jewelry!

Of course, now that marriages are happening in MA (but only in state residents and those from states that won't ban the marriage), we homos need to learn the rules of engagement. Sounds like a war...but what marriage isn't?
Two months salary is supposed to be used for an engagement ring. Of course...at a comic's salary...I can afford a rubber band. How about for a gay marriage, I just give my betrothed a quality cock ring instead? It's just as pretty and has a secondary use as well. I'm all about functionality.


Who pays for what? Traditionally the bride and her family gets shafted having to pay for:
Wedding Gown
Headpiece & Accessories (Does she really need that Vera Wang for $6200?)
Wedding Ring for Groom
Wedding Gift for Groom(DAMN RIGHT!)
Bridesmaid Gifts (I suggest crackerjack boxes. This way they can get toy surprises)
Bridesmaid Bouquets
Grandmother Corsages
Ceremony/Reception Flowers
Alter Baskets/Arches
Canopy/Carpet
Kneeling Bench/Candleabrahs (I've got a pair of kneepads from volleyball...those will work)
Rented Items for Wedding
Rented Items for Reception
Invitations/Announcements
Wedding Programs
Napkins/Matches/Printed Items
Church Fee
Musician/Soloist
Church Janitor
Reception Hall Fee (how about we tailgate?)
Catered Reception/Professional Services
Wedding Photography
Video Photography
Orchestra/Band/DJ (radio?)
Wedding Cake
Wedding Favors
Rice Bags (better than her saddle bags)
Bridesmaid Luncheon (hello? Wendy's)
Wedding Breakfast (Krispy Kreme)
Bridal Brunch....(Christ...is that all you women do is eat?)
Father of Bride Formal Wear
Accommodations for out-of town Guests (tell them to stay home and send cash...you need it.)

The Groom and his family pay for:
Wedding Ring for Bride
Wedding Gift for Bride (ARE YOU INSANE...I JUST BOUGHT YOU A RING AT 2 MONTHS SALARY!)
Groomsmen/Usher Gifts (six packs around)
Bride's Bouquet (I picked this weed for you)
Mother's Corsages
Grandmother Corsages
Groom's Boutonniere
Groomsmen Boutonnieres
Usher's Boutonnieres
Marriage License
Clergyman/Officiant Fee
Groom's Cake (didn't we have enough cake from the 9 tier thing on the other table?)
Rehearsal Dinner (Mcdonald's anyone?)
Limousine Service
Honeymoon Arrangements (Does it really matter where we go? We aren't leaving the room.)

Gay Wedding Etiquette

So what happens in a gay marriage. Well in my gay marriage (and someday...I will get married), Prince Charming will be responsible for 99% of the following costs:

Before ceremony
day at the spa for all wedding party and guests
tanning salon bronzer treatment to insure that all wedding party looks their best.
Personal trainers for grooms to insure maximum buffness

Ceremony
Dykes on Bikes motorcade procession
open bar
drag queen wedding singer
dressing room for drag queen
matching cock rings for grooms
smelling salts and vallium for parents
tattoo artist for matching arm band tattoo
Mardi-gras beads(instead of rice)

Reception
open bar
cologne party favors
Go-Go lap dancers
DJ
whipping boy and whip for leather daddies
cigars for those who want to "butch it up"
carbohydrate free cake
party pills for those so inclined
blind security guard

Following Day T-Dance
open bar
Aspirin for headaches
protein shakes (get your head out of the gutters people)

After the wedding
honeymoon in Amsterdam
legal fees in regards to legal challenges as no other state or the federal gov will recognize this marriage.


Hmmmm...Can't we just live together?

Cedar Point Pictures

I finally got my pictures developed from going to Cedar Point...both times, so I thought I'd post some of them. Click on them for the large version.


Todd in front of the Gemini

Figures my favorite ride is closed!

Hot Toddy in line for the Raptor

JP and I

The starting point for Top Thrill Dragster
This ride is nuts. It blasts you off from the starting poing and within 200 feet you have reached a speed of 120 mph. The thing then climbs 420 straight up, before coming back to the ground at the same speed STRAIGHT DOWN

Once I get permission from Shamus and Holly, I'll post pictures from our drunken escapade last Friday.

Ch-Ch-Ch- Changes!

With blogger giving us all these new options, I just felt the need to make my own changes. I'm not sure if I will keep this look, but it's a start for me. Of course, changing this blog is so much easier than changing my life.

Got the message that my rent is going to be raised by $12. Not a big raise, but on my limited income, it makes me wonder if maybe it's time to up an move to a new city with better job prospects. Most of my Comedy bookings are in the Chicago and New York markets, so it would make sense to move to one of those cities, but I keep holding onto something here. I'm just not sure what it is.

Of course, this wonderlust could just be me getting my period. :-)


BY THE WAY...

I EXPECT FEEDBACK!

The Real World

If Doris Day could have gotten her head out of the clouds, her damn song would have been more like this.

When I was just a little brat,
I asked my mom, What will I be?
Will I be pretty? Married and rich?
Here's what she said to me:

Que Sera Sera,
Forever in debt you'll be;
Your man on a cheating spree
Que Sera Sera,
Life can just suck, you will see.

When I grew up and came out to the world,
I asked my friends, what lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?
Here's what those bitter jaded queens said:

Que Sera Sera,
In Boston we'll get married;
The far right will fight, you'll see
Que Sera Sera,
Bitter you will be

Now I have issues of my own
As I soon approach my middle age.
Should I have had kids? Who will change my Depends?
Are we just screwed in the end (don't knock it until you try it).

Que Sera Sera,
In one state we can get married;
To the courts we will challenge you'll see
Que Sera Sera,
Will we stay married?

May 17th is going to go down in history as the anniversaries of both the legalization of gay marriage and the Brown vs. Board of Education case. Both involve civil rights...so we'll see where this goes next.

Going Public

Obviously I scared some of you in yesterday's post. It wasn't my intention, but rather just something I had to put to paper, sort of a release from something that had a hold of me. As a writer, I've found that sometimes you need respond to the ghosts that haunt you. In my case, it was a big haunting...but I'm not afraid of them anymore.

When I first started this blog last year, my intention was to make it an online journal, and keep it private. The reason why I started it was because I could type faster than I could hand write, and I spent nearly every single day on the computer, so it was easy to keep up with this.

And keeping it private was fairly easy. Nobody was told about it, including the most instrumental people in my life. I was getting what I needed out of it, and nobody was ever hurt from it.

However, something changed over the summer, when my old agent contacted me, saying that she had been reading my website. I hadn't gone public with this in any way, but I was googled as "Patrick Doyle Comic", and she found it. As for my old agent, well she was looking to see if I was still doing comedy, as I made her some money when I was at my best.

She was the one who suggested I go public with this, and I'm not sure if I regret it or not. I've met some incredible bloggers, and have exposed myself to the viewpoints I may not have considered (Dorothy and Brent...it will be a cold day in Hell before I vote for Bush). But people I wouldn't trust further than I can throw have been reading this site as well. Those same people have misinterpreted my words, or in the case of one person, specifically thought I was writing about her (contrary to what you think...you're not THAT special).

I've had people request that I not write about them, which has never been a problem and when asked I give them that courtesy. This blog isn't about them, but rather me, the things I see in life, and the people and events that have made an impact.

Somewhere along the time of inception, this blog became less about me, and more about my audience (and at over 200 hits a day...you are a large audience). I began to self censor. I deleted old potentially offensive posts, and tried to make sure that anything I wrote couldn't be considered offensive by those that read this. And...well it wasn't as fun.

If I don't censor myself on stage (and I don't),why should I censor myself on this site. Onstage, my performance is just that...a performance. I laugh, I hit on the serious subjects, and through it all, I keep it true to my own feelings and observations. I've told my most humiliating experiences, and laughed with an audience about them, and that laughter has made those experiences less painful.

And that was I think why I wrote what I did yesterday. It was time to get off my chest something that has been there for a very long time. Will it go away...probably not, but it was something I was tired of being ashamed of, and more importantly, something I was finished letting have power over me.

---

On a lighter note (see...I'm not all doom and gloom...yeah...right), I am in the works of getting a radio commercial for a Pittsburgh Jewelry store. My last radio spot was for the Shane Company in Denver Colorado. For some reason, I must sound like the guy who is ready to get married. If all goes well, this could pay for my living room sofa I've been trying to get.

Who Let The Dog Out?

OK...WARNING...THIS ISN'T A COMIC POSTING...SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ SOMETHING HEAVY...SKIP THIS!

Early last week I received a constructive bit of criticism that can be taken a number of ways, and I've been thinking about it today. Part of the reason I've been thinking it is because Hot Toddy has been reflecting on what people think of him and his actions, part of it has to do with my own self reflections, but the part that hit home the hardest was reading about the boy in Brent's Blog.

In the email I received, it was pointed out to me (and I'm paraphrasing here) that I have anger and forgiveness issues. That I am like a cornered pit bull dog who once attacked or hurt, I will lash out and never let go of who or what hurt me. That I tend to be spiteful and revengeful. Is it true? Maybe…I don't know.

I never talk about my birth father, because he was probably the most sadistic man I have ever known. The scars he gave me (both physical and emotional) are something that I had buried for years and only in the last year reopened and not by choice. Brent writes about seeing the child with a split lip that his father gave him, and I remember being that boy. My dad used to put his cigar out on my thumbs as a punishment, and to this day, I still pick at the skin as if I was picking off scars.

In my life, I had to live in foster care 3 different times, because children's protective services found enough evidence of abuse. Being in foster care puts you in a new kind of hell, and you quickly learn when abused, you at least can be home if you bury the hurt and evidence. But now at the age of 34, the hurt has come back from where I buried it…with a vengeance.

My father has been dead for 15 years, and I still wake up at nights sometimes and can hear his voice. That never goes away. Thus I search for some type of closure…which really can't happen the way I would want it. It's ironic that the person I need to tell off most, isn't alive anymore for me to do it. And this whole "write a letter", or "visit his grave" (I don't even know where it is) crap just doesn't seem to do it for me.

Brent said in his post that he wasn't able to control his actions that day, and had the other officers not been there, he may have been guilty of brutality. I can understand that mentality, and if someone puts me or those I care for in that cornered situation, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't do the same.

Someone said to me that you learn the real lessons from being hurt, but I learned to avoid getting hurt at all costs, and the one time it happened since being on my own, well, it felt like I was a cornered animal. Maybe that does make me a bit of a pit bull, but I would prefer to be a pit bull instead of a push over.

Step 1: Admitting I Have a Problem

I am officially admitting this now...I have a problem...nay an addiction to amusement parks. I can't get enough, and yes...you could call me insatiable, but that would have nothing to do with amusement parks.

In the past 4 days I have been to Cedar Point twice (thus why I didn't post yesterday), and if all goes well, I'll be heading back to that park within the next seven days for a third trip this season. Insatiable! Now what am I like at an amusment park? Imagine a small child who has just eaten all the halloween candy in one sitting and washed the entire amount down with a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi. Few people can keep up with me. Even Shamus has had to say "STOP...WE NEED TO EAT!" I have gone an entire day without food or drink because I couldn't stop. But I'm not sure what it is that makes me strap myself into these machines of death. Is it the straps binding me in, as young college age boys check to make sure I'm secure? (and really...does anyone think just how hung over some of those ride operators are as they are strapping you into the seat?) I'll have to explore why I do this as I continue to visit the park.

Taking Hot Toddy on Sunday, I had to control myself a little, as I didn't know his tolerence or energy levels for amusment parks. We got to the park at 11ish and entered the gates after noon, as it took over an hour to finally got my season pass picture (I had to do my hair). In less than eight hours (the park closed at 8) we rode like madmen, only repeating one ride the whole day.

Two days later, my ex drives up here and stops for a day at the park before he goes to Wisconsin for his new job. Now with my ex, I show little mercy at amusement parks as he knows what I am like at the park. That, and after some of the hell he put me through in the past, he deserves to go through a little of his own.

Ride Chart for Cedar Point

Ride Name (links to pictures)	Visit 5/9/04	Visit 5/12/04
Antique Cars
Blue Streak	X
Cadillac Cars
Calypso
Cedar Creek Mine Ride	X	X
Cedar Downs Racing Derby
Cedar Point & Lake Erie Railroad
Chaos
Corkscrew		X
Demon Drop	X
Disaster Transport
Dodgem
Gemini	X	X
Giant Wheel
Iron Dragon		X
Magnum XL-200	X	X
Mantis	X	X
Matterhorn
Mean Streak	X	X
Midway Carousel
Millennium Force	X	X
Monster		X
Ocean Motion
Paddlewheel Excursions
Power Tower (Space Shot)		X
Power Tower (Turbo Drop)	X	X
Raptor	X	X
Scrambler
Sky Ride
Snake River Falls		X
Space Spiral
Super Himalaya
Thunder Canyon		X
Top Thrill Dragster	X	X
Troika
Turnpike Cars
Wave Swinger
White Water Landing	X	X
Wicked Twister		X
Wildcat		X
Witches' Wheel

Shut Yo' Mouth!

I figured everyone is wondering how last weekend went with my meeting Hot Toddy (at least I figure this is the case since I've been getting emails asking). Well...Let's put the weekend in review based on different quotes I heard.

1. FUCK ME, FUCK ME, FUCK ME!!!!~spoken by me on Friday night when I hit another Cleveland pothole. This pothole bent my passenger tire rim over 4 inches, and I had to get the car towed...AGAIN
   
2. Sometimes an inch makes all the difference ~ Spoken by Todd after comparing his experience to that of Shamus' experience of riding the Mantis at Cedar Point.
   
3. I keep smacking my head into your dick ~ Spoken by Todd each time he walked into the "dildo art" I have hanging from my ceiling.
   
4. I'm a little nervous to ride something so big ~ Spoken by Todd, while looking at the Top Thrill Dragster Ride. Get your mind out of the gutters people.
   
5. Just how big are you? ~ spoken to Todd from a random bar patron who realized that Todd was a foot taller than me.
   
6. Now let me tell you somethin Miss Thang. Just because he put his dick inside you does not mean you owe him a damn thing! ~ Spoken by me to Todd in the presence of some random women who were rudely listening to our conversation.
   

For those of you who are wondering, Todd did leave yesterday afternoon, but his flight was delayed for so long because of weather issues that he missed his connecting flight and was stuck in the Chicago Airport overnight. Hopefully he will get home sometime today.

Having a Quicky

I'm just posting a short post today, since I have company in from out of town.

I feel a little bad right now. Last night, Hot Toddy flew in from Portland, and we met in person for the first time...and of course, I had to work today, so he's been just hanging out (not out of pant...get your minds out of the gutter!). Yesterday...the weather was bright, sunny, and 80 degrees, and it turned into a sheetless sleeping night. Today...it's 50 degrees, and poor Toddy is been so bored he's hit the local bar where he has been drinking $2 gin and tonics. By the time I see him after work, he should be in nice slurring fashion. Hmmm...Mabe I can get a few shots and catch up with him.

Bad Credit? Get Refinanced Today!

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Our loan application is very simple (we have paperless application...we don't want no paper...and really...who wants to keep track of all that pesky paper anyways) and the only information required is the names and addresses of your immediate family members, the name of who you work for, and a promise to pay on time.

And the best part of Di Fronzo's fincancing...you don't even have to send in a payment. Because you are our customer, and could have gone to any alternative financing, we come to you! And if for some reason you are unable to pay on time, we will charge you a small one time fee of only 55% of the principle + accrued interest + fees. Hard to undersand? We know...and we're sure you won't have any problem paying the money back, so we're not gonna bother explainin it. Capice?

So go online right now, and contact Di Fronzo's financing at www.cementshoes.com, and tell 'em you're looking for Funny Boy. We'll be waiting!

Three Questions

I'm getting this from Dorothy, who got this from Joe, who got it from someone else (I'm not researching any further than Joe...but feel free to take off where I left off. Let me know and I will post the links back to the creator of this idea.

3 Questions

I want everyone and anyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want and I will truthfully answer it. Then, I want you to go to your blog, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

---

Questions Posted by The Executive.
1. What was the last book you read?

Non-Fiction:The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Fiction: The Night Listener by Armistad Maupin
Drama: The Cherry Orchard by Anton Checkov

2. Where was the craziest place you've ever had sex?

Hmmm...well how about I answer that after Hot Toddy visits this weekend? Something about a log flume and seats you straddle...or maybe a tanning bed?

3. Paper, or plastic?

Plastic...reusable, strong, and you can get them wet!

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Questions Posted by The Other Brian.

1. In conversations, do you tend to listen or talk more?

Cool question. I tend to be a 60% listener and 40% talker. I like to hear about the other person and find our commonalities. I also find by listening more, I can benefit from their experiences.

2. Would you like to be famous?

Had you asked me back in '94, my answer would be completely different than it is now. Back then, my career was taking off, I was getting enough bookings that I was only able to work a part time job. I had to drop out of college twice because I was cast on touring productions and went on a 5 month comedy club tour. I attended every public event I could to self promote. My agent would tell me where to be, and who to be seen with, and I'd do it without question. You do get a thrill to be out at dinner and get an autograph request.

I quit the business when my ex couldn't take being married to both me and the entertainment business. He got tired of the late hours, the constant traveling, and the constant promotion, and at the time, I was willing to give it up for him. (call me young and stupid)

I got back into it this past year because I knew it was a big part of my life that was missing something. I find it Ironic that someone that broke my heart was the person I can now credit as pushing me to get back in the business. I've done filmed shows, commercial work, and traditional theater...but I find now that I could be completely unpaid and never recognized, and be very happy. I do it now only because I love it so much and I can't see doing anything else.

3. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

My mother...I'm kidding...I really don't see anything that is too serious. All comedy is based out of some tragedy. Some of my best material comes from some of my most embarrassing moments (dating women, first dates, men who suck...or won't)
Of course, some comics can't do all material. I can't do racial material, as I am as white as they come. It mostly comes down to knowing your audience.

---

Questions Posted by Scott.
1. How do you cook a hard-boiled egg?

I guess I could say stick it up my butt for 10 minutes...but that may be too inappropriate.

1. So I guess boil them in water for 30 minutes, while watching a porn movie.
2. Take pot off stove and place hot eggs in ice water.
3. Masturbate to final sequence (money shot) of porn.
4. wash hands
5. peel eggs and eat.

Let me know if you want to come over for dinner.

2. What's the best thing about living in Cleveland?

The $129 round trip airfare to New York City.

3. Spit or swallow?

Depends on if the milk is sour.

---

Questions Posted by Hot Toddy.
1. Favorite Wine?

Depends on the weather. I love a good Merlot in the winter. When the weather is hot and amorous, champagne with chocolate covered strawberries is a great decadance, especially when served on a hot chest. (did I just say that outloud?)

2. Favorite Color?

A colbalt blue, or a deep green, both which make me relax.

3. If someone were to give you a massage, would you prefer scented or unscented massage oil. If scented, which scent turns you on?

Scented is always nice. I personally like most any scent that isn't Pacholi (AKA dirty hippy!). Point if you can get pheromone scented.

---

Questions Posted by Shamus.

1) What is your favorite drink? Alcoholic & non

• Alcoholic - Grey Goose Orange Cosmopolitans
• Non alcoholic Bud Light
• Exotic - Creme of Some Young Guy

2) What is your favorite position?

It depends on where the camera is.

3) When did you do your first standup?

Well that was a good position! I first did stand-up comedy when I was 20. I was pursuing my undergraduate degree and my faculty advisors were pushing me to do more comedy roles as I have a great sense of timing (which can help with question number 2). I did one show on a whim, and was immediately cast in a touring production, thus I didn't do another standup show for 1 1/2 years

---

Questions Posted by Paul.

1. If you could choose out of these three Shakespearean characters which would you be: a) Lady MacBeth b) Hamlet c) Puck?

to actually be...well that would have to be Puck. He is the trickster, but means no true harm. I've played the character already though, so I would like to perform the character of Lady Macbeth, who goes through an incredible change from muderous planning to sheer madness from guilt.

2. What is the square root of the following numbers 43046721, 6561, 81, 9? And yes I made this one easy and gave you the answers.

Math? I was a theater major and I don't eat meat because I'm a Veterinarian~giggle~. No seriously...the answers are -3. Right?

3. Who is your idol in the world of comedy?

Lucy Ball, Robin Williams, Jim Carey, and Carol Burnette. Of course...I've slept with...Oops...I mean I'd sleep with Rob Nash in a heartbeat.

---

Questions Posted by Dorothy.

1. I think you would be a great brother! If you could pick one person, famous/non famous to be your brother or sister, who would it be and why?

This is a fun question!

• Famous brother -Well if we were in West Virginia, I could sleep with him, so I'd say Brad Pitt
• Not famous brother - tie between Bill from Bilboard, and Brent from Coptalk who both just seem to "get" me.
• Famous sister - Jessica Simpson...just so I could get close to her husband!
• Not famous sister - CJ, who regardless how sick she is, always has kind words for others.

2. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I'd make myself a bit more driven. Like Mary Lou, I can start several projects, but have a hard time finishing them. I'd like to have a much

3. Have you ever stolen anything?

Besides a few men's hearts? Unfortunately yes. When I was waiting on tables back in '89, I worked at a resaurant where we were given a $30 register that we could use as our own register. One of the waiters I hated, put his down, and forgot about it. At the end of the night, he had to turn in his money, and his register, but since I had stolen it...he had to take that our of his tips. Well now I feel guilty.

Well I wonder who this is?

I'll have to show up at the airport and find out.

Sweat Fetish - m4m - 37



I saw you running around the lake wearing your Crest white strips. You are cute. Can I lick the sweat off you after you run? I'll meet you at the airport next Thursday if you're interested.

Don't F*ck With Me Fellas!!!

I'm back in town, exhausted, and ready to do a little ranting about a few things...so bear with me.



I just feel like using this space to get a few random thoughts out, similar to what Aithne did the other day. So if you aren't in the mood to read this, then run away...far away.

Atlanta
The Atlanta show went fine, but unfortunately, I was so damn tired I spent the majority of my free time just trying to get some sleep. I know, I should have gone out...but damnit people...I'm a bit tired recently, and you will see in a later section as to why. So my entire weekend was spent for the most part sleeping and speaking to wactors (wanna be actors). Most interesting question asked of me: "What is the biggest professional mistake you have made as a performer?"

Getting My Actor's Equity Card
This is probably my worst mistake I made as a performer, and I know that I am not alone in this thought. I actually admitted this in front of all the theater students and watched a few professors wince. I am a union actor. Equity actors get to audition for roles a few days before non-equity actors get to audition. We get a standard 8 hour day for rehearsals and if we go longer, we get paid extra. We get paid breaks. Sounds good huh? We also get royally screwed!

Before I was equity, I could audition for roles from ages of 20 to 60 (stage makeup is amazing), but now, I am corn holed into only auditioning for roles in my age range. Add to that that I can not perform in a non-equity role (which is the majority around here) without getting fined, and really the benefits are extremely outweighed. All that for the health insurance...well you have to have earned so much money...and have worked so many weeks before you can get health benefits. You are better off just purchasing your own insurance.

Paxil Withdrawals

As of Friday, I took my final dose of Paxil. I went on the stuff after the list of bad things that had happened to me threatened to topple what weak foundation I had at the time. Bruce dying, Getting laid off, Jeff ending his friendship with me because he found a boyfriend (ask me and I'll give you his address so you can toss eggs at him...I'm feeling bitchy!), and then getting beaten up and the world just overwhelmed me.

Thus I signed up for a medical study, became a guinea pig, and started taking Paxil by the wee fistful. It took the edge off and ladies and bottoms...you want your man on this stuff, because it will turn him into the energizer bunny. During sex...he will just keep going and going and going, until you begin to wonder if your fillings are getting knocked loose. And IF he does finish...you will be deemed a deity as it takes a lot of work!

The problem... Paxil withdrawal brings on a whole bunch of side effects that make you wonder if it worth ceasing medication, like massive headaches, dizzy spells, extreme sleepiness, and what feels like electrical tremors in your body. These symptoms can last up to 2 weeks, even though I have gradually reduced my usage of this drug. In other words...Don't f*ck with me...I'll bite your head off.

Sanctimonious Faggots!

Yeah, I said the "F" word. I'm a gay man, so I get the ability to say that word and not get in trouble. That being said, if you are a straight person, you would not be able to say that word without causing a fight. You could call yourself a breeder though.

I have a real problem with homos who declare that all gay people need to come out to all of their family and friends and employers, as a way of furthering the gay movement. Coming out is a process that each person needs to take in their own sweet time, and in some situations, they may not ever need to tell certain people.

What really gets me, is that these sanctimonious dweebs are the same people that aren't out to everyone. Does coming out make it easier for more of us...yes, but if your coming out hurts you, it's not worth it. Before you get on a soap box to tell me how I (a stranger) should live my life, you had better make sure that those closest to you are living that same life. How can you expect me to "make a difference" if you and yours aren't willing to do the same yourself?

Well...It's getting late, and I'm so high up on this soap box that I don't know if I can even see the ground anymore. I think I may be at least 6'6", like a certain Portland guy who is thinking of opening his own white trash homo bar. Just make sure your financiers know your are queer.